Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Mates with your ex

It's the old cliche: "I'd like us to stay friends" - but do we mean it and will it work?

Do we want to?

No: Often the 'dumper' uses this line to soften the blow, knowing full well they won't be calling round for coffee. If you are the dumper, and your ex keeps ringing, you may actually have to be honest. If you were dumped, and they aren't returning your calls, get the message. Friendship is a two-way thing and if only one of you is doing the running, it ain't worth it.

Maybe: We can use the line as security for ourselves; we still want them in our life, and what if we did mess up? It keeps the possibility of making up there. However the other partner may not like this arrangement at all, find meeting is just causing more hurt, and indeed may break off contact completely.

Yes: In some cases, often after long-term relationships, there is so much history there you couldn't ever close the doors on each other. If you enjoy each other's company, why not stay friends? If the sole reason for breaking up is that the love has gone, that doesn't mean the friendship has faded. Tell others if you are remaining amicable, and tell each other when you are going to group gatherings of mutual friends.

How much do you tell each other?

Hot dates, crushes and Saturday night snogs are likely to evoke some jealousy and when your ex meets someone else, you might find it too much and no longer feel able to see them as a mate. If you went straight from the relationship to a close friendship with them, you may feel you are losing them all over again. Talk about how you feel with your ex.

Explain that you feel jealous, and if it is too much, agree to spend some time apart while you get used to the idea. If you are OK with it, then say so too, reinforce the fact that you don't want to get back together and make sure you act like a friend not an ex when you see them both together. This way you won't be seen as a threat.

What if we fall back into bed?

You may build bridges and become mates again, but once you get close you may soon find yourselves back in lust, and maybe back in love. However if you feel your ex is only remaining in your life because they want you back, you will have to bring the topic up and stress that it's not going to happen. If you want them back too, think carefully before running back, remember why you left in the first place.

You can't move on with your life

Keeping an ex in your life makes it hard to move on and rebuild your life. You may decide to take a short break from each other so that you can get used to being apart, and start to get your life in order, before striking up a friendship. However, sometimes a clean break is needed, where you decide it is better to have the good memories, rather than get mad at each other through the difficulties of trying to be friends.

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