Sex and drugs

Powders, pills and sexy thrills have been the subject of more songs and urban legends than we can count. Putting some of the more romantic ideas to one side, here's TheSite.org's take on the real highs and lows of chemical lurve.

LSD/ Magic mushrooms

High: Some users report an increased sexual awareness while tripping.
Low: Trips are unpredictable. Hallucinating unpleasantly during sex could be traumatic, while a heavy dose may leave users totally turned off.

Cocaine

High: Cocaine is a stimulant drug. In small doses it can increase sexual arousal and make orgasms and erections easier.
Low: In larger amounts, cocaine can still fuel sexual desire, while decreasing the ability to actually perform properly. Problems achieving erection and orgasm are very common.

Amphetamines (speed)

High: The initial rush may lift the libido, but the feeling is unlikely to last.
Low: Male users may find the penis is less sensitive or responsive, and ejaculation difficult to achieve. As a result, sex can last a long time - which places both partners at risk of chafing (rubbed raw skin). Painfully funny on paper. Pure pain, in reality.

Cannabis

High: Users can feel less inhibited and unfriendly, while the increased sensory perception can turn stoners all touchy-feely.
Low: Blokes on dope risk a reduction in testosterone production, and a drop in sperm count, while females may experience some fertility problems due to changes in ovulation and menstrual cycles.

Ecstasy

High: An increased sense of warmth and empathy towards sexual partner. Some users feel they are more physically aroused, (although others report a loss of sensation and delayed orgasm).
Low: Increases the chances of risky sexual behaviour. A recent study showed users were more likely not to bother using condoms or other forms of contraception. Also, the drug-induced sense of loving everyone around you could mean you wind up sleeping with someone you don't really like at all.

Opiates

High: Drugs such as heroin, morphine and codeine belong to a drug group called opiates, which have a painkilling, detached effect. Codeine, in particular, is a feature in some strong over-the-counter painkilling products, so about the only appeal there, sex-wise, is that headaches won't wash as an excuse.
Low: Opiate misuse can lead to full time problems such as impotence, lowered libido and difficulty attaining orgasm.

Poppers (alkyl nitrites)

High: Some users take poppers during sex because they enjoy the brief, intense head rush and relaxant effect. Particularly popular among gay men.
Low: Alkyl nitrites reduce blood pressure. This means Viagra users should steer clear as the combination could be fatal.

The potential effect of a drug on sex is just one of many factors to consider before taking any substance. Knowledge is power, so get wise to the risks involved right.

Men and sex: top 10 worries

Yes, you heard right. Men worry about sex. Here are the 10 most common thoughts that get their y-fronts in a twist.

1. Will masturbation make me infertile?

There's a lot of myths around about masturbation, as no one really talks about such a private act. The fact is it won't make you blind or infertile, nor is it compulsory. Also, people do it whether or not they're in a relationship - including women. It's just a natural way to get in touch with your body and the pleasure you can get from it.

2. How do I find her clitoris?

The female clitoris is that highly sensitive, and highly sought after erectile sex organ. It's basically a fleshy bump, located at the top of the vaginal lips. Like the penis, the clitoris is packed with nerve endings and serves as the focus of stimulation for women, often resulting in orgasm. As for finding it, and handling it right, the best thing you can do is ask! If you're comfortable with your partner, and feel able to discuss such an intimate subject, then find out how she likes to be touched. With help, respect and experience, you'll soon find your way.

3. I'm too embarrassed to buy condoms

Using condoms means you're sussed about contraception. It means you understand and respect your sexual health and also your partner's. In this view, buying contraception really shouldn't be an issue. It certainly isn't for the person at the till. But if you really can't face it, alone or even with your partner, then condoms are available from vending machines installed in places like public toilets - where you can make the transaction in relative privacy.

4. She's more experienced than me

Your performance in the sack doesn't depend upon how many notches you've racked up on your bedpost. Nor does it matter that she's notched a few more than you. No matter how many times you or your partner have done it, what counts is the way you relate to each other - both physically and emotionally. If you're comfortable in her company, and feel able to communicate on an intimate basis, then sex should be rewarding for you both in equal measure.

5. My girlfriend wants sex and I'm not ready

Lads find it hard to admit they feel pressured into sex, fearing that it's somehow not macho. If you can be honest about your feelings, however, it shows an emotional maturity that your partner should respect.

6. She's not ready for sex

Sex is at its best when both of you feel comfortable with the idea of getting intimate. Rush into it, chances are you'll end up feeling insecure or disappointed. If you respect her, then let her know there's no pressure from you.

7. I can't admit to my mates that I'm still a virgin

Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a man, though a lot of lads lie about their sexual conquests in a bid to cover up their insecurities. Even if they are telling the truth, bragging about it doesn't show much respect for such an intimate act.

8. Can we have sex during her period?

Yes. Providing you're both comfortable with the idea, as there may be some menstrual bleeding, and you're sussed about safer sex. A woman isn't likely to get pregnant during her period, but there's always a chance- especially at the end of her menstrual cycle. What's more, unprotected sex increases the risk of exposure to sexually transmitted infections, period or not!

9. How can I tell if she's really had an orgasm?

Unless she's prepared to let you know, the truth is it's very difficult. Sure, you can look for little signs such as an increase in her breathing rate or a change in her body movement, but you'll never be sure if it's because she's having an orgasm or simply hoping that faking it will stop you looking so anxious! The only way to be sure is by talking about the issue with her. Find out what brings her to orgasm, and when, if at all. Ultimately, sexual communication is at the heart of any good orgasm -male or female -it's just a question of building up the trust and respect between you.

10. Surely size matters a little bit?

The size of a man's penis really doesn't have any bearing on his status as a lover. Women everywhere will vouch for the fact that a caring and considerate guy counts a whole lot more than a bloke with a big dick and no brains. So chuck away your ruler, and start measuring up as a skilled, sensitive and rewarding sexual partner.

Premature ejaculation

Coming too soon is a common problem for men but in many cases it doesn't, ahem, last long. Here are some coping strategies - however it's affecting you.

What is premature ejaculation?

Put simply, it's a term given to explain what happens during sex when a man 'comes' or 'climaxes' too quickly. Some experts interpret premature as meaning ejaculation within two minutes of penetration. Others define it within the context of a sexual relationship, when a persistently early finish causes problems between you and your partner.

What causes premature ejaculation?

Anxiety, stress and abstinence from sex can all play a part. It isn't uncommon for men to suffer from 'performance anxiety', especially at the start of a relationship when the desire to please is often at its greatest.

In most cases, learning to recognise and control the sensations in the penis will slow things down, and communicating with your partner about what is worrying you is also key. Once you've got your concerns out in the open, you can both set about putting them right. Which means one thing: practise!

Regaining control

• Prolonged foreplay: Foreplay with a ban on sex can help reduce anxiety and ultimately delay orgasm.
• Distraction: Mild cases of PE can often be solved by learning the art of distraction. This involves turning your mind to something else when you feel you are getting close to climax.
• The stop-start technique: An exercise practised during manual stimulation or sex, which basically involves slowing down or holding off just before ejaculation. This allows the level of arousal to subside, giving more pre-climax control.
• The Masters-Johnson method: A 'penis-grip' technique developed by therapists of the same names. By learning a special finger grip that stops the urge to climax, it's often possible to re-train a man to last much longer. It's possible to master the technique with a willing partner but it's best if you both learn it properly with a trained doctor, psychotherapist or counsellor.

Other ways to delay premature ejaculation:

So, you've talked about the problem and no amount of practise seems to be making any difference. Don't panic - there are still options:

• Sex after ejaculation: Having ejaculated once, either by masturbation or during sex, men generally take longer to achieve arousal and climax again.
• Thicker condoms: Can reduce the intensity of arousal leading up to climax.
• Psychosexual counselling: If PE continues to be a problem, talking things through with a counsellor could help. Find someone suitable through Relate or the British Association for Sex and Relationship Therapy (BASRT).
• Lessen your expectations: Many men buy into the sex myth that they should be in control. This can lead to a great deal of anxiety, which is linked to premature ejaculation. Recognising that both partners play an equal part will take the focus off the need to 'perform' and help you to relax.

Does my dick look big in this?

Bigger! Better! Longer-lasting! Everyone should know that size doesn't matter, but that doesn't stop the whole male race wondering what they can do to make their fella look bigger.

Let's leave the question of why you feel the need to boost your manhood until last, because that's not what you want to hear right now. Instead check out some of the illusions and products you can draw upon to make yourself feel better:

Trim your pubic hair

Cutting down your pubic bush, or shaving it completely, will reveal more of your genitals. All that foliage you've got going on could be hiding a vital inch! Check your weight - men with beer bellies or who are generally overweight often lose sight of their penises completely. The more fatty tissue you're packing around the abdomen and thighs, the more likely it is that your tackle will seem to shrink. It's an optical illusion, but a sensible weight reduction program could see your penis come out to play in a big way.

Avoid facing mirrors

When it comes to measuring up their manhood, most guys think they're packing less than they actually are. Looking down at your dick will lose you some length, so if you really want to appreciate the full nine yards, turn sideways and stand proud.

Vacuum Devices

These have been around since the beginning of last century, and can be effective in treating impotence. Sadly, many manufacturers have cottoned on to the fact that they can flog them in greater quantities by marketing them as 'extenders.' Either way, you slip your old fella into a sealed plastic flask and then pump out the air using a hand-held suction pump. The subsequent vacuum created inside makes your penis engorge with blood and swell into an erection. A special rubber ring is then attached around the penis base to trap the blood. After that the flask is removed and hey presto - you're left with a boner to make your back arch!

Cock rings

Can often be used in conjunction with a vacuum pump, or as a means to keep your soldier standing to attention for longer than you could otherwise manage. These constricting rings boost erections by trapping the blood where it matters most. Slip it on behind the testicles for 20 minutes max. Experts warn that wearing any cock ring for longer periods increases the risk of blocked arteries and tissue damage. Ouch.

'Developer' creams and sprays

There are many types of creams, sprays and balsams that work by dilating blood vessels when absorbed into the penis. This increases blood flow, which allegedly leaves you hung like a racehorse. Other creams work by increasing penis sensitivity, and many users claim this can increase sexual pleasure.

Boost your self-confidence

The bit you didn't want to hear, but which is certainly the only way you're going to get a longer-lasting sense of pride in your penis. Why? Because the size of your knob bears no relation to sexual satisfaction. Being a sensitive, considerate lover is more likely to make your partner's eyes water, so relax, man. Relax.

When he's crap in bed

Fumbling, slobbering, or downright selfish? Come on girls, if he's not much cop in the sack, we have the power to rebuild him.

It's a tricky subject to broach, but if your sex life goes with a whimper rather than a bang then you have to do something about it.

The other options are suffering in silence followed by an explosion of resentment, or dumping them and leaving the good bits of your current relationship behind along with the bad stuff. If your *ahem* 'physical needs' aren't even close to being met, there's sometimes an overpowering temptation to be unfaithful too.

So, to prevent future heartache all round it's better to do something about it sooner rather than later. You can 'retrain' him (mainly non-verbal) or you can talk it out.

Retraining

The essence of this little project is to reward good behaviour. Even if he's the worst fumbler in the world he'll hit on a few of the right spots eventually, just as a random event. A truly inept lover will then bumble on to do something else that's less enjoyable, so stop him when you've got him where you want.

Breathe heavily, sigh lustily, and groan loudly with passion. You won't have to exaggerate forever, he'll soon learn what you like and will think he's a right stud, without being made to feel like he's been given orders from miss bossyboots. If he really doesn't know what he's doing, buy a really good quality sex manual 'to read together' and make sure you always leave it round at his place.

You want to be touched in a particular place or way, but are sick of asking/ explaining? Just gently guide his hands to where you want them. You want oral sex but he's a bit backwards in coming forwards? Get into bed upside down. You get the idea.

Talking it out

Suppose there's something that you know you really like, but it doesn't happen often enough. Prompt him into action with a choice comment such as: "Do you remember when we went to that restaurant/did it on the beach/wrestled covered in baby oil? That was such a BIG turn on..." Any fella with a bit of common sense will be waving bruschetta/holiday brochures/Dr Johnson's finest at you soon enough.

There's also the one-for-you and one-for-me ploy, which is great for when you'd like to try something new. Whisper in their ear that you'd like to know about their fantasies, and make sure you tell them all about yours. The downside of this one is that when they finally get round to buying those satin sheets you love the look of, they'll be ruined by the chocolate sauce he fancies. Or is that just stuff that happens at TheSite Towers?

Changing his bad ways

Anyway, on to the final bit of problem solving. Easily the toughest problem to tackle is dealing with a bloke who keeps doing things that really turn you off, rather than forgetting to do things to turn you on. You really have to talk to him about it, but pick the right moment. Don't say it just before or during sex, as this will only put him on the defensive.

Say what you didn't like, and give him a chance to talk about things he doesn't like too. Find a compromise wherever possible, and move the conversation on to something positive that you both like and can look forward to ("You know, I really didn't like it the other night when you started talking about your throbbing pork sword/called me a whore/wiped your dick on the curtains afterwards - can we do something else instead?")

If he doesn't get the message then he's a moron, and it's perfectly OK to dump him, you have TheSite.org's permission.

Give the boy a hand

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Clitoris confidence

Swot up on what it is, where it is, and - most importantly - what to do when you find it. A guide for guys - and girls.

What is it?

The female clitoris is that highly sensitive, and much sought after erectile sex organ. Like the penis, the clitoris is packed with nerve endings and serves as the focus of stimulation for women, often resulting in orgasm.

Where is it

Located at the top of the vaginal lips, and surrounded by the folds of the labia, the clitoris is that small, pea-shaped bump - though size and shape may vary. A fleshy hood protects the clitoris, and this retracts when the woman is sexually aroused.

How does it work?

What you can feel (whether it's yours or your partner's) is effectively the head of the clitoris. This connects to a system of erectile tissue that has a big influence on the female genitals. When sexually aroused, it fills with blood and becomes much more sensitive - in a similar way to the male penis.

How should I handle it?

The clitoris is very sensitive. It can respond to being touched, rubbed, licked, sucked, or through pressure from a vibrator or penis during intercourse. For some women, it can be so sensitive that direct stimulation is just too painful. We're all turned on in different ways, after all, so if you're unsure what floats her boat then ask! If you're comfortable with your partner, and feel able to discuss such an intimate subject, she can only respect you for finding out how she likes to be handled. With help, respect and experience, you'll soon find your way.

Real life sex

Sex always looks mind-blowing in the movies, but does it really matter if your bedroom reality is totally different?

If, like many people, you got most of your sex education from porn sites or the cinema, you might be wondering why your real love life doesn't match up.

But don't start feeling bitterly disappointed, or tell your partner that they're rubbish because they don't know how to 'do it' properly. To put it bluntly, you might be having a problem telling the difference between red light and real life.

Porn v reality

Let's start with the storylines for fictional sex. Porn movies are happy to show you horny housewives dragging any old plumber, milkman or pizza delivery boy straight in off the doorstep for a mind-blowing shag. In everyday life, women just don't do stuff like that, in case the complete stranger is some dangerous psycho or (more likely) plug-ugly, pimply, and inexperienced.

Bodies are another thing. Your average male has a lardy catering-pack rather than a six-pack on his belly, and doesn't tend to be covered in fake tan and baby oil when he whips his kit off. Real women tend to be OK about this. And as for those fourteen inch erections, let me whisper this, some of them are fakes so don't worry too much guys. Oh, and a woman's nipples are not supposed to point directly upwards at the ceiling like missiles if she's lying on her back. Naturally curvy females have cellulite too, and it isn't some rare disease.

Cinema sex is always so nicely choreographed. Never any embarrassing fumbling, tripping over half-removed knickers, squelching noises, knobs slipping out unexpectedly, fits of giggles, or fanny farts. Or people saying: "Oops! Sorry!" or: "Up a bit, left a bit". The script just goes off into this 'perfect' sequence, with telepathic partners who both know exactly what to do, and when to do it. In reality, if you don't communicate, your love life tends to go down the pan very fast.

Pass the sick-bucket

Safer sex? Even asking if she's on the pill? Nope, they just get straight down to getting jiggy. Mr Porn Star can bang away for hours at a time, and Ms Porn Star reaches a climax after zero foreplay and a mere sixty seconds of pushing and shoving, and she screams a lot. Not bad for two people who only met for the first time five minutes earlier.

Romantic movies are even worse, and always seem to show the beautiful couple having simultaneous orgasms, gazing tenderly into each other's eyes. Aaah, how sweet. Pass the bucket. When it comes to love and sex this situation is as rare as rocking horse poo, but who hasn't worried about their timing being less than perfect?

So don't worry if the fact doesn't match up to the glossy fantasy. Relax, write your own script.

Sex: caught at it

Oh no, they've seen you now. And you have to hide the blushes on all four of your cheeks.

You wanted privacy

There is nothing worse than going away somewhere private for a bit of a romp with your beloved, then having someone walk in on you while you're in the middle of the act. Whether it's a nosy drunken flatmate, a hotel chambermaid, or the window cleaner, they were definitely not invited to the private show. Check that your partner is not too upset afterwards, remember they may be even more embarrassed than you.

Firstly, a little prevention is worth 10 clean-up operations. Make sure the door is properly locked, draw those curtains, or be damned sure the 'do not disturb' sign is clearly displayed. Secondly, if they already know that they should knock before opening the door, feel free to tell them to get out in no uncertain terms. If it was an honest mistake, cover your modesty as best you can and ask them politely to come back later, on account of how you're erm, a bit busy.

You may need to set ground rules with housemates or landladies about walking into rooms unannounced. If you're living with your parents but are old enough to move out or be paying them rent then the same thing applies, just approach the subject with some delicacy, and make sure you are being treated as an adult, not a naughty child. Failing that, fit a big old lock on the door.

You were up to no good

If you have crossed some moral boundaries, be prepared for the consequences. Breaking taboos can often be exciting and thrilling, but people can get hurt both physically and emotionally. If you have been sleeping with someone much older or younger than yourself, someone who is in a relationship with another person, or a relative or best friend of your current partner, watch out.

In addition to being embarrassed by getting caught with your pants down, you run the risk of a confrontation with an angry parent, husband, or girlfriend. It could get violent. You could get arrested, be responsible for a family splitting up, or get named in divorce proceedings.

You were in public

Oh that old fantasy, sex in a public or semi-public place. In the library, on the beach, in a cornfield, down a leafy lane, or the back of a taxi on the way home, or wherever else you fancy. The thrill of almost getting caught adds a naughty tingle of excitement to proceedings, but being completely laid bare (sorry) in public is not what most people are after, unless they are hardcore exhibitionists with good legal aid.

You can be charged with a number of offences from indecent exposure to outraging public decency, being drunk and disorderly, or obstructing a public right of way. If you do get arrested, at least try to look sheepish and be very polite to the police officer, they can throw the book at you if they so wish. Cross your fingers and hope they will put it down to youthful stupidity. Then go home and laugh.

You may find yourself with an unexpected audience, or even get a round of applause as you return from the back of the restaurant grinning and readjusting your clothing. In which case laugh it off, take a bow, and make a sharp exit. Or look at your partner longingly and announce to the room: "well you would, wouldn't you? I'm only human..."

High performance penis

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am! There are ways to perk your little fella up for a little bit longer.

Banish alcohol

Get drunk before sex and your performance will suffer. Why? Because alcohol is a depressant drug, and this can affect your libido and erection potential. What's more, heavy long-term use of alcohol is strongly associated with impotence (the inability to achieve a satisfactory erection).

Quit smoking

An unhealthy nicotine habit increases your 'wood problem potential' by around 50% because it damages those all-important blood vessels. More immediately, sucking on a ciggie actually causes the penile tissue to contract, which suggests that you can't be a smoker and also be a stud. That smoking also compromises your sperm quality and quantity should help you make the smart choice.

Slip on a cock ring

A constricting device that traps the blood where it matters most. This might boost your erection potential, just be aware that you run the risk of seriously wounding your soldier if you keep it on for longer than 20 minutes.

Keep up your supplements

Yes, complementary medicine might make you a better lover! Check out some of the playboy properties in the following pills and potions:

• Yohimbe: an extract from the bark of an African tree, believed to enhance performance and virility.
• Schisandra: pump up your potency with this berry extract.
• Siberian ginseng: for that stamina boost you so desperately need.
• Bilberry and ginkgo biloba: to guarantee a good blood supply to all your vital extremities.

'Developer' sprays

These aim to dilate vessels when absorbed into the penis, theoretically making room for more blood.

Sex and self-esteem

Having low self-esteem can have a strong effect upon your personal relationships, especially when it comes to sex. The good news is, you can get over it.

Have you ever:

• Had sex with someone because you thought they'd accuse you of being frigid or scared if you didn't?
• Thought that having sex with someone would mean they'd like you more?
• Had sex so you'd appear more popular, desirable, or cooler to your friends?
• Stayed in a relationship with someone who didn't treat you right because you thought you couldn't do any better, or were scared of being alone?

If you've answered yes to any of the above, it's likely that you're suffering from low self-esteem. Perhaps you don't have the confidence to say exactly what you feel for fear of how you'll come across.

So what is high self-esteem?

To put it simply, it means liking yourself. This doesn't mean you have be ultra-confident and cocky, but if you have a good opinion of you, you don't need reassurance from others. Youth and Relate counsellor Paula Hall says: "The key to good self-esteem is positive affirmation - telling yourself things that make you feel good about yourself, like 'I'm attractive' or 'I'm in charge of my life'."

Low self-esteem can be caused by many different factors. You might be lonely, or feeling unattractive or maybe you're being bullied. And if you don't feel confident, it means you can't say no and the vicious circle begins. You end up making bad decisions because you don't feel good about yourself. That's why you might have sex when you don't really want to: you want to be liked but, as you probably know already, that's not the best reason to have sex.

If other people know you have low self-esteem, you are also more prone to being pushed into doing things you don't want to do (drugs, sex, smoking) or being bullied. In extreme cases, having low self-esteem makes you more vulnerable to abusive relationships. The majority of victims are girls whose lack of confidence attracts these controlling boyfriends. In these relationships, many girls lose their confidence and are unable to assert their views, for example, if he won't wear a condom. If you're confident, it means you can say 'no condom, no sex!' If you're nervous, you won't be able to say boo to a goose, never mind no to your partner.

Take action

First of all, think about why you don't feel good. If you're conscious of your appearance, the key is to stop comparing yourself to the models in magazines or the prettiest girl/best-looking guy at school. Everyone is unique and we can't all be Kylies and Brads.

If you're feeling lonely, it's time to build on the friendships you have - you might even find that you're not alone in the way you feel. Having a strong family or friends network can do wonders for your well being and will also stop you feeling depressed.

When it comes to sex, you have to look out for number one. As Paula Hall says: 'Put your self-interest first. If someone is putting pressure on you to do something you're uncomfortable with, then try to get out of that situation immediately. For example, say you feel ill, or that you need to get home, or just say you're not ready. Once you're away from that scenario, you can think about what you want for yourself in this relationship. And if your boyfriend or girlfriend won't listen to and respect your feelings then it's time to say goodbye. Remember, you're a valuable human being and your body is for your pleasure.'

So next time you're in a difficult situation, take a step back and tell yourself you deserve better and that no-one has the right to tell you what to do, especially with something as personal as sex. It is your body and you're in charge of it.

Did he enjoy it?

If you have to ask, then you're not entirely convinced, which means one thing: tackling the 'talk'.

The lowdown

Popular belief has it that if a man is breathing during sex then he must be having a good time. And if he ejaculates, then he must have had an "excellent" time, right?

The inside view

The fact is, men are able to fake certain aspects of lovemaking just as women can - from grunting and moaning, even ejaculating if he's sufficiently stimulated - the mechanics are reasonably easy to muster. But then it isn't always a reflection of how turned on he feels in his mind.

The embarrassing bit

So there you are, lying there in bed together swapping comments on how wonderful that was. He's ticked all the right boxes by a) smoking a cigarette b) ordering pizza c) snoring, but somehow you're not so sure this is a genuine post-sex moment. There's only one way to find out, however, and that's by asking.

The trick is in timing it right

It's down to you to judge the moment, but interrogating him after he's just rolled off you may not earn an honest answer - he's likely to be embarrassed and defensive, which is a recipe for a row. Sometimes it's better to pick a moment when you're alone together and feeling chilled, then just steer the conversation to the subject of your love life. Instead of asking if he's faking it, however, spin it so your question concerns how fulfilled he is by the sheet action you've been seeing. That way, you're giving him a chance to admit there may be room for improvement, (not to mention an opportunity for you to share your insecurity about his feelings) which are both issues you can work on together. It beats just handing him a dummy Oscar for his past performance, and demanding some kind of speech from him to justify it.

Giving him good head

What's the secret to giving and receiving great head? Here's what you can do for the man in your life, making sure it's good for you both.

For him:

• Keep it clean
  Anyone who's gone down on an uncircumcised penis will tell you that there's nothing worse in this world than an unwashed dick. Smegma bacillus, or knob cheese, is a waxy white deposit naturally secreted by the penis glands. Failure to wash underneath the foreskin can lead to smelly bacterial growth, not to mention serious problems securing a blow job. Keep it clean using unperfumed soap and water. Also be sure to dry the head thoroughly afterwards to prevent bacteria from thriving.
• Don't force the issue
  So you're sharing an intimate moment. You're both turned on like the National Grid, and sex is on the cards. So guys, don't ruin the moment by placing your palm on the crown of her head and slowly pressing. If she feels comfortable going down there, she'll venture south on her own accord. As so many women have told us, there's nothing worse than a bloke who expects a blow job.
• Be fair
  If your partner does feel comfortable with oral sex, then consider returning the gesture - male or female. The more you share, the more rewarding it'll be for you both.
• Praise the performance
  Tempting as it is to lie back with your eyes squeezed tightly shut, your partner will appreciate some recognition for their efforts. Be encouraging. Be respectful. Be the one who leaves them feeling as good as you.
• Leave them to call the shots
  Just because your partner has consented to give you a blow job, don't assume it means they want to go all the way. It may be a dream come true for you, but not if it leaves them gagging or nauseous. So talk it through with them, even if it is a running commentary. If you're about to ejaculate then tell them, or at least signal that it's about to happen. Always let your partner decide whether to stay down there for the main event.

For you:

• Blow his mind
  If you're happy to go down, don't lose sight of what's going on upstairs in his head. Frankly, you're tugging at his brains down there, so you need to pick up on every moan or groan he gives. The better you understand each other, however, the more comfortable you'll feel.
• Take control
  Many people gag at the idea of going down on a dick. Even if it's clean as a whistle, there's always the fear he'll forget himself, leaving you to deal with an out of control organ with no apparent off-switch. TheSite suggests you grip his penis head as you approach it, and hold it there in a ring formed by your thumb and forefinger. Once he's in, feel free to place your hands around the penis shaft. This gives you control, allowing you to determine how much you want to take into your mouth.
• Use your mouth
  What goes on when you're down there is entirely up to you. Some women use their mouth as if it were a hoover. Others employ their tongue to great effect. Many do a combination of both. Just be aware that there is no industry standard. Do whatever feels comfortable, and gives you both the greatest satisfaction. Kissing. Nibbling. Even humming a note with his head in your mouth. Whatever you do, he won't complain!
• Take a breather
  Giving head is not an endurance test. You are doing it to him, and not the other way round, so if you want to come up for air then do so. If anything, it'll give him time out to appreciate what you're doing.
• Ball control
  If the male penis is a motor, his balls are the gear shift. Gently cupping his testicles will widen the area of sexual pleasure for him, and can even intensify his orgasm.
• Ultimate control!
  Even if he's reached the moment of no return, never feel obliged to let him climax in your mouth. It's your decision, and is entirely determined by how comfortable you feel with it. If you want to swallow, that's fine. If you don't, that's fine too. If you'd rather take his penis out of your mouth then the same sentiment applies. Whether you choose to go down for a second or so, a minute or more, or all the way to the end, no blow job is ever incomplete. Nor is it a compulsory act, and he shouldn't think any less of you if you choose to keep your head held high!

G-Spotting

What is it, how does it work, and where the hell is it? TheSite goes in search of that most erogenous and elusive part of the female body.

G-what?

The G-Spot. A term devised in the middle of the last century by obstetrician and gynaecologist, Ernest Grafenburg. It's used to describe a highly sensitive area just inside the front wall of the vagina.

Great, what does it look like

That's the controversial bit, because many claim it doesn't exist. While it's true there is nothing physically to determine the G-Spot from the rest of the vaginal wall, many women report increased sexual pleasure when this area is stimulated, either by hand or during intercourse.

So how many women notice the difference?

Anyone's guess, really. One recent survey suggested only 10% of all women have anything resembling this secret erogenous zone, while US research claims more than half have made the discovery.

And what do they 'discover' exactly

Those women who claim to have found the G-Spot say they experienced orgasm when it was stimulated. Hitting the spot is commonly achieved by women on top, as it enables them to control and direct their male partner's penis.

Is the G-Spot the only erogenous zone?

Nope. Other popular areas include the nipples, earlobes and tongue, for men and women, basically because they're richly endowed with nerve endings and more responsive to touch. Ultimately, with a bit of exploring, good communication and mutual consent, you and your partner should be able to stimulate an erotic buzz from every bit of your body.

Post sex etiquette

What do you do when sex is over? Cuddle up together or roll over and go to sleep? If you know that you need to brush up on your post sex etiquette, read on.

The 'silence of the lads' can leave many women feeling understandably insecure. After sharing such an intimate experience, it's only natural that you want to maintain that closeness through talking, kissing and cuddling. So why do so many guys hit orgasm and then a) roll over b) feign death c) smoke a cigarette or d) order pizza?

One reason why

One explanation lies with the biological changes that a guy goes through after orgasm. Unlike you, he cools off very quickly. His arousal level drops sharply and his heart rate takes a tumble. This is known as the refractory period, something women don't go through in the same way, because women are sometimes able to experience multiple orgasms with very little time to recover in between.

68% of you who responded to our Saucy Survey said manners shouldn't be forgotten in the bedroom while 32% think it's fine to let everything out.

So that accounts for his dramatic switch from stud to slug, but there's no excuse for being thoughtless. If you're feeling a little shut out then you need to let him know, and find a way to connect after sex that's rewarding for you both.

Easing the situation

Just don't raise the subject seconds after he's hit the spot and then the pillow. Talk about it when you're not in bed, at a time when he can discuss the issue without feeling guilty or embarrassed.

Shake up your routine if possible, and avoid only having sex last thing at night. Set your alarm clock a few minutes earlier, and see if this makes a difference.

Impotence

Also known as erectile dysfunction, here are some of the reasons why a man's playmate goes soft.

What is impotence?

A term used to describe the inability some men experience in achieving or maintaining a full erection. It's estimated that 1 in 10 British men suffer from impotence, or erectile dysfunction, at some stage in their lives. This can mean men who are unable to get an erection at all, to those who find their erections aren't firm enough to achieve satisfactory sexual intercourse.

So what goes wrong when things are supposed to get sexy?

• Basically, the brain stimulates the release of a chemical in the penis called cyclic GMP.
  
• This causes the muscles in the erectile tissue of the penis to relax and the arteries to expand, allowing more blood to flow in.
  
• In a fully-functioning erection, the expansion of the erectile tissue also squeezes shut the veins that normally drain the blood away. This effectively 'traps' the blood inside the penis, and stiffens it up.
  
• Impotence problems occur when the erectile tissue fails to expand enough for the veins to be squeezed shut. As a result, blood flows into the penis as well as out, and things begin to wilt.

What are the causes of impotence?

There are numerous different causes of impotence. In young, healthy men, difficulty gaining or sustaining an erection is most often associated with psychological factors, but there is sometimes a physical cause. Sometimes it's a mixture of the two.

• Psychological: Performance anxiety, relationship problems, depression, stress, fatigue, loss of interest in sex.
  
• Physical: Diabetes, vascular disease, spinal cord injury, surgery, some prescription medicines, smoking, drinking, drug abuse, hormonal imbalance, epilepsy, multiple sclerosis.

Regaining control

For many impotence sufferers, no obvious cause is evident. Even so, 95% of all cases are successfully remedied. Here are some of the most common treatments:

• Talk to your partner - Impotence won't go away unless you face up to it. If you're in an ongoing sexual relationship, then being open and honest with your partner can help identify any anxieties that might be causing the problem.
• Psychosexual counselling - Relationship counsellors can help explore any link between impotence in men and problems in their relationship. Psychosexual therapy helps couples address the situation and gradually achieve better results.
• Lifestyle changes - Cutting out alcohol, tobacco and recreational drugs can lead to significant improvements.
• Medication - Prescription drugs are available that mimic the natural changes of the blood supply during an erection. These are administered in different ways:
  Pill form - Viagra has received a lot of media coverage recently because it is the first impotence treatment to be taken orally. The effects are not immediate, so users are advised to take the pill one hour before sex. Hormonal treatments are also available, but first consult your GP.
  Pellet form - A medication inserted into the tip of the penis, using a special applicator. Using this method, the resulting erection can last up to an hour.
  Self-injection - Involves using a special hypodermic needle to self-inject medication into the base of the penis. While it is a relatively painless treatment, with instant results, the erection does not subside following ejaculation. The effects of the drug can last between 1 and 4 hours.
• Vacuum therapy - A cylindrical device that is fitted over the penis, and from which air is then pumped out to create a vacuum. This makes the penis engorge with blood and produces an erection. To keep it up after the device has been removed, a special clip is then inserted around the base.

Women and sex: top 10 worries

Everyone worries about sex. Are you doing it right? What if your body's not supermodel-standard? Why doesn't sex feel as good as it should? We go under the covers to try and solve the top ten sex worries for women.

1. What if he doesn't like my body?

With often unattainable superbods gracing mags and media, body image has a lot to answer for and can affect your ability to enjoy sex. What's important to remember is that whatever your body shape is, your partner will be more bothered about whether you're having a good time than about your allegedly wobbly thighs or skinny arms. He's probably not perfect either but if you both relax, the sex will follow suit.

2. I'm worried about getting pregnant

Getting pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) are two common fears, but by using a condom your chances of either are greatly reduced. The male condom is 98% effective (when used properly). Remember to check the condom after you've had sex - if you think it has split, you may need to take the emergency contraceptive pill. Advice is also available from the Family Planning Association, Brook, or your GP (doctor).

3. I can't orgasm during sex

Sex and relationship psychologist, Dr Petra Boynton, points out that 80% of women don't orgasm through (penetrative) sex. But as films often show women coming after a few minutes of thrusting, it's easy to see why it looks like the norm. What can work is stimulation of the clitoris, so experiment by masturbating on your own then touching (and asking him to touch) your clitoris during sex. Top tip from Dr Boynton is to go on top if you want to increase your chances of having an orgasm during sex.

4. Isn't sex supposed to be amazing?

Sex is about a lot more than just penetration, so if that's all you're doing, it might not feel as 'amazing' as you expected it to. Having sex is also about kissing, touching, stroking, talking, and lots of clitoral stimulation. If your partner stops doing these things after a few minutes or isn't particularly skilled, show him what you like (which he will probably find a turn-on in itself). As Dr Boynton says, don't think of 'foreplay' and 'sex' as two separate things - they're part and parcel of the same act.

5. I'm not sure I'm ready

It's normal to feel a bit unsure about having sex, and if you're having doubts but feel like you should do it to keep him happy, it's definitely not the right time. In fact, if he's actually pressuring you, he's not ready either. Respecting your wishes and understanding your feelings also shows he cares, as well as displaying that all-important emotional maturity. When you feel ready, tell him and eliminate any potential pregnancy/STI worries by using a condom.

6. I think my vagina looks weird and flappy

Err, how many vaginas have you seen up close and personal? Being a body part that's not usually on display, it's easy to think yours is odd-looking, has a funny smell, wiry pubic hair or vaginal lips (labia) that are 'too long' or a 'strange' colour. Vaginas, likes people, come in all shapes and sizes. Lips can be big, or small. Some are hairy, others aren't. Lads who've watched porn will have seen women with shaven vaginas and small labia, but, that doesn't mean they want you to look like a porn star. Some men are actually turned off by the 'plucked chicken' look.

7. Sex sometimes hurts

There are a few reasons why it might be more 'ouch' than 'ohhh'. It could be nerves, or if you're new to sex (or it's been a while), you might not be used to it. Mainly, it could be down to a lack of foreplay and lubrication. A lubricant helps, but the key to keeping things juicy is foreplay - so lots of kissing, touching and clitoral stimulation during sex should do the trick. If sex continues to hurt, you may want to see your GP.

8. I fancy a girl - am I a lesbian?

It's common to find another woman attractive and it doesn't always mean you're gay/lesbian. Dr Petra Boynton points out you might be attracted to that particular person, to both guys and girls (bi-sexual), or it could be just girls. For some women, it can be part of a fantasy involving a particular girl or women, but you might feel it's something more serious and want to start a relationship. It's normal to have these feelings, whether you're gay, bi or heterosexual, so don't rush to stick a label on yourself.

9. Is it wrong to masturbate?

Absolutely not. It's not harmful and it's not wrong - if truth be told, it's the best way to find out what gets you going under the sheets! If you've never masturbated, start by exploring your vagina - in particular the clitoris - and you'll discover what makes you feel good. Dr Boynton notes how some girls feel they shouldn't masturbate when they're in a relationship (either alone or in front of their partner), but masturbation is actually a brilliant sex aid, so go for it.

10. I'm worried he won't want to use a condom

If you think the man should take the lead in sex, it's easy to think he calls the shots in general. Dr Boynton recommends introducing condoms in a positive way, for example: "I want to relax and not worry about getting pregnant so let's use one." If he doesn't like the sound of that, it says everything about his sexual maturity and experience (or lack of it) and has nothing to do with you being 'frigid'.

Faking it

You know who you are. Next time you go to yell: "Yes, yes, yes," stop and think about how to actually get the real thing.

Be honest, girls

If he just isn't pushing the right buttons, faking it gives him the false impression that he's doing everything right. Pretending you're having the night of your life 'trains' him to keep on doing stuff that just isn't turning you on. If he wants to make you feel good then that's fantastic, so don't be scared to show him what you like or ask out loud for what you really want. Most men will appreciate advice on what hits your spot anyway.

Get realistic, guys

Even with the most skilled lover, the majority of women do not climax every time they have sex. It's not usually anything to worry about, everyone gets tired, nervous or stressed now and again, and drugs or alcohol can have a numbing effect. Your girlfriend doesn't have to orgasm every time to enjoy sex - open up communication and encourage her to tell you what she does and doesn't enjoy. And remember that everyone is different - just because a past lover got off when you sucked her toes, it doesn't mean this one will.

Men fake it too

Yes ladies, that's right, you don't have a monopoly in the faking stakes. They do it because they're drunk and desensitised, nervous or stressed, or to cover up for losing an erection. They worry that women will get paranoid and upset if the man can't orgasm, assuming that he doesn't find them attractive, or is being unfaithful.

Was it real?

If you think your partner's faking it, check out the physical signs that happen when our bodies are in the throes of passion. Just bear in mind that every orgasm is unique and everyone expresses their sexuality differently. If you're after some kind of reassurance then go ahead and talk about it, just be aware that post-sex peace of mind comes from intimacy and trust.

Physical signs to tell if a woman really reached her peak:

• Stage one: The inner two thirds of her vagina swells and becomes darker during arousal, and her clitoris becomes more erect.
  
• Stage two: Her nipples become erect, breasts more sensitive to touch.
  
• Stage three: Her body demands more oxygen as she becomes aroused, which means her breathing rate quickens.
  
• Stage four: Blood pressure rises as her climax approaches. Watch out for a pinking in the cheeks, neck and chest.
  
• Stage five: The orgasm itself is marked by rhythmic muscle contractions in the outer third of the vagina and also the anus. The first few contractions are the strongest, and kick in every few seconds.

And the guys

• Stage one: Male arousal can kick in through physical or mental stimulation - from a snog, to a saucy video, a ride on the bus or idle thoughts. In fact, pretty much anything. Physically, look for an increased heart rate, hardening of the nipples, the beginning of an erection, swelling testicles and the same 'sex flush' found in women (chest, neck, cheeks);
• Stage two: Known as 'the plateau' stage, this is where a guy can either calm down and carry on with whatever he was doing, or he can go the distance. At this point, his scrotum is pulled up tight against his body and his erection is up to speed. Lubricating droplets of pre-ejaculatory fluid (or precum) may appear from the tip of his penis (this can contain sperm/sti's, however, so be sure to roll on that condom before this stage);
• Stage three: Ejaculation. His breathing quickens, the moment of ejaculation seems unstoppable, yes, yes, which is when the pelvic muscles begin to contract, the testicles tighten even more, oh God, and semen shoots out of the penis. Ahhh. Male orgasm and ejaculation are closely linked, but one does not always happen with the other;
• Stage four: Pizza, cigarette, sleep or death. Post ejaculation, the male body returns to an unaroused state comparatively quickly (light years compared to women). The penis softens within minutes, and breathing/heart rate returns to normal. If he's expected to perform again you may have to wait a while - this is known as the refractory period, and can last anything between minutes and hours.

Embarrassing bodily functions

There's nothing quite like a loud 'parp' or an involuntary squeal for killing that sexy moment, but with the right attitude, they needn't shoot it dead altogether.

Fanny farts (frump/queef)

All women do it at some time, usually at the most inappropriate times. Fanny farts are not the same as your usual fart, they are made up of air and not stinky gas (as no gas is produced 'down there'), and they're released from the vagina, not the bottom. During sex, air in the vagina gets compressed and is then forced out at high pressure (often following the removal of the penis/dildo etc). While they might not stink like normal farts, they do make the funniest, loudest, kill-the-moment noises ever.

Best way to deal with it: Laugh it off - together.

Loud orgasms

The question is how loud is too loud? There's no straightforward answer, as this often depends on where you are, who you're with and whether you care what anyone else thinks. Screaming, "Fuck me harder big boy" when you know his parents are in the next room is probably a little loud, while a 'When Harry met Sally' extravaganza in the comfort of your own pad should be OK.

Best way to deal with it: Being vocal during sex is not a bad thing; if anything it shows you're comfortable with your partner, and you'll probably have better sex as a result. However, a new partner may be terrified if your outbursts are dirtier than the tame 'yes, yes, yes', while screaming your ex's name at climax is a dumpable offence. If you find your partner's flatmates sniggering when you go down to the kitchen the next morning, you may want to think before you scream, and bite your lip instead.

Sex makes me want to wee

No this isn't something for incontinent OAPs, it's a common problem for girls for several reasons:

• Fear: that we'll lose control when we orgasm and piss all over our lover causing them to run away screaming. Even if you don't actually need a piss, somehow you think you do.
• Pressure on the bladder: Some sexual positions put more pressure on the bladder than others and can make you feel like you need to piss even if you don't.
• You really do need a piss: Often our thrustings and fumblings happen after the pub/club meaning there are several pints of alcohol swimming through your system as you start to get jiggy.

Best way to deal with it: Removing the fear of giving an uninvited golden shower is easily done - go to the loo before you have sex (especially as sex on a full bladder is one cause of cystitis. In truth, you're probably in better control of your bodily functions than you think, and actually weeing on your partner (without wanting to) is unlikely to happen. If you are really worried you could also try training up your PC muscle.

Giving her good head

The days of one-sided lovin' are over. With TheSite.org's secrets to giving and receiving great head, you can both enjoy it when they 'go down'.

For her:

• Relax
  If you spend lots of time giving him oral sex, it's only fair that he should do something pleasant for you too. It's your turn to be spoiled, so just relax and enjoy it.
  
• Keep it clean
  By clean, we mean having a daily shower and using unperfumed mild soap. A healthy vagina has a natural mild musky smell, but don't let pathetic playground stories upset you. It doesn't smell like rotting fish down there, so don't feel self-conscious.
  
• Play fair
  If you want your man to go down on you, just ask him to. If you feel a bit shy, try getting into bed upside down - he'll probably get the message. If he really isn't in the mood, or the idea upsets him, just respect his decision and don't try to force the issue. There is nothing wrong with having oral sex during a period, but a lot of men really don't like doing it at that time of the month.

Giving her good head

Make sure you know what you're doing when you go down on her.

• Communicate
  Let him know how much you like what he's doing. If he hasn't quite got the hang of it, gently suggest a different way of doing things, and be sure to tell him when he's getting it right.
  

For you:

• Easy tiger
  Don't just go barging in down there. Take your time, and make sure you are both feeling turned on before you venture south. If you aren't used to giving head, don't expect to bring her to a climax in seconds flat. And if you have bad stubble on your chin, forget it; no girl wants razor burns in such a sensitive place.
  
• Ask what she likes
  You don't necessarily have to go down on her for several hours - just a few minutes of oral sex can do wonders for your foreplay. Ask her what feels good and if there's anything that would make it better. Make sure you are both in a comfortable position, or you'll end up with an unsexy crick in your neck.
  
• No magic formulas
  Every female is different. There is no point in rigidly following those 'Ten Easy Steps to Give Her an Oral Orgasm' articles in lads' mags. It isn't like an exam, with right and wrong answers. Sometimes you have to experiment to see what works for both of you.
  
• Start gently
  Many women say that oral sex gives them more stimulation than penetration. So remember to take it easy and avoid being rough, especially to begin with. Look where you are going too. Gently part the outer lips of the vagina and look for the vaginal opening, and the hooded clitoris above it. These are the most pleasurable areas to stimulate, and are the key to giving the best head. Thrusting a tongue in and out of the vagina might feel good for a moment or two, but it won't be enough to tip her over the edge.
  
• Work it
  Try kissing and licking anywhere between her thighs to turn her on. Move on to the clitoris, starting with gentle licking or sucking. Get her to tell you what motion feels the best, what speed and what pressure turn her on the most. Try it with a relaxed, soft tongue, and change to a firmer, pointed tongue. Some women love an up-and-down licking motion, others like it to go from side to side (like a windscreen wiper), and others still like a circular or pressing-down motion.
  
• Patience, patience
  When you have found something that works well, keep on doing it! Take a break if you need one, but avoid stopping suddenly because it can be very frustrating for the woman. Ask if she wants you to use your fingers as well. If she says 'yes', make sure they are wet before you start moving them around on her clit or inside her.
  
• Practice makes perfect
  Even if you are both very experienced lovers, it can take a long time to bring the woman to orgasm, so don't stress out, and keep practicing if that's what you're aiming for. It's worth the effort, and she will most likely be happy to return the favour.