Sunday, February 28, 2010
69 - Sideways- sex position
Sideways 69 puts a twist on the traditional 69 position, by having both partners lay sideways. A nice variation for when neither party feels like having the other laying on top of them, many people find that it is a lot easier on their necks... and if you keep rolling, you'll find yourselves on the opposite side of things; in the Inverted 69 position.
69 - Sitting- sex position
The Sitting 69 position requires the lifting partner to have considerable upper body strength.
To get into this position the lifting partner needs a fair amount of strength and a little bit of patience... The lifter should start by sitting down in a fairly high chair and help their partner manoeuvre into position, with the lifted partner placing their head between the lifter's legs while wrapping their own legs loosely around the lifter's neck and shoulders, and the arms tightly around the lifter's back.
The lifting partner wraps their own arms tightly around the back of their partner (keeping their own back as straight as possible), while paying very close attention to their partner's head and neck so as not to knock or strain them.
Kneeling 69 Sex Position,69 - Kneeling
More strength is required than for the Sitting 69, but it is considerably easier than Standing 69. The lifting partner will require considerable upper body strength. The position is lower to the floor than Standing 69 and is therefore safer and requires less overall strength on the part of the lifter.
To get into this position the lifting partner needs a fair amount of strength and a little bit of patience... The lifter should kneel down and help their partner manoeuvre into position (perhaps off the edge of a couch or bed), with the lifted partner placing their head between the lifter's legs while wrapping their own legs loosely around the lifter's neck and shoulders, and the arms tightly around the lifter's back.
The lifting partner wraps their own arms tightly around the back of their partner (keeping their own back as straight as possible), while paying very close attention to their partner's head and neck so as not to knock or strain them.
kamasutra pictures animated-Inverted 69
Inverted 69, the inverted cousin of the traditional 69 position, is a great way to change the angles on the original. The top partner needs to make sure to position their genitals at the right height, as the bottom partner's mobility tends to be a little restricted.
Kamasutra Positions animated poses pictures videos
The 69 Sex Position is considered one of the best oral intercourse positions as it allows both partners to stimulate each other at the same time. Since the smaller partner may not enjoy having a substantially larger partner on top, in the standard form of 69, as in the animation above, the male is below.
Kamasutra Positions- 68-His
One short of the Sidways 69 Position, this arrangement is called the His 68 position. The performer lies down with the receiver on top of them, facing the same way, in a head-to-toe fashion. The position is great for both fellatio and analingus, just make sure to put a pillow under the giver's head to reduce the neck strain. Conveniently, this position affords excellent opportunities for the performer to use their hands all over their partner's body.
Kamasutra positions- 68 Hers
One short of the 69, this arrangement is called the Her 68 position. The performer lies down with the receiver on top of them, facing the same way, in a head-to-toe fashion. The position is great for both cunnilingus and analingus, just make sure to put a pillow under the giver's head to reduce the neck strain. Conveniently, this position affords excellent opportunities for the performer to use their hands all over their partner's body.
How To Talk Dirty
Step 1: Be inquisitive
If you don't know what to say, try asking sexy questions.
Ask
'shall I pull your macro lever towards my mount?'
or
'do you like it when my lens hood is locked for shipping?'
This is a great way to include your partner in the dirty talk, as asking questions will draw them into a conversation.Step 2: Be commanding
Another way of talking dirty is to take control and issue instructions firmly. This is a great way of dominating, and getting your partner to do exactly what you tell them.
Try ordering your partner to:
'Rotate my mount clamp ring'
or
'Take my rear lens cap off'
or
'Tighten my locking knob clockwise'.Step 3: Be descriptive
A gentler way to talk dirty is to talk about how something makes you feel. Use phrases such as:
'It feels so great when you oil my lens main body'
Or
'I love the way you polish my fulcrum with your deep focal length '
Or even:
'Wow! I can't get enough of your tight-fitted wide-angle adaptor'
And don't forget, if you're enjoying yourself, say so. Your partner will be flattered, and you'll probably end up getting more of what you want.Step 4: Be adult
Remember, dirty talk is for grown-ups. Cute, cuddly comments like:
"I love your ickle-wickle 8-millimetre attachment'
are not for now.
They will make you sound childish and inexperienced when you should be using words that you can say with passion and conviction.Step 5: Be rude
Once you start getting into it, show you really mean what you say by adding a few old-fashioned Anglo-Saxon expletives that you won't find in any manual
As long as you don't cause offence, relax and feel free to experiment. And remember, while using the odd dirty word can be sexy, it's actually more about how you say it rather than what you say.
Sexual Problems
What is Sensate Focus and how can it help couples?
Answer :
Sensate Focus is a sex therapy technique for couples, which involves giving each other pleasure through a series of exercises intended to rejuvenate your sex life. In most of these exercises people are asked to give or receive pleasure without having intercourse. At first, you will be taking turns giving or receiving touch, in order to pay attention to your own senses. Sensate Focus techniques were originally developed by famed sex researchers Masters and Johnson. The techniques can improve your sex life by increasing your satisfaction when you do have intercourse.
Here is more information about what it is, why it works, and HOW TO DO IT...
WHO IS SENSATE FOCUS FOR?
If want to have sex more frequently, feel more intimate with each other, and have more pleasure from sex, then Sensate Focus is for you. Both partners need to agree to try it together. It works best if you have some past experience together of having enjoyed your sex life together at some time (like maybe when you first started having sex). But if you haven't it is still worth trying.
WHY SENSATE FOCUS WORKS:
1) You are thinking and talking about sex with your partner. If you are working on improving your sex life as if it is a project in your life, then you're on the same side of an issue, instead of arguing (or feeling alienated) by it.
2) Touching stimulates desire. It reminds you why you fell in love, and why you felt desire for each other to begin with.
3) You will be having uninterrupted "protected" time to enjoy each other and to enjoy sexual pleasure.
4) It motivates you to have sex. You will remember how much you enjoy sex, and that the "work" aspect of it is worth it.
5) It desensitizes you to get over your fears about having sex with your partner, which could have been based in a fear of being good enough in bed, or maybe a fear of pleasing someone else.
6) It takes pressure off of you about sex how much sex you should be having. The explicit instructions about what to do sexually allow you to feel sexy and sexual without either of you request it of the other. It is an assignment that you both agreed to do at the start. You no longer need to have a fear of failing at sex, or any other concerns about what to do, or if you are good at it. Touching can help you both feel more comfortable with your bodies, with each other, and with sex. You have permission to feel pleasure.
7) It helps you start to be nicer to each other by giving pleasure to each other. That can make you both feel more like having sex with each other.
HOW TO DO IT:
SENSATE FOCUS STEP-BY-STEP
You should both be completely naked for these activities. Also, set a sensual mood (candles, dim lighting...). Do not have the TV on, turn the phone ringer off, turn your clocks around, and, of course, if you have children lock your door (or send them to a babysitter, relatives or friend's house).
Activity 1 : Take turns giving each other pleasure through touching without talking, but make breasts and genitals off limits -- and do not have sex or an orgasm (neither of you). With your partner flat on the bed, for 30 minutes, touch your partner as if you are giving a massage. Do not talk during this time. Unlike a regular massage, however, don't try to touch your partner only to make him or her feel good. Just do what interests you and what feels good to your hands when you are touching your partner. Focus on what you want to do. Pay attention to how your partner's body feels including the body's curves and skin. Think about the temperature, texture, softness, ruffness, and so on. When 30 minutes are up, then your partner should give the touching 'massage' to you for 30 minutes. You should be aware of the sensations you feel. And remember: Don't talk during the touching. This will help you really focus on how it feels. Finally: no matter how turned on you get at this point, do not have sexual intercourse or orgasm. The objective is to think about what touch feels like, and to give and receive pleasure for a full hour total, without the "goal" of orgasm for either of you..
Activity 2: Include touching each other's breasts and genitals and you each instruct each other about how to touch. A night or two after Activity 1, now make advances in that activity. First talk about what felt good in Activity 1, and how and where you like to be touched. Now, have your partner get flat on the bed, adn your partner non-verbally tells you what to do while you touch. You must start with touching his or her body, excluding the genitals at first. Stay focused on the physical sensations. Do not try to make your partner have a sexual response. Orgasm is not allowed at this point, and still not intercourse! To get more direction about what how your partner enjoys being touched, your partner should put his or her hand on top of yours while touching, in order to direction the location, pressure and speed of touch. Do not talk, just use this non-verbal communication to work together, share control, and become more in tune with each other. The switch roles. You should each receive 30 minutes of touching.
Activity 3: Now start mutual touching instead of taking turns. (This will begin to make your sexual touching feel more natural, since most people don't take turns touching during sexual contact.) Mutually touch each other anywhere for 30 minutes total. Try to do what you have learned that your partner likes. This will help you both pay attention to each other's body, rather than thinking about your own pleasure. No matter how aroused you may become, intercourse is still off limits at this point.
Activity 4: Continue mutual touching and then try rubbing in a sexual way. For 30 minutes, mutually touch, and try the woman on top position, but do not put the penis in the vagina. Instead, the women should rub the penis and his pubic area against her clitoris and vaginal opening regardless of if there is an erection or not. They can use a lubricant if that makes it more pleasurable. She should try to orgasm this way. Still no intercourse.
Activity 5: Begin sexual contact. Get in the positions you had enjoyed during the past couple of activities. Then put the penis into the vagina, and rather than just move and thrust the way you had done during sex in the past, instead, focus on the physical sensation of the feeling of the penis in the vagina. Move only slowly to feel it for a few minutes. Then thrust and move anyway you want, still while paying attention to the physical sensation. Then if either partner is starting to focus on what to do to have an orgasm, stop and look into each other's eyes, staying connected, but slowing down your intercourse. After a total of 30 minutes of this slow connected intercourse (which may include stopping and starting and even loss and regaining of erection) then you may both orgasm. Repeat Activity 5 two to three days later, and move on to Activity 6 two to three days after that.
Activity 6: Have intercourse, any way you want - any time. If you want to commit to saying that you will try to do it twice a week, then give that a try. You sex life should feel as if it as improved at this point.
If Sensate Focus does not work for you, then you may want to see a sex therapist in your area. I do not see patients, but I can explain how you can find a sex therapist in your area.
How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?
Answer :
FINDING A QUALIFIED SEX THERAPIST
Choosing the best therapist for you is about choosing someone you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you. There are some things that you should always look for. You should choose a sex therapist who:
* is trained specifically in sex therapy (not just marital therapy, family therapy or general therapy)
* is certified in sex therapy by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
* has a Ph.D. in sex therapy or a closely related field from a nationally accredited university, or has an MD (I will explain this more later)
* has an established practice, and has been seeing sex therapy clients for years
* does NOT go on television or radio on a regular basis, and does not primarily write books. Even if a sex therapist on the Today show, or a sex therapist on Oprah seems appealing, please realize that that person is not someone who should be your sex therapist. This is not a dedicated full time sex therapist. You should go to an actual full time therapist only
* is open to talking with you on the phone the first time you call, and will describe to you what to expect during your first session
Each session usually is between 45 minutes and 1 hour long. Most often, people see a sex therapist once a week, yet you may require more frequent or less frequent visits, depending on your situation. Sex therapy may last for weeks, or months, or years; this also depends on the situations presented. Fees for sex therapy are usually around $150 per hour, yet may be as low as $50 per hour, or as high as $350 per hour. It depends on the therapist and the location. Your health insurance may or may not cover sex therapy, depending on your policy. If your insurance does not cover, some sex therapists may reduced their rates for people who do not have the means to pay, so always ask if their rates are "negotiable" or "on a sliding scale."
Most importantly, find a sex therapist you are comfortable talking with. You will be discussing intimate details of your life, so you should feel as if you trust the sex therapist, and can open up to him or her.
HOW TO FIND A SEX THERAPIST
For referrals to sex therapists in your area, go to the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists. This is the organization that certifies sex therapists. The site is: www.AASECT.org. From the main page, click on "For the Public". Then click on "Locate a Professional". Then click on your state on the map or list show. Then when you see the list of names of people on the left and their occupation on the right-- make sure that you choose a sex THERAPIST (not a sex counselor, not a sex educator).
Also, only choose someone who has an MD (a medical doctor or psychiatrist who is a sex therapist) or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university (someone who is a psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, or therapist). In my opinion, you should not choose someone whose Ph.D. is from a locally accredited, or non-accredited institution, such as the "Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality" or "Maimonides American Academy of Clinical Sexologists" or "Newport University". These are NOT nationally accredited Ph.D. programs. Those are private nontraditional programs that may be accredited locally or on a state level, but not nationally. You should only choose a therapist who has an MD or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university. (There are hundreds of nationally accredited universities, but just to give you examples of what I mean by "nationally accredited university" some examples include: New York University, University of California at San Diego, Harvard University, University of Minnesota, Indiana University, Teachers College, Columbia University... you get the idea.)
Can having a few drinks hurt a man’s sexual performance?
Answer :
One drink can lower inhibitions, and get a couple to relax and enjoy sex. But if someone has 3 or 4 or more drinks (more than 4 ounces of alcohol) then it will hurt sexual performance. A man may lose his erection and a woman may find it very difficult to orgasm. In addition, alcohol often causes people to incorrectly use condoms and birth control, creating an increased potential for unintended pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted disease. It also contributes to bad decision making, so that you might have sex with someone you wouldn’t want to otherwise.
I have little to no sex drive, which makes dating difficult because I know I am bound to disappoint. What can I do?
Answer :
There’s plenty you can do, both on your own and with a new partner. For starters, consider seeing a doctor to have your general health examined and your hormone levels checked. Many illnesses can affect sex drive. Also, hormone levels can have a huge impact on libido, and treatments can help in some cases. If you’re found to be in tip-top form physically, you may want to see a sex therapist, who can discuss with you whether your past sexual relationships or attitudes toward sex are dampening your drive. (You can find a sex therapist in your area by searching the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists at www.aasect.org.) Finally, consider discussing this issue with the next person you’re dating and feel seriously about—that may be scary, but this gives you the opportunity to explain that the issue is with you, not whether you’re attracted to your date. Plus, it shows you care enough about this person to be upfront and are want to work on it—and that’s something any date will appreciate.
I don't think that my husband and I have sex as much as other people. How much do they do it, and how much should we?
Answer :
Americans have sex an average of 113 times per year—that’s a little over 2 times per week. Still, that doesn’t mean having sex more or less often is a problem. The more important question you should be asking yourself is this: Are you and your partner both satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having? If you answer this question yes, then you have nothing to worry about! Whether you’re doing it once a day or once a year, if it makes you both happy it's fine.
If, however, there’s a marked imbalance between the amount of sex you and your partner want to have, then it can help to have a discussion about what can be done to make sure both parties are happy. Maybe, for example, your partner’s so pooped by the time he or she goes to bed at night that you’re better off trying to initiate some fun in the morning.
Regardless of how you compare to others, if you feel low sex drive is your (or your partner's) issue, then for more information, you should consult a medical doctor or sex therapist. Low libido is often caused by medication, stress, or some other factors, which can be resolved by a visit to a doctor.
I am a 42 year old virgin. I ache for the touch of a female, and want to know what it feels like to make love. But I get scared and shake when I talk to a woman. Though, I'm glad I won't catch something or die from a sexual sickness. It is terrible to go through life without the touch of a hand or kiss or love. Can you help me?
Answer :
It is rare that someone is still a virgin at age 42. In fact, only about 2% of Americans are still virgins at that age. (Most Americans lose their virginity in their mid-teens, late-teens, or early twenties. About 95% of Americans have lost their virginity prior to marriage, by age 25 or 26, according to research, including studies by the National Center for Health Statistics, as well as Finer, 2007).
As you described, usually when someone has remained a virgin that long, it shows that he or she has many irrational and rational fears of sex, such as the fear of disease that you mentioned, as well as severe social and emotional issues. Unlike in the very unrealistic movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" in which the man moved quickly into dating, affection, and kissing a woman -- in real life, most men this age with this issue would most likely feel excruciatingly uncomfortable even talking to a woman, as you described. The good news is that this is something that you will be able to work through in therapy. I recommend that you start therapy right away so that you stop missing out on affection and physical love in your life.
Work with a sex therapist who specializes in these issues. To find a sex therapist in your area, search on the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists [aasect.org]. Make sure that you find someone with a Ph.D. from a well known, accredited university, and who has worked in the field for a long time. [Read my answer about what else to look for in a sex therapist in my response to the question "How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?" under the category of “Sexual Problems."]
You will learn that you do not need to fear diseases if you are sexually active, because you can be effective at responsibly practicing safer sex (using condoms), and you will also learn what else is at the root of your other issues connected with sex. You’ll find out how to take the steps to deal with your social and emotional issues, and then how to gradually talk to, touch, kiss, then some day make love to a woman. It will take dedication on your part to work through your fears and insecurities, and it will take time to meet a girlfriend who can be patient with your evolving sexuality. But it will be worth it to add this important part of the human experience to your life.
I ejaculate too quickly, within about a minute or two, or sometimes only 30 seconds. How can I last longer?
Answer :
PREMATURE EJACULATION is the most common sexual problem of men -- about 30% of men suffer from it at some time. But there are several tried-and-true clinically tested ways that you can delay ejaculation until you want to.
Overall, you need to learn how to be more in tune with your body and your excitement, and you need to learn to recognize when you’re about to ejaculate. Then you need to learn how to control or delay the process. The following techniques should be useful to help treat premature ejaculation.
STOP AND START TECHNIQUE – WITH COUNTING
You can try to treat your premature ejaculation with the counting and stop-start technique. It will allow you to learn how to pinpoint your level of sexual excitement, and keep it at a level that will give you pleasure without bringing you to the point of no return. To control ejaculation, a man must be able to recognize the feeling before the point of no return, and relax just enough that he does not reach the point of no return until he is ready.
Your sexual excitement increases as you get closer to orgasm. In order to understand how to control the level of excitement, first you have to label each level. Think of your sexual excitement as being on a scale from 0 to 10. Zero means that you don’t feel any arousal. Ten would be what you feel during orgasm. Try to get your body and mind to stay at an even level of excitement during sex (around level 7 or 8) without getting to the “point of no return,” which would be around level 9.
You can practice this technique while you’re masturbating:
-- Each time you notice that your sexual excitement has increased, label each stage with a number from 0 to 10. Try to figure out where 7 and 8 are for you.
-- When you feel like you’re getting near level 8 of arousal, slow down or stop for a few seconds, to try to bring it down a notch, remaining at or just below 7 so you don’t lose control and don't reach level 9, which would put you on the brink of orgasm. Keep yourself at your 7 to 8 level as long as possible, and stop or slow down to do this.
-- The best way to do this is to stop masturbating when you reach about level 8. Take a break for 30 seconds or a minute or so. Then start again when your excitement gets down to about 5 or 6. You should practice this at least several times each week, so that you eventually can masturbate for about 30 minutes without ejaculating until you’re ready. Once you’ve mastered these counting and stop-start skills, you can try the same sort of thing during intercourse.
When you’re having intercourse, stop thrusting and ask your partner to stop moving for a minute until your excitement mellows out a bit. You can also remove your penis from the vagina and change sexual positions to give yourself a little time to slow things down. Having an understanding partner with whom you can talk about this activity is helpful.
THE SQUEEZE TECHNIQUE
A more advanced technique is the squeeze technique. To do this, you still need to become familiar with the feelings that you get when you’re close to orgasm. Then, when you’re having intercourse and you feel very close to the point of no return, you should stop thrusting and tell your partner not to move so that your ejaculatory response is not triggered. Next, you or your partner should squeeze your penis using a thumb and one or two forefingers in one of two places: either at the very base, or at the ridge under the head of the penis. (If you need more instruction, you can see an illustration of exactly where to squeeze in my book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex.) Putting pressure in either of these places will cause your excitement to decrease, and the feeling of getting close to ejaculation will be reduced.
I'm in a great marriage, however my wife has never performed oral sex on me, and refuses when I ask. Do you have any ideas on how to change her mind?
Answer :
Talk with her at a time when she's in a good mood, and you have time and privacy to talk. Start by telling her that you love her and you love making love with her, but that you are curious why she won't perform oral sex on you. If she won't give any reasons then you will have a tough time understanding why she doesn't want to do it. I hope she will tell you openly if she has fears about it, or negative experiences associated with it. Knowing this sort of information can help the two of you get closer, and it may help you understand if she will at some point be ready to have oral sex on you, or if she will never do it because of a trauma associated with it.
If she's just afraid that she won't know what to do, or if she's afraid that she won't like it, then you can reassure her that at first all you'd like is some penile kissing and licking (not deep throating! and no ejaculating!). Also, ask her if you can have an "oral love night" in which she should not put her mouth on your penis and you should not put yours on her vulva, but rather you both use your lips and tongues on other parts of each other's bodies. So that night, first shower together and brush your teeth. Then once you've dried off, kiss each other's necks, suck on each other's toes, nipples, fingers, and lick your way around each other's stomachs and backs. Slowly kiss your way from her neck down her entire body to her toes. The idea is just for you both to be more oral together. Then next time that you have sex, try to integrate more oral activities into love making, again, not necessarily involving genitals, but just more licking, kissing, sucking. Over time that can evolve into oral sex on your penis and her vulva.
Another tip: try 69 to get her use to the idea of oral sex -- with you both on your sides, so she doesn't get smothered. If she's wiling to try these things, do not ejaculate if she goes down on you. That should only happen later after she's become more used to giving oral sex. She should not be put in a position in which she feels like she's "servicing" you, but rather, ask her to think of it as just an alternative way to feel good. If she likes receiving oral sex that will help.
Reassure her that sex techniques do not come naturally, and if she's willing to try experimenting with oral techniques, that it could be fun. Never push her head down there, always be clear about what feels good, and talk clearly about the issue of if you'll ejaculate and when and where. Also, if you can together look at a book that discusses oral sex technique that could help her. My book (The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex) has step-by-step techniques on how she can do it -- but if you don't want to buy my book, then browse for other sex books that are only about oral sex.
Overall, present these ideas to her as if this is a project that you want to work on together as a fun way to spice things up - not something that she "should" do or that is "lacking".
I'm a guy who can get off just fine on my own and during oral sex, but for some reason I am unable to climax during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me, and how can I change?
Answer :
Perhaps your penis prefers the feeling of your hand or her mouth. Or it could be that you feel inhibited by the risks of pregnancy or diseases, or by the emotional intimacy of ejaculating during intercourse. If your psychological issues seem deeply rooted, then a therapist can help.
To try to get over this on your own, find a partner who you trust and love, use condoms to reduce your risks, and try to get the stimulation you need. Experiment to find positions in which her vagina may feel tighter, such as from behind or maybe sitting. When you know those positions, use your hand get very close to orgasm, until the last minute when you enter her vagina to climax. Or alternate between your hand and intercourse off and on until you are about to climax and then force yourself to finish with intercourse. If she’s willing to play these ways, then you may be able to have orgasms during intercourse after all. Be sure to tell her: “it’s not you it’s me.”
Finally, remember that everyone enjoys sex differently. If you and she are happy with the way things are, then you should not pressure yourself to change. Perhaps you will change in your own time, or maybe you'll be happy just the way you are.
My new girlfriend and I have sex every night, but I know that won't last. What should I do if I am not in the mood? What about when she is not in the mood?
Answer :
How you deal with the first night that one of you doesn't want to get it on speaks volumes about your sexual potential together. If you complain or freak out, because she is not in the mood, then she may think that you care more about your sexual needs than about her feelings. She will think that sex is more important to you than love or affection. Therefore, if she is not in the mood, be loving to her by asking if you can still hold her. Or if you really want to have an orgasm, ask her if you can hold her while you masturbate. If you are the one who is not in the mood, the best way to act to save the night is to remain loving and affectionate. Or you can ask her if she wants to masturbate in your arms. If you are too tired to have sex, then the best way to tell her is to say, “Tomorrow night, I will seduce you, and I will plan something very special!” This serves two purposes: first, it lets her know that you are not rejecting her, and second, it gives her something to fantasize about and look forward to. Just be sure to follow through on your promise: Tomorrow, be prepared to strip for her and make love like you never have before.
If I have to have a testicle removed, how will it affect my sex drive? Will I ejaculate half as much, or does the remaining ball work overtime to compensate?
Answer :
Having a testicle removed (such as for treatment of testicular cancer) should not affect your sexuality. Your lone testicle should make enough sperm to maintain fertility, and enough testosterone to keep your sex drive normal. However, if you have your testicle removed and then sense that your sex drive has taken a dive, get your testosterone tested by your doctor just to be sure.
Answer :
Sensate Focus is a sex therapy technique for couples, which involves giving each other pleasure through a series of exercises intended to rejuvenate your sex life. In most of these exercises people are asked to give or receive pleasure without having intercourse. At first, you will be taking turns giving or receiving touch, in order to pay attention to your own senses. Sensate Focus techniques were originally developed by famed sex researchers Masters and Johnson. The techniques can improve your sex life by increasing your satisfaction when you do have intercourse.
Here is more information about what it is, why it works, and HOW TO DO IT...
WHO IS SENSATE FOCUS FOR?
If want to have sex more frequently, feel more intimate with each other, and have more pleasure from sex, then Sensate Focus is for you. Both partners need to agree to try it together. It works best if you have some past experience together of having enjoyed your sex life together at some time (like maybe when you first started having sex). But if you haven't it is still worth trying.
WHY SENSATE FOCUS WORKS:
1) You are thinking and talking about sex with your partner. If you are working on improving your sex life as if it is a project in your life, then you're on the same side of an issue, instead of arguing (or feeling alienated) by it.
2) Touching stimulates desire. It reminds you why you fell in love, and why you felt desire for each other to begin with.
3) You will be having uninterrupted "protected" time to enjoy each other and to enjoy sexual pleasure.
4) It motivates you to have sex. You will remember how much you enjoy sex, and that the "work" aspect of it is worth it.
5) It desensitizes you to get over your fears about having sex with your partner, which could have been based in a fear of being good enough in bed, or maybe a fear of pleasing someone else.
6) It takes pressure off of you about sex how much sex you should be having. The explicit instructions about what to do sexually allow you to feel sexy and sexual without either of you request it of the other. It is an assignment that you both agreed to do at the start. You no longer need to have a fear of failing at sex, or any other concerns about what to do, or if you are good at it. Touching can help you both feel more comfortable with your bodies, with each other, and with sex. You have permission to feel pleasure.
7) It helps you start to be nicer to each other by giving pleasure to each other. That can make you both feel more like having sex with each other.
HOW TO DO IT:
SENSATE FOCUS STEP-BY-STEP
You should both be completely naked for these activities. Also, set a sensual mood (candles, dim lighting...). Do not have the TV on, turn the phone ringer off, turn your clocks around, and, of course, if you have children lock your door (or send them to a babysitter, relatives or friend's house).
Activity 1 : Take turns giving each other pleasure through touching without talking, but make breasts and genitals off limits -- and do not have sex or an orgasm (neither of you). With your partner flat on the bed, for 30 minutes, touch your partner as if you are giving a massage. Do not talk during this time. Unlike a regular massage, however, don't try to touch your partner only to make him or her feel good. Just do what interests you and what feels good to your hands when you are touching your partner. Focus on what you want to do. Pay attention to how your partner's body feels including the body's curves and skin. Think about the temperature, texture, softness, ruffness, and so on. When 30 minutes are up, then your partner should give the touching 'massage' to you for 30 minutes. You should be aware of the sensations you feel. And remember: Don't talk during the touching. This will help you really focus on how it feels. Finally: no matter how turned on you get at this point, do not have sexual intercourse or orgasm. The objective is to think about what touch feels like, and to give and receive pleasure for a full hour total, without the "goal" of orgasm for either of you..
Activity 2: Include touching each other's breasts and genitals and you each instruct each other about how to touch. A night or two after Activity 1, now make advances in that activity. First talk about what felt good in Activity 1, and how and where you like to be touched. Now, have your partner get flat on the bed, adn your partner non-verbally tells you what to do while you touch. You must start with touching his or her body, excluding the genitals at first. Stay focused on the physical sensations. Do not try to make your partner have a sexual response. Orgasm is not allowed at this point, and still not intercourse! To get more direction about what how your partner enjoys being touched, your partner should put his or her hand on top of yours while touching, in order to direction the location, pressure and speed of touch. Do not talk, just use this non-verbal communication to work together, share control, and become more in tune with each other. The switch roles. You should each receive 30 minutes of touching.
Activity 3: Now start mutual touching instead of taking turns. (This will begin to make your sexual touching feel more natural, since most people don't take turns touching during sexual contact.) Mutually touch each other anywhere for 30 minutes total. Try to do what you have learned that your partner likes. This will help you both pay attention to each other's body, rather than thinking about your own pleasure. No matter how aroused you may become, intercourse is still off limits at this point.
Activity 4: Continue mutual touching and then try rubbing in a sexual way. For 30 minutes, mutually touch, and try the woman on top position, but do not put the penis in the vagina. Instead, the women should rub the penis and his pubic area against her clitoris and vaginal opening regardless of if there is an erection or not. They can use a lubricant if that makes it more pleasurable. She should try to orgasm this way. Still no intercourse.
Activity 5: Begin sexual contact. Get in the positions you had enjoyed during the past couple of activities. Then put the penis into the vagina, and rather than just move and thrust the way you had done during sex in the past, instead, focus on the physical sensation of the feeling of the penis in the vagina. Move only slowly to feel it for a few minutes. Then thrust and move anyway you want, still while paying attention to the physical sensation. Then if either partner is starting to focus on what to do to have an orgasm, stop and look into each other's eyes, staying connected, but slowing down your intercourse. After a total of 30 minutes of this slow connected intercourse (which may include stopping and starting and even loss and regaining of erection) then you may both orgasm. Repeat Activity 5 two to three days later, and move on to Activity 6 two to three days after that.
Activity 6: Have intercourse, any way you want - any time. If you want to commit to saying that you will try to do it twice a week, then give that a try. You sex life should feel as if it as improved at this point.
If Sensate Focus does not work for you, then you may want to see a sex therapist in your area. I do not see patients, but I can explain how you can find a sex therapist in your area.
How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?
Answer :
FINDING A QUALIFIED SEX THERAPIST
Choosing the best therapist for you is about choosing someone you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you. There are some things that you should always look for. You should choose a sex therapist who:
* is trained specifically in sex therapy (not just marital therapy, family therapy or general therapy)
* is certified in sex therapy by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
* has a Ph.D. in sex therapy or a closely related field from a nationally accredited university, or has an MD (I will explain this more later)
* has an established practice, and has been seeing sex therapy clients for years
* does NOT go on television or radio on a regular basis, and does not primarily write books. Even if a sex therapist on the Today show, or a sex therapist on Oprah seems appealing, please realize that that person is not someone who should be your sex therapist. This is not a dedicated full time sex therapist. You should go to an actual full time therapist only
* is open to talking with you on the phone the first time you call, and will describe to you what to expect during your first session
Each session usually is between 45 minutes and 1 hour long. Most often, people see a sex therapist once a week, yet you may require more frequent or less frequent visits, depending on your situation. Sex therapy may last for weeks, or months, or years; this also depends on the situations presented. Fees for sex therapy are usually around $150 per hour, yet may be as low as $50 per hour, or as high as $350 per hour. It depends on the therapist and the location. Your health insurance may or may not cover sex therapy, depending on your policy. If your insurance does not cover, some sex therapists may reduced their rates for people who do not have the means to pay, so always ask if their rates are "negotiable" or "on a sliding scale."
Most importantly, find a sex therapist you are comfortable talking with. You will be discussing intimate details of your life, so you should feel as if you trust the sex therapist, and can open up to him or her.
HOW TO FIND A SEX THERAPIST
For referrals to sex therapists in your area, go to the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists. This is the organization that certifies sex therapists. The site is: www.AASECT.org. From the main page, click on "For the Public". Then click on "Locate a Professional". Then click on your state on the map or list show. Then when you see the list of names of people on the left and their occupation on the right-- make sure that you choose a sex THERAPIST (not a sex counselor, not a sex educator).
Also, only choose someone who has an MD (a medical doctor or psychiatrist who is a sex therapist) or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university (someone who is a psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, or therapist). In my opinion, you should not choose someone whose Ph.D. is from a locally accredited, or non-accredited institution, such as the "Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality" or "Maimonides American Academy of Clinical Sexologists" or "Newport University". These are NOT nationally accredited Ph.D. programs. Those are private nontraditional programs that may be accredited locally or on a state level, but not nationally. You should only choose a therapist who has an MD or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university. (There are hundreds of nationally accredited universities, but just to give you examples of what I mean by "nationally accredited university" some examples include: New York University, University of California at San Diego, Harvard University, University of Minnesota, Indiana University, Teachers College, Columbia University... you get the idea.)
Can having a few drinks hurt a man’s sexual performance?
Answer :
One drink can lower inhibitions, and get a couple to relax and enjoy sex. But if someone has 3 or 4 or more drinks (more than 4 ounces of alcohol) then it will hurt sexual performance. A man may lose his erection and a woman may find it very difficult to orgasm. In addition, alcohol often causes people to incorrectly use condoms and birth control, creating an increased potential for unintended pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted disease. It also contributes to bad decision making, so that you might have sex with someone you wouldn’t want to otherwise.
I have little to no sex drive, which makes dating difficult because I know I am bound to disappoint. What can I do?
Answer :
There’s plenty you can do, both on your own and with a new partner. For starters, consider seeing a doctor to have your general health examined and your hormone levels checked. Many illnesses can affect sex drive. Also, hormone levels can have a huge impact on libido, and treatments can help in some cases. If you’re found to be in tip-top form physically, you may want to see a sex therapist, who can discuss with you whether your past sexual relationships or attitudes toward sex are dampening your drive. (You can find a sex therapist in your area by searching the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists at www.aasect.org.) Finally, consider discussing this issue with the next person you’re dating and feel seriously about—that may be scary, but this gives you the opportunity to explain that the issue is with you, not whether you’re attracted to your date. Plus, it shows you care enough about this person to be upfront and are want to work on it—and that’s something any date will appreciate.
I don't think that my husband and I have sex as much as other people. How much do they do it, and how much should we?
Answer :
Americans have sex an average of 113 times per year—that’s a little over 2 times per week. Still, that doesn’t mean having sex more or less often is a problem. The more important question you should be asking yourself is this: Are you and your partner both satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having? If you answer this question yes, then you have nothing to worry about! Whether you’re doing it once a day or once a year, if it makes you both happy it's fine.
If, however, there’s a marked imbalance between the amount of sex you and your partner want to have, then it can help to have a discussion about what can be done to make sure both parties are happy. Maybe, for example, your partner’s so pooped by the time he or she goes to bed at night that you’re better off trying to initiate some fun in the morning.
Regardless of how you compare to others, if you feel low sex drive is your (or your partner's) issue, then for more information, you should consult a medical doctor or sex therapist. Low libido is often caused by medication, stress, or some other factors, which can be resolved by a visit to a doctor.
I am a 42 year old virgin. I ache for the touch of a female, and want to know what it feels like to make love. But I get scared and shake when I talk to a woman. Though, I'm glad I won't catch something or die from a sexual sickness. It is terrible to go through life without the touch of a hand or kiss or love. Can you help me?
Answer :
It is rare that someone is still a virgin at age 42. In fact, only about 2% of Americans are still virgins at that age. (Most Americans lose their virginity in their mid-teens, late-teens, or early twenties. About 95% of Americans have lost their virginity prior to marriage, by age 25 or 26, according to research, including studies by the National Center for Health Statistics, as well as Finer, 2007).
As you described, usually when someone has remained a virgin that long, it shows that he or she has many irrational and rational fears of sex, such as the fear of disease that you mentioned, as well as severe social and emotional issues. Unlike in the very unrealistic movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" in which the man moved quickly into dating, affection, and kissing a woman -- in real life, most men this age with this issue would most likely feel excruciatingly uncomfortable even talking to a woman, as you described. The good news is that this is something that you will be able to work through in therapy. I recommend that you start therapy right away so that you stop missing out on affection and physical love in your life.
Work with a sex therapist who specializes in these issues. To find a sex therapist in your area, search on the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists [aasect.org]. Make sure that you find someone with a Ph.D. from a well known, accredited university, and who has worked in the field for a long time. [Read my answer about what else to look for in a sex therapist in my response to the question "How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?" under the category of “Sexual Problems."]
You will learn that you do not need to fear diseases if you are sexually active, because you can be effective at responsibly practicing safer sex (using condoms), and you will also learn what else is at the root of your other issues connected with sex. You’ll find out how to take the steps to deal with your social and emotional issues, and then how to gradually talk to, touch, kiss, then some day make love to a woman. It will take dedication on your part to work through your fears and insecurities, and it will take time to meet a girlfriend who can be patient with your evolving sexuality. But it will be worth it to add this important part of the human experience to your life.
I ejaculate too quickly, within about a minute or two, or sometimes only 30 seconds. How can I last longer?
Answer :
PREMATURE EJACULATION is the most common sexual problem of men -- about 30% of men suffer from it at some time. But there are several tried-and-true clinically tested ways that you can delay ejaculation until you want to.
Overall, you need to learn how to be more in tune with your body and your excitement, and you need to learn to recognize when you’re about to ejaculate. Then you need to learn how to control or delay the process. The following techniques should be useful to help treat premature ejaculation.
STOP AND START TECHNIQUE – WITH COUNTING
You can try to treat your premature ejaculation with the counting and stop-start technique. It will allow you to learn how to pinpoint your level of sexual excitement, and keep it at a level that will give you pleasure without bringing you to the point of no return. To control ejaculation, a man must be able to recognize the feeling before the point of no return, and relax just enough that he does not reach the point of no return until he is ready.
Your sexual excitement increases as you get closer to orgasm. In order to understand how to control the level of excitement, first you have to label each level. Think of your sexual excitement as being on a scale from 0 to 10. Zero means that you don’t feel any arousal. Ten would be what you feel during orgasm. Try to get your body and mind to stay at an even level of excitement during sex (around level 7 or 8) without getting to the “point of no return,” which would be around level 9.
You can practice this technique while you’re masturbating:
-- Each time you notice that your sexual excitement has increased, label each stage with a number from 0 to 10. Try to figure out where 7 and 8 are for you.
-- When you feel like you’re getting near level 8 of arousal, slow down or stop for a few seconds, to try to bring it down a notch, remaining at or just below 7 so you don’t lose control and don't reach level 9, which would put you on the brink of orgasm. Keep yourself at your 7 to 8 level as long as possible, and stop or slow down to do this.
-- The best way to do this is to stop masturbating when you reach about level 8. Take a break for 30 seconds or a minute or so. Then start again when your excitement gets down to about 5 or 6. You should practice this at least several times each week, so that you eventually can masturbate for about 30 minutes without ejaculating until you’re ready. Once you’ve mastered these counting and stop-start skills, you can try the same sort of thing during intercourse.
When you’re having intercourse, stop thrusting and ask your partner to stop moving for a minute until your excitement mellows out a bit. You can also remove your penis from the vagina and change sexual positions to give yourself a little time to slow things down. Having an understanding partner with whom you can talk about this activity is helpful.
THE SQUEEZE TECHNIQUE
A more advanced technique is the squeeze technique. To do this, you still need to become familiar with the feelings that you get when you’re close to orgasm. Then, when you’re having intercourse and you feel very close to the point of no return, you should stop thrusting and tell your partner not to move so that your ejaculatory response is not triggered. Next, you or your partner should squeeze your penis using a thumb and one or two forefingers in one of two places: either at the very base, or at the ridge under the head of the penis. (If you need more instruction, you can see an illustration of exactly where to squeeze in my book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex.) Putting pressure in either of these places will cause your excitement to decrease, and the feeling of getting close to ejaculation will be reduced.
I'm in a great marriage, however my wife has never performed oral sex on me, and refuses when I ask. Do you have any ideas on how to change her mind?
Answer :
Talk with her at a time when she's in a good mood, and you have time and privacy to talk. Start by telling her that you love her and you love making love with her, but that you are curious why she won't perform oral sex on you. If she won't give any reasons then you will have a tough time understanding why she doesn't want to do it. I hope she will tell you openly if she has fears about it, or negative experiences associated with it. Knowing this sort of information can help the two of you get closer, and it may help you understand if she will at some point be ready to have oral sex on you, or if she will never do it because of a trauma associated with it.
If she's just afraid that she won't know what to do, or if she's afraid that she won't like it, then you can reassure her that at first all you'd like is some penile kissing and licking (not deep throating! and no ejaculating!). Also, ask her if you can have an "oral love night" in which she should not put her mouth on your penis and you should not put yours on her vulva, but rather you both use your lips and tongues on other parts of each other's bodies. So that night, first shower together and brush your teeth. Then once you've dried off, kiss each other's necks, suck on each other's toes, nipples, fingers, and lick your way around each other's stomachs and backs. Slowly kiss your way from her neck down her entire body to her toes. The idea is just for you both to be more oral together. Then next time that you have sex, try to integrate more oral activities into love making, again, not necessarily involving genitals, but just more licking, kissing, sucking. Over time that can evolve into oral sex on your penis and her vulva.
Another tip: try 69 to get her use to the idea of oral sex -- with you both on your sides, so she doesn't get smothered. If she's wiling to try these things, do not ejaculate if she goes down on you. That should only happen later after she's become more used to giving oral sex. She should not be put in a position in which she feels like she's "servicing" you, but rather, ask her to think of it as just an alternative way to feel good. If she likes receiving oral sex that will help.
Reassure her that sex techniques do not come naturally, and if she's willing to try experimenting with oral techniques, that it could be fun. Never push her head down there, always be clear about what feels good, and talk clearly about the issue of if you'll ejaculate and when and where. Also, if you can together look at a book that discusses oral sex technique that could help her. My book (The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex) has step-by-step techniques on how she can do it -- but if you don't want to buy my book, then browse for other sex books that are only about oral sex.
Overall, present these ideas to her as if this is a project that you want to work on together as a fun way to spice things up - not something that she "should" do or that is "lacking".
I'm a guy who can get off just fine on my own and during oral sex, but for some reason I am unable to climax during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me, and how can I change?
Answer :
Perhaps your penis prefers the feeling of your hand or her mouth. Or it could be that you feel inhibited by the risks of pregnancy or diseases, or by the emotional intimacy of ejaculating during intercourse. If your psychological issues seem deeply rooted, then a therapist can help.
To try to get over this on your own, find a partner who you trust and love, use condoms to reduce your risks, and try to get the stimulation you need. Experiment to find positions in which her vagina may feel tighter, such as from behind or maybe sitting. When you know those positions, use your hand get very close to orgasm, until the last minute when you enter her vagina to climax. Or alternate between your hand and intercourse off and on until you are about to climax and then force yourself to finish with intercourse. If she’s willing to play these ways, then you may be able to have orgasms during intercourse after all. Be sure to tell her: “it’s not you it’s me.”
Finally, remember that everyone enjoys sex differently. If you and she are happy with the way things are, then you should not pressure yourself to change. Perhaps you will change in your own time, or maybe you'll be happy just the way you are.
My new girlfriend and I have sex every night, but I know that won't last. What should I do if I am not in the mood? What about when she is not in the mood?
Answer :
How you deal with the first night that one of you doesn't want to get it on speaks volumes about your sexual potential together. If you complain or freak out, because she is not in the mood, then she may think that you care more about your sexual needs than about her feelings. She will think that sex is more important to you than love or affection. Therefore, if she is not in the mood, be loving to her by asking if you can still hold her. Or if you really want to have an orgasm, ask her if you can hold her while you masturbate. If you are the one who is not in the mood, the best way to act to save the night is to remain loving and affectionate. Or you can ask her if she wants to masturbate in your arms. If you are too tired to have sex, then the best way to tell her is to say, “Tomorrow night, I will seduce you, and I will plan something very special!” This serves two purposes: first, it lets her know that you are not rejecting her, and second, it gives her something to fantasize about and look forward to. Just be sure to follow through on your promise: Tomorrow, be prepared to strip for her and make love like you never have before.
If I have to have a testicle removed, how will it affect my sex drive? Will I ejaculate half as much, or does the remaining ball work overtime to compensate?
Answer :
Having a testicle removed (such as for treatment of testicular cancer) should not affect your sexuality. Your lone testicle should make enough sperm to maintain fertility, and enough testosterone to keep your sex drive normal. However, if you have your testicle removed and then sense that your sex drive has taken a dive, get your testosterone tested by your doctor just to be sure.
Also, if only the testicle is removed and no other glands or nerves are damaged, then your quantity of ejaculate should seem about the same. This is because only 5 percent of semen comes from the testicles. Sixty to 75% is from the seminal vesicles; 20% is from the prostate gland, and about 5% is from other glands. If you feel self conscious about your loss of a ball, talk with your doctor about getting a surgical implant. Research in the Journal of Urology found that receiving a testicular implant greatly increases self-esteem. While some guys love being a one-balled wonder, others would rather have a pair, even if one is useless and made of silicone.
Sex Positions
My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.
Answer :
Trial and error work best when you are trying to find the amount of pressure and friction that feel good to you and your partner during intercourse.
These variations on some common sex positions can usually snug things up:
1) Missionary: She tilts her pelvis down, aiming her vaginal opening toward the mattress, and holds her bent knees up toward her chest while keeping her head elevated on pillows. This will increase pressure against her vaginal walls and shorten her vaginal canal.
2) Sitting: You stand or kneel while she sits on the edge of the bed, sofa, or counter top. When you enter her you’ll be going up at a slight angle, so your penis should hit the top wall of her vagina. You’ll feel pressure and tightness as you hit that wall.
3) Doggy style: Enter her from behind, but open your legs and have her mostly close hers. Then have her angle her body down by resting her head and shoulders flat on the bed. This will help her feel tighter, or you feel bigger…however you prefer to look at it.
What is an idea for a new and exciting sexual position?
Answer :
All you have to do is get creative! Take the basics, and just move around a little, experimenting with wherever your body happens to end up. Put an arm or leg up, or down, or over. Try standing or sitting up during sex. Try doing it in a rocking chair instead of in bed, or even just on the sofa or on the floor. If you need some instruction about new positions, sex books can help. In fact, my book (The Complete Idiot Guide to Amazing Sex) has details and illustrations of some exotic positions. But I will give you a free preview here, of course. Try "The Crab." Here's what to do: The man lies flat on his back. The woman has her back to him, and faces away from him as she sits down on top of his penis, with her legs straddling the outside of his thighs. When the penis is inside her from behind, she leans back on her hands which are at his sides and then onto her feet, lifting up her body, and putting her head back, striving to face up toward the ceiling. In this crablike position, she almost looks like she is doing a back bend. OR try "The Wheelbarrow." In this tricky position, the man stands up while the woman is in front of him, upside down (as if she is about to do a hand stand) with her hands on the floor, and her feet around his waist or on his shoulders (depending on their height). He inserts his penis in her vagina from this position. Most people who try this are probably in for an adventure, just finding out if they can get into this position at all! Overall, have fun experimenting.
I'm a woman who is not quite sure how to move when I am on top. Do you have technique advice?
Answer :
In the woman-on-top position, most often the woman straddles the man’s hips, taking his penis inside her, and then lies on top of him, either with her legs bent behind her (almost in a kneeling position), or stretched out flat along the sides of his legs(front side down). (Yet there are many variations of this position.) The woman can support her weight on her arms when she leans forward, or she can sit all the way up and allow her arms to just dangle or use them to touch him or herself.
In this position, the woman actively controls the speed at which thrusting occurs, and the angle and the depth of penetration. How a woman chooses to move in this position depends on what she wants to feel, or what she wants her partner to feel.
If you're a woman who wants to try to have an orgasm, then try leaning forward slightly and moving in a sliding motion with his penis inside you -- to rub your clitoris against his pelvis as you thrust. In that position, you’ll feel him gently sliding in and out of your vagina, while most of the sensation will be your clitoris rubbing on his pelvis. In this position, your whole body may be very close, or even flat on top of his, with your head close to his.
If you want to feel harder penetration in your vagina, then straighten up, and hoist your vagina up and down on his penis, moving your whole body up and down. Your body will be perpendicular to his. In that position, you can even move your bent legs so that your feet are flat down and you are using your bent legs to push yourself up and down (as if you were mimicking a frog.)
If you want to show your man a full view of your breasts, then you’ll choose to sit up slightly or all the way, so he can see, touch and caress them, which can be extremely arousing for both of you. If you want to kiss him while you’re on top, you’ll lean forward more. If you want to kiss his neck, you’ll be almost flat on top of him. Truly, the key to enjoying the woman-on-top position is feeling confident experimenting with the different sensations you can create during sex. Learn what you enjoy, and what he enjoys, and then you'll have your favorites.
Can you tell me a couple of new and exciting sex positions?
Answer :
Here are two of the newest positions that I've come up with:
1. VERTICAL SPREAD The woman can feel tighter to him and expose her clitoris more by spreading her legs vertically, not horizontally. In missionary position (she's on her back, and his legs are between hers), she grasps behind her own knee of one leg, and keeps her leg straight, extending it up toward her nose. She’ll have one leg resting flat on the bed, and the one pointing toward her head (holding it there). That gives her a vertical spread of her legs and changes the angle of penetration during missionary position sex.
2. HAVING A BALL: (I also wrote about this one in Cosmo recently) Get a medium or large sized exercise ball or large beach ball. The woman lies back on it, with her legs spread, feet flat on the ground, head pointed up or back on the ball, and fingers reaching toward the floor for support. Have the guy kneel between her legs as he enters her. He can continue kneeling while holding her hips as he thrusts, or he can stretch his body over hers and use his feet on the ground for support. She can grab his butt and draw him into her, or keep her hands on the floor for balance as he moves in and out. The exercise ball will roll away if he thrusts too hard or too fast, so he has to restrain his motions—no wild bucking—which will keep his desire on a slow boil. Also, because she has to maintain her balance it forces her to tilt her pelvis upward slightly, so he experiences deep penetration.
Is the 69 position better, anatomy-wise, for men or for women? Does being upside-down matter?
Answer :
Pleasure during 69 (simultaneous, mutual oral) is not related to gender. Also, 69 is not one position – it’s a sex act that can be done in many different positions. You can switch positions until you both feel that your anatomy is being served in a comfortable, pleasurable way. Oral orgasms are contingent on where a tongue is touching the genitals and what other parts of the body are accessible for stimulation. If one of you prefers receiving oral sex when you’re flat on your back, then 69 with one of you on top will work better. If you don’t like doing it with one person on top, or “upside-down” as you say, then instead try side-by-side sixty-nine. With both of you on your sides, 69 let’s you have more freedom with your hands to touch each other’s chest, stomach, thighs, butt. Some people do not like sixty-nine at all because they find it distracting. They may want to focus on their own pleasure when they want to have an orgasm from oral sex. Or they can’t concentrate enough to give oral sex the way they want, if receiving it at the same time. If this is the case, you and your partner can remain in a 69 position, but take turns giving and receiving to enjoy the mutuality of sixty-nine, without the distraction. Also, remember that you when you 69, you can always switch positions, and you don’t need to always do it until you both orgasm. It can be fun for both men and women, just for variation or for a warm up. Finally, realize that when oral sex is at its hottest, you’re not even be thinking about whether your body is upside-down or right-side-up. Just get into it, and do whatever feels good to your body and your partner’s body.
What position is best for the first time?
Answer :
Some couples report that they liked it with him on top, while she has a pillow under her butt, because it allows for her to relax and provides an easy angle for penetration. However, this would only work for her if the guy goes very slowly, and does not thrust fully, at least at first. She needs to be able to tell him to slow down, stop, or keep going. And If she feels that when he is on top she has less control, then perhaps for her first time, she would want to be on top in order lower herself onto him at the pace that’s right for her. Another option might be is side by side in the spoon position. In fact, there are many options, so the couple should discuss it. If the first position doesn’t feel right, you can always move around until you find a position you like. Or you can always stop and try again other time. Be sure to talk about it.
When we're about to have sex, who should insert the penis in the vagina? The man or the woman?
Answer :
As long as you have both already consented to having sex with each other, then either may insert the penis. It’s a matter of personal preferences. Because the woman receives the penis, she may want to have more control over its insertion. Also, she probably knows her introitus (vaginal opening) more intimately the man does; so, she will know if she is lubricated enough, her preferred angle of penetration, and if she needs to hold her labia far apart to allow the penis to enter. Yet, if the man enjoys the feeling of guiding his erection into her, then he may prefer to do it. Some men like to tease a woman by just putting the head in at first. That man would want to do it on his own, so he can play while he puts it in. If a man can not quite find the best angle of entry, or if he’s not aware that he may need to hold her labia to the side to enter, then she can certainly lend a hand. There’s no reason why they can't both help.
If the man is not sure how to do it, here are tips: First touch the entrance of her vagina with your fingers to feel if she is lubricated. If she is not lubricated enough yet, then use some of your saliva to lubricate her vagina, or a store bought lubricant that is condom compatible -- or have more foreplay! If she is well lubricated, then part her labia with the fingers of one hand. Try to find an angle of entry that allows your penis to gently slide into the vagina. If the penis does not slide, guide it with your other hand, as you try to move your position to adjust to the best angle of entry. All during the process, continue kissing and touching, to keep her (and your) level of arousal high. Also, make a deal that the partner who inserts it, needs to also check that the condom is on properly.
During intercourse, if when changing positions the penis comes out, the person who has the easiest and fastest access to it can put it back in. First come, first serve. However: Some men have a fear that if the woman is on top and his penis comes out, then she will thrust back down hard, missing vaginal opening, slamming his erection into her body – which could injure his penis. If that’s your fear, then let her know before sex, that you would like the job of reinsertion - when she’s on top - to be all yours, or at least tell her that you will require that she uses her hands to slowly and carefully reinsert it.
Answer :
Trial and error work best when you are trying to find the amount of pressure and friction that feel good to you and your partner during intercourse.
These variations on some common sex positions can usually snug things up:
1) Missionary: She tilts her pelvis down, aiming her vaginal opening toward the mattress, and holds her bent knees up toward her chest while keeping her head elevated on pillows. This will increase pressure against her vaginal walls and shorten her vaginal canal.
2) Sitting: You stand or kneel while she sits on the edge of the bed, sofa, or counter top. When you enter her you’ll be going up at a slight angle, so your penis should hit the top wall of her vagina. You’ll feel pressure and tightness as you hit that wall.
3) Doggy style: Enter her from behind, but open your legs and have her mostly close hers. Then have her angle her body down by resting her head and shoulders flat on the bed. This will help her feel tighter, or you feel bigger…however you prefer to look at it.
What is an idea for a new and exciting sexual position?
Answer :
All you have to do is get creative! Take the basics, and just move around a little, experimenting with wherever your body happens to end up. Put an arm or leg up, or down, or over. Try standing or sitting up during sex. Try doing it in a rocking chair instead of in bed, or even just on the sofa or on the floor. If you need some instruction about new positions, sex books can help. In fact, my book (The Complete Idiot Guide to Amazing Sex) has details and illustrations of some exotic positions. But I will give you a free preview here, of course. Try "The Crab." Here's what to do: The man lies flat on his back. The woman has her back to him, and faces away from him as she sits down on top of his penis, with her legs straddling the outside of his thighs. When the penis is inside her from behind, she leans back on her hands which are at his sides and then onto her feet, lifting up her body, and putting her head back, striving to face up toward the ceiling. In this crablike position, she almost looks like she is doing a back bend. OR try "The Wheelbarrow." In this tricky position, the man stands up while the woman is in front of him, upside down (as if she is about to do a hand stand) with her hands on the floor, and her feet around his waist or on his shoulders (depending on their height). He inserts his penis in her vagina from this position. Most people who try this are probably in for an adventure, just finding out if they can get into this position at all! Overall, have fun experimenting.
I'm a woman who is not quite sure how to move when I am on top. Do you have technique advice?
Answer :
In the woman-on-top position, most often the woman straddles the man’s hips, taking his penis inside her, and then lies on top of him, either with her legs bent behind her (almost in a kneeling position), or stretched out flat along the sides of his legs(front side down). (Yet there are many variations of this position.) The woman can support her weight on her arms when she leans forward, or she can sit all the way up and allow her arms to just dangle or use them to touch him or herself.
In this position, the woman actively controls the speed at which thrusting occurs, and the angle and the depth of penetration. How a woman chooses to move in this position depends on what she wants to feel, or what she wants her partner to feel.
If you're a woman who wants to try to have an orgasm, then try leaning forward slightly and moving in a sliding motion with his penis inside you -- to rub your clitoris against his pelvis as you thrust. In that position, you’ll feel him gently sliding in and out of your vagina, while most of the sensation will be your clitoris rubbing on his pelvis. In this position, your whole body may be very close, or even flat on top of his, with your head close to his.
If you want to feel harder penetration in your vagina, then straighten up, and hoist your vagina up and down on his penis, moving your whole body up and down. Your body will be perpendicular to his. In that position, you can even move your bent legs so that your feet are flat down and you are using your bent legs to push yourself up and down (as if you were mimicking a frog.)
If you want to show your man a full view of your breasts, then you’ll choose to sit up slightly or all the way, so he can see, touch and caress them, which can be extremely arousing for both of you. If you want to kiss him while you’re on top, you’ll lean forward more. If you want to kiss his neck, you’ll be almost flat on top of him. Truly, the key to enjoying the woman-on-top position is feeling confident experimenting with the different sensations you can create during sex. Learn what you enjoy, and what he enjoys, and then you'll have your favorites.
Can you tell me a couple of new and exciting sex positions?
Answer :
Here are two of the newest positions that I've come up with:
1. VERTICAL SPREAD The woman can feel tighter to him and expose her clitoris more by spreading her legs vertically, not horizontally. In missionary position (she's on her back, and his legs are between hers), she grasps behind her own knee of one leg, and keeps her leg straight, extending it up toward her nose. She’ll have one leg resting flat on the bed, and the one pointing toward her head (holding it there). That gives her a vertical spread of her legs and changes the angle of penetration during missionary position sex.
2. HAVING A BALL: (I also wrote about this one in Cosmo recently) Get a medium or large sized exercise ball or large beach ball. The woman lies back on it, with her legs spread, feet flat on the ground, head pointed up or back on the ball, and fingers reaching toward the floor for support. Have the guy kneel between her legs as he enters her. He can continue kneeling while holding her hips as he thrusts, or he can stretch his body over hers and use his feet on the ground for support. She can grab his butt and draw him into her, or keep her hands on the floor for balance as he moves in and out. The exercise ball will roll away if he thrusts too hard or too fast, so he has to restrain his motions—no wild bucking—which will keep his desire on a slow boil. Also, because she has to maintain her balance it forces her to tilt her pelvis upward slightly, so he experiences deep penetration.
Is the 69 position better, anatomy-wise, for men or for women? Does being upside-down matter?
Answer :
Pleasure during 69 (simultaneous, mutual oral) is not related to gender. Also, 69 is not one position – it’s a sex act that can be done in many different positions. You can switch positions until you both feel that your anatomy is being served in a comfortable, pleasurable way. Oral orgasms are contingent on where a tongue is touching the genitals and what other parts of the body are accessible for stimulation. If one of you prefers receiving oral sex when you’re flat on your back, then 69 with one of you on top will work better. If you don’t like doing it with one person on top, or “upside-down” as you say, then instead try side-by-side sixty-nine. With both of you on your sides, 69 let’s you have more freedom with your hands to touch each other’s chest, stomach, thighs, butt. Some people do not like sixty-nine at all because they find it distracting. They may want to focus on their own pleasure when they want to have an orgasm from oral sex. Or they can’t concentrate enough to give oral sex the way they want, if receiving it at the same time. If this is the case, you and your partner can remain in a 69 position, but take turns giving and receiving to enjoy the mutuality of sixty-nine, without the distraction. Also, remember that you when you 69, you can always switch positions, and you don’t need to always do it until you both orgasm. It can be fun for both men and women, just for variation or for a warm up. Finally, realize that when oral sex is at its hottest, you’re not even be thinking about whether your body is upside-down or right-side-up. Just get into it, and do whatever feels good to your body and your partner’s body.
What position is best for the first time?
Answer :
Some couples report that they liked it with him on top, while she has a pillow under her butt, because it allows for her to relax and provides an easy angle for penetration. However, this would only work for her if the guy goes very slowly, and does not thrust fully, at least at first. She needs to be able to tell him to slow down, stop, or keep going. And If she feels that when he is on top she has less control, then perhaps for her first time, she would want to be on top in order lower herself onto him at the pace that’s right for her. Another option might be is side by side in the spoon position. In fact, there are many options, so the couple should discuss it. If the first position doesn’t feel right, you can always move around until you find a position you like. Or you can always stop and try again other time. Be sure to talk about it.
When we're about to have sex, who should insert the penis in the vagina? The man or the woman?
Answer :
As long as you have both already consented to having sex with each other, then either may insert the penis. It’s a matter of personal preferences. Because the woman receives the penis, she may want to have more control over its insertion. Also, she probably knows her introitus (vaginal opening) more intimately the man does; so, she will know if she is lubricated enough, her preferred angle of penetration, and if she needs to hold her labia far apart to allow the penis to enter. Yet, if the man enjoys the feeling of guiding his erection into her, then he may prefer to do it. Some men like to tease a woman by just putting the head in at first. That man would want to do it on his own, so he can play while he puts it in. If a man can not quite find the best angle of entry, or if he’s not aware that he may need to hold her labia to the side to enter, then she can certainly lend a hand. There’s no reason why they can't both help.
If the man is not sure how to do it, here are tips: First touch the entrance of her vagina with your fingers to feel if she is lubricated. If she is not lubricated enough yet, then use some of your saliva to lubricate her vagina, or a store bought lubricant that is condom compatible -- or have more foreplay! If she is well lubricated, then part her labia with the fingers of one hand. Try to find an angle of entry that allows your penis to gently slide into the vagina. If the penis does not slide, guide it with your other hand, as you try to move your position to adjust to the best angle of entry. All during the process, continue kissing and touching, to keep her (and your) level of arousal high. Also, make a deal that the partner who inserts it, needs to also check that the condom is on properly.
During intercourse, if when changing positions the penis comes out, the person who has the easiest and fastest access to it can put it back in. First come, first serve. However: Some men have a fear that if the woman is on top and his penis comes out, then she will thrust back down hard, missing vaginal opening, slamming his erection into her body – which could injure his penis. If that’s your fear, then let her know before sex, that you would like the job of reinsertion - when she’s on top - to be all yours, or at least tell her that you will require that she uses her hands to slowly and carefully reinsert it.
What is an idea for a new and exciting sexual position?
Answer :
All you have to do is get creative! Take the basics, and just move around a little, experimenting with wherever your body happens to end up. Put an arm or leg up, or down, or over. Try standing or sitting up during sex. Try doing it in a rocking chair instead of in bed, or even just on the sofa or on the floor. If you need some instruction about new positions, sex books can help. In fact, my book (The Complete Idiot Guide to Amazing Sex) has details and illustrations of some exotic positions. But I will give you a free preview here, of course. Try "The Crab." Here's what to do: The man lies flat on his back. The woman has her back to him, and faces away from him as she sits down on top of his penis, with her legs straddling the outside of his thighs. When the penis is inside her from behind, she leans back on her hands which are at his sides and then onto her feet, lifting up her body, and putting her head back, striving to face up toward the ceiling. In this crablike position, she almost looks like she is doing a back bend. OR try "The Wheelbarrow." In this tricky position, the man stands up while the woman is in front of him, upside down (as if she is about to do a hand stand) with her hands on the floor, and her feet around his waist or on his shoulders (depending on their height). He inserts his penis in her vagina from this position. Most people who try this are probably in for an adventure, just finding out if they can get into this position at all! Overall, have fun experimenting.
All you have to do is get creative! Take the basics, and just move around a little, experimenting with wherever your body happens to end up. Put an arm or leg up, or down, or over. Try standing or sitting up during sex. Try doing it in a rocking chair instead of in bed, or even just on the sofa or on the floor. If you need some instruction about new positions, sex books can help. In fact, my book (The Complete Idiot Guide to Amazing Sex) has details and illustrations of some exotic positions. But I will give you a free preview here, of course. Try "The Crab." Here's what to do: The man lies flat on his back. The woman has her back to him, and faces away from him as she sits down on top of his penis, with her legs straddling the outside of his thighs. When the penis is inside her from behind, she leans back on her hands which are at his sides and then onto her feet, lifting up her body, and putting her head back, striving to face up toward the ceiling. In this crablike position, she almost looks like she is doing a back bend. OR try "The Wheelbarrow." In this tricky position, the man stands up while the woman is in front of him, upside down (as if she is about to do a hand stand) with her hands on the floor, and her feet around his waist or on his shoulders (depending on their height). He inserts his penis in her vagina from this position. Most people who try this are probably in for an adventure, just finding out if they can get into this position at all! Overall, have fun experimenting.
My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.
Answer :
Trial and error work best when you are trying to find the amount of pressure and friction that feel good to you and your partner during intercourse.
These variations on some common sex positions can usually snug things up:
1) Missionary: She tilts her pelvis down, aiming her vaginal opening toward the mattress, and holds her bent knees up toward her chest while keeping her head elevated on pillows. This will increase pressure against her vaginal walls and shorten her vaginal canal.
2) Sitting: You stand or kneel while she sits on the edge of the bed, sofa, or counter top. When you enter her you’ll be going up at a slight angle, so your penis should hit the top wall of her vagina. You’ll feel pressure and tightness as you hit that wall.
3) Doggy style: Enter her from behind, but open your legs and have her mostly close hers. Then have her angle her body down by resting her head and shoulders flat on the bed. This will help her feel tighter, or you feel bigger…however you prefer to look at it.
Trial and error work best when you are trying to find the amount of pressure and friction that feel good to you and your partner during intercourse.
These variations on some common sex positions can usually snug things up:
1) Missionary: She tilts her pelvis down, aiming her vaginal opening toward the mattress, and holds her bent knees up toward her chest while keeping her head elevated on pillows. This will increase pressure against her vaginal walls and shorten her vaginal canal.
2) Sitting: You stand or kneel while she sits on the edge of the bed, sofa, or counter top. When you enter her you’ll be going up at a slight angle, so your penis should hit the top wall of her vagina. You’ll feel pressure and tightness as you hit that wall.
3) Doggy style: Enter her from behind, but open your legs and have her mostly close hers. Then have her angle her body down by resting her head and shoulders flat on the bed. This will help her feel tighter, or you feel bigger…however you prefer to look at it.
Sex and drugs
Powders, pills and sexy thrills have been the subject of more songs and urban legends than we can count. Putting some of the more romantic ideas to one side, here's TheSite.org's take on the real highs and lows of chemical lurve.
LSD/ Magic mushrooms
High: Some users report an increased sexual awareness while tripping.
Low: Trips are unpredictable. Hallucinating unpleasantly during sex could be traumatic, while a heavy dose may leave users totally turned off.
Cocaine
High: Cocaine is a stimulant drug. In small doses it can increase sexual arousal and make orgasms and erections easier.
Low: In larger amounts, cocaine can still fuel sexual desire, while decreasing the ability to actually perform properly. Problems achieving erection and orgasm are very common.
Amphetamines (speed)
High: The initial rush may lift the libido, but the feeling is unlikely to last.
Low: Male users may find the penis is less sensitive or responsive, and ejaculation difficult to achieve. As a result, sex can last a long time - which places both partners at risk of chafing (rubbed raw skin). Painfully funny on paper. Pure pain, in reality.
Cannabis
High: Users can feel less inhibited and unfriendly, while the increased sensory perception can turn stoners all touchy-feely.
Low: Blokes on dope risk a reduction in testosterone production, and a drop in sperm count, while females may experience some fertility problems due to changes in ovulation and menstrual cycles.
Ecstasy
High: An increased sense of warmth and empathy towards sexual partner. Some users feel they are more physically aroused, (although others report a loss of sensation and delayed orgasm).
Low: Increases the chances of risky sexual behaviour. A recent study showed users were more likely not to bother using condoms or other forms of contraception. Also, the drug-induced sense of loving everyone around you could mean you wind up sleeping with someone you don't really like at all.
Opiates
High: Drugs such as heroin, morphine and codeine belong to a drug group called opiates, which have a painkilling, detached effect. Codeine, in particular, is a feature in some strong over-the-counter painkilling products, so about the only appeal there, sex-wise, is that headaches won't wash as an excuse.
Low: Opiate misuse can lead to full time problems such as impotence, lowered libido and difficulty attaining orgasm.
Poppers (alkyl nitrites)
High: Some users take poppers during sex because they enjoy the brief, intense head rush and relaxant effect. Particularly popular among gay men.
Low: Alkyl nitrites reduce blood pressure. This means Viagra users should steer clear as the combination could be fatal.
Men and sex: top 10 worries
Yes, you heard right. Men worry about sex. Here are the 10 most common thoughts that get their y-fronts in a twist.
1. Will masturbation make me infertile?
There's a lot of myths around about masturbation, as no one really talks about such a private act. The fact is it won't make you blind or infertile, nor is it compulsory. Also, people do it whether or not they're in a relationship - including women. It's just a natural way to get in touch with your body and the pleasure you can get from it.
2. How do I find her clitoris?
The female clitoris is that highly sensitive, and highly sought after erectile sex organ. It's basically a fleshy bump, located at the top of the vaginal lips. Like the penis, the clitoris is packed with nerve endings and serves as the focus of stimulation for women, often resulting in orgasm. As for finding it, and handling it right, the best thing you can do is ask! If you're comfortable with your partner, and feel able to discuss such an intimate subject, then find out how she likes to be touched. With help, respect and experience, you'll soon find your way.
3. I'm too embarrassed to buy condoms
Using condoms means you're sussed about contraception. It means you understand and respect your sexual health and also your partner's. In this view, buying contraception really shouldn't be an issue. It certainly isn't for the person at the till. But if you really can't face it, alone or even with your partner, then condoms are available from vending machines installed in places like public toilets - where you can make the transaction in relative privacy.
4. She's more experienced than me
Your performance in the sack doesn't depend upon how many notches you've racked up on your bedpost. Nor does it matter that she's notched a few more than you. No matter how many times you or your partner have done it, what counts is the way you relate to each other - both physically and emotionally. If you're comfortable in her company, and feel able to communicate on an intimate basis, then sex should be rewarding for you both in equal measure.
5. My girlfriend wants sex and I'm not ready
Lads find it hard to admit they feel pressured into sex, fearing that it's somehow not macho. If you can be honest about your feelings, however, it shows an emotional maturity that your partner should respect.
6. She's not ready for sex
Sex is at its best when both of you feel comfortable with the idea of getting intimate. Rush into it, chances are you'll end up feeling insecure or disappointed. If you respect her, then let her know there's no pressure from you.
7. I can't admit to my mates that I'm still a virgin
Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a man, though a lot of lads lie about their sexual conquests in a bid to cover up their insecurities. Even if they are telling the truth, bragging about it doesn't show much respect for such an intimate act.
8. Can we have sex during her period?
Yes. Providing you're both comfortable with the idea, as there may be some menstrual bleeding, and you're sussed about safer sex. A woman isn't likely to get pregnant during her period, but there's always a chance- especially at the end of her menstrual cycle. What's more, unprotected sex increases the risk of exposure to sexually transmitted infections, period or not!
9. How can I tell if she's really had an orgasm?
Unless she's prepared to let you know, the truth is it's very difficult. Sure, you can look for little signs such as an increase in her breathing rate or a change in her body movement, but you'll never be sure if it's because she's having an orgasm or simply hoping that faking it will stop you looking so anxious! The only way to be sure is by talking about the issue with her. Find out what brings her to orgasm, and when, if at all. Ultimately, sexual communication is at the heart of any good orgasm -male or female -it's just a question of building up the trust and respect between you.
10. Surely size matters a little bit?
The size of a man's penis really doesn't have any bearing on his status as a lover. Women everywhere will vouch for the fact that a caring and considerate guy counts a whole lot more than a bloke with a big dick and no brains. So chuck away your ruler, and start measuring up as a skilled, sensitive and rewarding sexual partner.
Premature ejaculation
Coming too soon is a common problem for men but in many cases it doesn't, ahem, last long. Here are some coping strategies - however it's affecting you.
What is premature ejaculation?
Put simply, it's a term given to explain what happens during sex when a man 'comes' or 'climaxes' too quickly. Some experts interpret premature as meaning ejaculation within two minutes of penetration. Others define it within the context of a sexual relationship, when a persistently early finish causes problems between you and your partner.
What causes premature ejaculation?
Anxiety, stress and abstinence from sex can all play a part. It isn't uncommon for men to suffer from 'performance anxiety', especially at the start of a relationship when the desire to please is often at its greatest.
In most cases, learning to recognise and control the sensations in the penis will slow things down, and communicating with your partner about what is worrying you is also key. Once you've got your concerns out in the open, you can both set about putting them right. Which means one thing: practise!
Regaining control
- Prolonged foreplay: Foreplay with a ban on sex can help reduce anxiety and ultimately delay orgasm.
- Distraction: Mild cases of PE can often be solved by learning the art of distraction. This involves turning your mind to something else when you feel you are getting close to climax.
- The stop-start technique: An exercise practised during manual stimulation or sex, which basically involves slowing down or holding off just before ejaculation. This allows the level of arousal to subside, giving more pre-climax control.
- The Masters-Johnson method: A 'penis-grip' technique developed by therapists of the same names. By learning a special finger grip that stops the urge to climax, it's often possible to re-train a man to last much longer. It's possible to master the technique with a willing partner but it's best if you both learn it properly with a trained doctor, psychotherapist or counsellor.
Other ways to delay premature ejaculation:
So, you've talked about the problem and no amount of practise seems to be making any difference. Don't panic - there are still options:
- Sex after ejaculation: Having ejaculated once, either by masturbation or during sex, men generally take longer to achieve arousal and climax again.
- Thicker condoms: Can reduce the intensity of arousal leading up to climax.
- Psychosexual counselling: If PE continues to be a problem, talking things through with a counsellor could help. Find someone suitable through Relate or the British Association for Sex and Relationship Therapy (BASRT).
- Lessen your expectations: Many men buy into the sex myth that they should be in control. This can lead to a great deal of anxiety, which is linked to premature ejaculation. Recognising that both partners play an equal part will take the focus off the need to 'perform' and help you to relax.
Does my dick look big in this?
Bigger! Better! Longer-lasting! Everyone should know that size doesn't matter, but that doesn't stop the whole male race wondering what they can do to make their fella look bigger.
Let's leave the question of why you feel the need to boost your manhood until last, because that's not what you want to hear right now. Instead check out some of the illusions and products you can draw upon to make yourself feel better:
Trim your pubic hair
Cutting down your pubic bush, or shaving it completely, will reveal more of your genitals. All that foliage you've got going on could be hiding a vital inch! Check your weight - men with beer bellies or who are generally overweight often lose sight of their penises completely. The more fatty tissue you're packing around the abdomen and thighs, the more likely it is that your tackle will seem to shrink. It's an optical illusion, but a sensible weight reduction program could see your penis come out to play in a big way.
Avoid facing mirrors
When it comes to measuring up their manhood, most guys think they're packing less than they actually are. Looking down at your dick will lose you some length, so if you really want to appreciate the full nine yards, turn sideways and stand proud.
Vacuum Devices
These have been around since the beginning of last century, and can be effective in treating impotence. Sadly, many manufacturers have cottoned on to the fact that they can flog them in greater quantities by marketing them as 'extenders.' Either way, you slip your old fella into a sealed plastic flask and then pump out the air using a hand-held suction pump. The subsequent vacuum created inside makes your penis engorge with blood and swell into an erection. A special rubber ring is then attached around the penis base to trap the blood. After that the flask is removed and hey presto - you're left with a boner to make your back arch!
Cock rings
Can often be used in conjunction with a vacuum pump, or as a means to keep your soldier standing to attention for longer than you could otherwise manage. These constricting rings boost erections by trapping the blood where it matters most. Slip it on behind the testicles for 20 minutes max. Experts warn that wearing any cock ring for longer periods increases the risk of blocked arteries and tissue damage. Ouch.
'Developer' creams and sprays
There are many types of creams, sprays and balsams that work by dilating blood vessels when absorbed into the penis. This increases blood flow, which allegedly leaves you hung like a racehorse. Other creams work by increasing penis sensitivity, and many users claim this can increase sexual pleasure.
Boost your self-confidence
The bit you didn't want to hear, but which is certainly the only way you're going to get a longer-lasting sense of pride in your penis. Why? Because the size of your knob bears no relation to sexual satisfaction. Being a sensitive, considerate lover is more likely to make your partner's eyes water, so relax, man. Relax.
When he's crap in bed
Fumbling, slobbering, or downright selfish? Come on girls, if he's not much cop in the sack, we have the power to rebuild him.
It's a tricky subject to broach, but if your sex life goes with a whimper rather than a bang then you have to do something about it.
The other options are suffering in silence followed by an explosion of resentment, or dumping them and leaving the good bits of your current relationship behind along with the bad stuff. If your *ahem* 'physical needs' aren't even close to being met, there's sometimes an overpowering temptation to be unfaithful too.
So, to prevent future heartache all round it's better to do something about it sooner rather than later. You can 'retrain' him (mainly non-verbal) or you can talk it out.
Retraining
The essence of this little project is to reward good behaviour. Even if he's the worst fumbler in the world he'll hit on a few of the right spots eventually, just as a random event. A truly inept lover will then bumble on to do something else that's less enjoyable, so stop him when you've got him where you want.
Breathe heavily, sigh lustily, and groan loudly with passion. You won't have to exaggerate forever, he'll soon learn what you like and will think he's a right stud, without being made to feel like he's been given orders from miss bossyboots. If he really doesn't know what he's doing, buy a really good quality sex manual 'to read together' and make sure you always leave it round at his place.
You want to be touched in a particular place or way, but are sick of asking/ explaining? Just gently guide his hands to where you want them. You want oral sex but he's a bit backwards in coming forwards? Get into bed upside down. You get the idea.
Talking it out
Suppose there's something that you know you really like, but it doesn't happen often enough. Prompt him into action with a choice comment such as: "Do you remember when we went to that restaurant/did it on the beach/wrestled covered in baby oil? That was such a BIG turn on..." Any fella with a bit of common sense will be waving bruschetta/holiday brochures/Dr Johnson's finest at you soon enough.
There's also the one-for-you and one-for-me ploy, which is great for when you'd like to try something new. Whisper in their ear that you'd like to know about their fantasies, and make sure you tell them all about yours. The downside of this one is that when they finally get round to buying those satin sheets you love the look of, they'll be ruined by the chocolate sauce he fancies. Or is that just stuff that happens at TheSite Towers?
Changing his bad ways
Anyway, on to the final bit of problem solving. Easily the toughest problem to tackle is dealing with a bloke who keeps doing things that really turn you off, rather than forgetting to do things to turn you on. You really have to talk to him about it, but pick the right moment. Don't say it just before or during sex, as this will only put him on the defensive.
Say what you didn't like, and give him a chance to talk about things he doesn't like too. Find a compromise wherever possible, and move the conversation on to something positive that you both like and can look forward to ("You know, I really didn't like it the other night when you started talking about your throbbing pork sword/called me a whore/wiped your dick on the curtains afterwards - can we do something else instead?")
If he doesn't get the message then he's a moron, and it's perfectly OK to dump him, you have TheSite.org's permission.
Clitoris confidence
Swot up on what it is, where it is, and - most importantly - what to do when you find it. A guide for guys - and girls.
What is it?
The female clitoris is that highly sensitive, and much sought after erectile sex organ. Like the penis, the clitoris is packed with nerve endings and serves as the focus of stimulation for women, often resulting in orgasm.
Where is it
Located at the top of the vaginal lips, and surrounded by the folds of the labia, the clitoris is that small, pea-shaped bump - though size and shape may vary. A fleshy hood protects the clitoris, and this retracts when the woman is sexually aroused.
How does it work?
What you can feel (whether it's yours or your partner's) is effectively the head of the clitoris. This connects to a system of erectile tissue that has a big influence on the female genitals. When sexually aroused, it fills with blood and becomes much more sensitive - in a similar way to the male penis.
How should I handle it?
The clitoris is very sensitive. It can respond to being touched, rubbed, licked, sucked, or through pressure from a vibrator or penis during intercourse. For some women, it can be so sensitive that direct stimulation is just too painful. We're all turned on in different ways, after all, so if you're unsure what floats her boat then ask! If you're comfortable with your partner, and feel able to discuss such an intimate subject, she can only respect you for finding out how she likes to be handled. With help, respect and experience, you'll soon find your way.
Real life sex
Sex always looks mind-blowing in the movies, but does it really matter if your bedroom reality is totally different?
If, like many people, you got most of your sex education from porn sites or the cinema, you might be wondering why your real love life doesn't match up.
But don't start feeling bitterly disappointed, or tell your partner that they're rubbish because they don't know how to 'do it' properly. To put it bluntly, you might be having a problem telling the difference between red light and real life.
Porn v reality
Let's start with the storylines for fictional sex. Porn movies are happy to show you horny housewives dragging any old plumber, milkman or pizza delivery boy straight in off the doorstep for a mind-blowing shag. In everyday life, women just don't do stuff like that, in case the complete stranger is some dangerous psycho or (more likely) plug-ugly, pimply, and inexperienced.
Bodies are another thing. Your average male has a lardy catering-pack rather than a six-pack on his belly, and doesn't tend to be covered in fake tan and baby oil when he whips his kit off. Real women tend to be OK about this. And as for those fourteen inch erections, let me whisper this, some of them are fakes so don't worry too much guys. Oh, and a woman's nipples are not supposed to point directly upwards at the ceiling like missiles if she's lying on her back. Naturally curvy females have cellulite too, and it isn't some rare disease.
Cinema sex is always so nicely choreographed. Never any embarrassing fumbling, tripping over half-removed knickers, squelching noises, knobs slipping out unexpectedly, fits of giggles, or fanny farts. Or people saying: "Oops! Sorry!" or: "Up a bit, left a bit". The script just goes off into this 'perfect' sequence, with telepathic partners who both know exactly what to do, and when to do it. In reality, if you don't communicate, your love life tends to go down the pan very fast.
Pass the sick-bucket
Safer sex? Even asking if she's on the pill? Nope, they just get straight down to getting jiggy. Mr Porn Star can bang away for hours at a time, and Ms Porn Star reaches a climax after zero foreplay and a mere sixty seconds of pushing and shoving, and she screams a lot. Not bad for two people who only met for the first time five minutes earlier.
Romantic movies are even worse, and always seem to show the beautiful couple having simultaneous orgasms, gazing tenderly into each other's eyes. Aaah, how sweet. Pass the bucket. When it comes to love and sex this situation is as rare as rocking horse poo, but who hasn't worried about their timing being less than perfect?
So don't worry if the fact doesn't match up to the glossy fantasy. Relax, write your own script.
Sex: caught at it
Oh no, they've seen you now. And you have to hide the blushes on all four of your cheeks.
You wanted privacy
There is nothing worse than going away somewhere private for a bit of a romp with your beloved, then having someone walk in on you while you're in the middle of the act. Whether it's a nosy drunken flatmate, a hotel chambermaid, or the window cleaner, they were definitely not invited to the private show. Check that your partner is not too upset afterwards, remember they may be even more embarrassed than you.
Firstly, a little prevention is worth 10 clean-up operations. Make sure the door is properly locked, draw those curtains, or be damned sure the 'do not disturb' sign is clearly displayed. Secondly, if they already know that they should knock before opening the door, feel free to tell them to get out in no uncertain terms. If it was an honest mistake, cover your modesty as best you can and ask them politely to come back later, on account of how you're erm, a bit busy.
You may need to set ground rules with housemates or landladies about walking into rooms unannounced. If you're living with your parents but are old enough to move out or be paying them rent then the same thing applies, just approach the subject with some delicacy, and make sure you are being treated as an adult, not a naughty child. Failing that, fit a big old lock on the door.
You were up to no good
If you have crossed some moral boundaries, be prepared for the consequences. Breaking taboos can often be exciting and thrilling, but people can get hurt both physically and emotionally. If you have been sleeping with someone much older or younger than yourself, someone who is in a relationship with another person, or a relative or best friend of your current partner, watch out.
In addition to being embarrassed by getting caught with your pants down, you run the risk of a confrontation with an angry parent, husband, or girlfriend. It could get violent. You could get arrested, be responsible for a family splitting up, or get named in divorce proceedings.
You were in public
Oh that old fantasy, sex in a public or semi-public place. In the library, on the beach, in a cornfield, down a leafy lane, or the back of a taxi on the way home, or wherever else you fancy. The thrill of almost getting caught adds a naughty tingle of excitement to proceedings, but being completely laid bare (sorry) in public is not what most people are after, unless they are hardcore exhibitionists with good legal aid.
You can be charged with a number of offences from indecent exposure to outraging public decency, being drunk and disorderly, or obstructing a public right of way. If you do get arrested, at least try to look sheepish and be very polite to the police officer, they can throw the book at you if they so wish. Cross your fingers and hope they will put it down to youthful stupidity. Then go home and laugh.
You may find yourself with an unexpected audience, or even get a round of applause as you return from the back of the restaurant grinning and readjusting your clothing. In which case laugh it off, take a bow, and make a sharp exit. Or look at your partner longingly and announce to the room: "well you would, wouldn't you? I'm only human..."
High performance penis
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am! There are ways to perk your little fella up for a little bit longer.
Banish alcohol
Get drunk before sex and your performance will suffer. Why? Because alcohol is a depressant drug, and this can affect your libido and erection potential. What's more, heavy long-term use of alcohol is strongly associated with impotence (the inability to achieve a satisfactory erection).
Quit smoking
An unhealthy nicotine habit increases your 'wood problem potential' by around 50% because it damages those all-important blood vessels. More immediately, sucking on a ciggie actually causes the penile tissue to contract, which suggests that you can't be a smoker and also be a stud. That smoking also compromises your sperm quality and quantity should help you make the smart choice.
Slip on a cock ring
A constricting device that traps the blood where it matters most. This might boost your erection potential, just be aware that you run the risk of seriously wounding your soldier if you keep it on for longer than 20 minutes.
Keep up your supplements
Yes, complementary medicine might make you a better lover! Check out some of the playboy properties in the following pills and potions:
- Yohimbe: an extract from the bark of an African tree, believed to enhance performance and virility.
- Schisandra: pump up your potency with this berry extract.
- Siberian ginseng: for that stamina boost you so desperately need.
- Bilberry and ginkgo biloba: to guarantee a good blood supply to all your vital extremities.
'Developer' sprays
These aim to dilate vessels when absorbed into the penis, theoretically making room for more blood.Sex and self-esteem
Having low self-esteem can have a strong effect upon your personal relationships, especially when it comes to sex. The good news is, you can get over it.
Have you ever:
- Had sex with someone because you thought they'd accuse you of being frigid or scared if you didn't?
- Thought that having sex with someone would mean they'd like you more?
- Had sex so you'd appear more popular, desirable, or cooler to your friends?
- Stayed in a relationship with someone who didn't treat you right because you thought you couldn't do any better, or were scared of being alone?
If you've answered yes to any of the above, it's likely that you're suffering from low self-esteem. Perhaps you don't have the confidence to say exactly what you feel for fear of how you'll come across.
So what is high self-esteem?
To put it simply, it means liking yourself. This doesn't mean you have be ultra-confident and cocky, but if you have a good opinion of you, you don't need reassurance from others. Youth and Relate counsellor Paula Hall says: "The key to good self-esteem is positive affirmation - telling yourself things that make you feel good about yourself, like 'I'm attractive' or 'I'm in charge of my life'."
Low self-esteem can be caused by many different factors. You might be lonely, or feeling unattractive or maybe you're being bullied. And if you don't feel confident, it means you can't say no and the vicious circle begins. You end up making bad decisions because you don't feel good about yourself. That's why you might have sex when you don't really want to: you want to be liked but, as you probably know already, that's not the best reason to have sex.
If other people know you have low self-esteem, you are also more prone to being pushed into doing things you don't want to do (drugs, sex, smoking) or being bullied. In extreme cases, having low self-esteem makes you more vulnerable to abusive relationships. The majority of victims are girls whose lack of confidence attracts these controlling boyfriends. In these relationships, many girls lose their confidence and are unable to assert their views, for example, if he won't wear a condom. If you're confident, it means you can say 'no condom, no sex!' If you're nervous, you won't be able to say boo to a goose, never mind no to your partner.
Take action
First of all, think about why you don't feel good. If you're conscious of your appearance, the key is to stop comparing yourself to the models in magazines or the prettiest girl/best-looking guy at school. Everyone is unique and we can't all be Kylies and Brads.
If you're feeling lonely, it's time to build on the friendships you have - you might even find that you're not alone in the way you feel. Having a strong family or friends network can do wonders for your well being and will also stop you feeling depressed.When it comes to sex, you have to look out for number one. As Paula Hall says: 'Put your self-interest first. If someone is putting pressure on you to do something you're uncomfortable with, then try to get out of that situation immediately. For example, say you feel ill, or that you need to get home, or just say you're not ready. Once you're away from that scenario, you can think about what you want for yourself in this relationship. And if your boyfriend or girlfriend won't listen to and respect your feelings then it's time to say goodbye. Remember, you're a valuable human being and your body is for your pleasure.'
So next time you're in a difficult situation, take a step back and tell yourself you deserve better and that no-one has the right to tell you what to do, especially with something as personal as sex. It is your body and you're in charge of it.
Did he enjoy it?
If you have to ask, then you're not entirely convinced, which means one thing: tackling the 'talk'.
The lowdown
Popular belief has it that if a man is breathing during sex then he must be having a good time. And if he ejaculates, then he must have had an "excellent" time, right?
The inside view
The fact is, men are able to fake certain aspects of lovemaking just as women can - from grunting and moaning, even ejaculating if he's sufficiently stimulated - the mechanics are reasonably easy to muster. But then it isn't always a reflection of how turned on he feels in his mind.
The embarrassing bit
So there you are, lying there in bed together swapping comments on how wonderful that was. He's ticked all the right boxes by a) smoking a cigarette b) ordering pizza c) snoring, but somehow you're not so sure this is a genuine post-sex moment. There's only one way to find out, however, and that's by asking.
The trick is in timing it right
It's down to you to judge the moment, but interrogating him after he's just rolled off you may not earn an honest answer - he's likely to be embarrassed and defensive, which is a recipe for a row. Sometimes it's better to pick a moment when you're alone together and feeling chilled, then just steer the conversation to the subject of your love life. Instead of asking if he's faking it, however, spin it so your question concerns how fulfilled he is by the sheet action you've been seeing. That way, you're giving him a chance to admit there may be room for improvement, (not to mention an opportunity for you to share your insecurity about his feelings) which are both issues you can work on together. It beats just handing him a dummy Oscar for his past performance, and demanding some kind of speech from him to justify it.
Giving him good head
What's the secret to giving and receiving great head? Here's what you can do for the man in your life, making sure it's good for you both.
For him:
- Keep it clean
Anyone who's gone down on an uncircumcised penis will tell you that there's nothing worse in this world than an unwashed dick. Smegma bacillus, or knob cheese, is a waxy white deposit naturally secreted by the penis glands. Failure to wash underneath the foreskin can lead to smelly bacterial growth, not to mention serious problems securing a blow job. Keep it clean using unperfumed soap and water. Also be sure to dry the head thoroughly afterwards to prevent bacteria from thriving. - Don't force the issue
So you're sharing an intimate moment. You're both turned on like the National Grid, and sex is on the cards. So guys, don't ruin the moment by placing your palm on the crown of her head and slowly pressing. If she feels comfortable going down there, she'll venture south on her own accord. As so many women have told us, there's nothing worse than a bloke who expects a blow job. - Be fair
If your partner does feel comfortable with oral sex, then consider returning the gesture - male or female. The more you share, the more rewarding it'll be for you both. - Praise the performance
Tempting as it is to lie back with your eyes squeezed tightly shut, your partner will appreciate some recognition for their efforts. Be encouraging. Be respectful. Be the one who leaves them feeling as good as you. - Leave them to call the shots
Just because your partner has consented to give you a blow job, don't assume it means they want to go all the way. It may be a dream come true for you, but not if it leaves them gagging or nauseous. So talk it through with them, even if it is a running commentary. If you're about to ejaculate then tell them, or at least signal that it's about to happen. Always let your partner decide whether to stay down there for the main event.
For you:
- Blow his mind
If you're happy to go down, don't lose sight of what's going on upstairs in his head. Frankly, you're tugging at his brains down there, so you need to pick up on every moan or groan he gives. The better you understand each other, however, the more comfortable you'll feel. - Take control
Many people gag at the idea of going down on a dick. Even if it's clean as a whistle, there's always the fear he'll forget himself, leaving you to deal with an out of control organ with no apparent off-switch. TheSite suggests you grip his penis head as you approach it, and hold it there in a ring formed by your thumb and forefinger. Once he's in, feel free to place your hands around the penis shaft. This gives you control, allowing you to determine how much you want to take into your mouth. - Use your mouth
What goes on when you're down there is entirely up to you. Some women use their mouth as if it were a hoover. Others employ their tongue to great effect. Many do a combination of both. Just be aware that there is no industry standard. Do whatever feels comfortable, and gives you both the greatest satisfaction. Kissing. Nibbling. Even humming a note with his head in your mouth. Whatever you do, he won't complain! - Take a breather
Giving head is not an endurance test. You are doing it to him, and not the other way round, so if you want to come up for air then do so. If anything, it'll give him time out to appreciate what you're doing. - Ball control
If the male penis is a motor, his balls are the gear shift. Gently cupping his testicles will widen the area of sexual pleasure for him, and can even intensify his orgasm. - Ultimate control!
Even if he's reached the moment of no return, never feel obliged to let him climax in your mouth. It's your decision, and is entirely determined by how comfortable you feel with it. If you want to swallow, that's fine. If you don't, that's fine too. If you'd rather take his penis out of your mouth then the same sentiment applies. Whether you choose to go down for a second or so, a minute or more, or all the way to the end, no blow job is ever incomplete. Nor is it a compulsory act, and he shouldn't think any less of you if you choose to keep your head held high!
G-Spotting
What is it, how does it work, and where the hell is it? TheSite goes in search of that most erogenous and elusive part of the female body.
G-what?
The G-Spot. A term devised in the middle of the last century by obstetrician and gynaecologist, Ernest Grafenburg. It's used to describe a highly sensitive area just inside the front wall of the vagina.
Great, what does it look like
That's the controversial bit, because many claim it doesn't exist. While it's true there is nothing physically to determine the G-Spot from the rest of the vaginal wall, many women report increased sexual pleasure when this area is stimulated, either by hand or during intercourse.
So how many women notice the difference?
Anyone's guess, really. One recent survey suggested only 10% of all women have anything resembling this secret erogenous zone, while US research claims more than half have made the discovery.
And what do they 'discover' exactly
Those women who claim to have found the G-Spot say they experienced orgasm when it was stimulated. Hitting the spot is commonly achieved by women on top, as it enables them to control and direct their male partner's penis.
Is the G-Spot the only erogenous zone?
Nope. Other popular areas include the nipples, earlobes and tongue, for men and women, basically because they're richly endowed with nerve endings and more responsive to touch. Ultimately, with a bit of exploring, good communication and mutual consent, you and your partner should be able to stimulate an erotic buzz from every bit of your body.
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