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I don't want to get pregnant...What are my birth control options?

There is a lot of talk about teenage unwanted pregnancies. Yet, according to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy in Washington D.C., the majority of unplanned pregnancies and abortions are actually occurring among women in their 20s. And 4 in 10 of those unwanted pregnancies are happening to twenty plus year old women who have some college education. For some having the baby is the only alternative, whether or not the consequences of this decision may have long term negative outcomes. For others, the new life, though unplanned, brings great joy. Still for others, abortion offers a solution to an unwanted pregnancy, though most women agree that abortion is not a panacea. So how does one avoid becoming pregnant in the first place?



It all begins with birth control options and which one fits your personality, lifestyle and especially your sex life. Even before that, though, you do need to adopt the mantra, "I will be compulsive when it comes to birth control." In order to achieve effective birth control and consistently avoid becoming pregnant, you need to follow the rules of your choice method, all the time. To guide your choice, you need to ask:



* Do I want a long term, in place option?
* Can I remember to take a daily pill?
* Do I have any health conditions that might make certain birth control options a health risk?
* Am I taking any medicines that might interact with certain birth control methods?
* Do I want a method that is easily reversible?
* Do I want the birth control to address other concerns (like STDs)?



You will certainly want to see a doctor and have the answers to those questions ready so that you can make the best birth control choice that will be effective and match your profile. If you choose birth control pills and tend to be forgetful and disorganized - your birth control method will fail because of non-compliance. A device like an IUD might be a better choice for you. If you just want birth control short term, because you are married and thinking about children in the next couple of years, then you may want a type of IUD that is removed after one year. Here's a rundown of the most popular birth control methods:

* (1) Say no to sex, or total abstinence.
* (2) Barrier methods - condom, sponge, cervical cap
* (3) Hormone methods - Birth control pills
* (4) Hormone methods - Norplant, NuvaRing, IUD
* (5) Emergency contraception - pill or copper IUD (a choice that is selective for a specific situation only)



You may find that at different points in your life your birth control choices will change. The point is to realize that there are a variety of birth control options and with a bit of information and some guidance from your health professional, you will be able to find one that is a "good fit" for both you and your lifestyle.

Abstinence

No sex please, were abstinent. It may sometimes feel like the whole world is shagging non-stop, but there are plenty of people who choose not to put out.

What is it?

Abstinence means avoiding sex. It is short-term celibacy. It's fine to go through periods of your life in which you choose to abstain - the decision to have sex is yours to make, each and every time.

Abstinence doesn't have to mean switching off your sex drive completely. In fact, with a little imagination, abstinence can be very sexy. Instead of rushing into the act, it will make the smaller gestures such as hand holding, massages, bathing together, kissing, and touching all the more sensual.

Why do it? (Or don't)

Abstaining does not mean you are frigid or destined for life as a monk or a nun - it may just be a temporary decision. Taking some time out for your body, mind, and spirit.

You may just need some headspace without the emotions and complications of sex. Maybe you have exams or something else important that you need to concentrate on, so you can't be up all night working through the Karma Sutra. You may just be labelling yourself as celibate while single and waiting for the right person to come along (A little sad perhaps, but nowhere near as bad as looking desperate.)

You may even be one of those people with a high sex drive who takes regular "fasts" from sex - apparently having sex less frequently mean that when you do the results are orgasmic. If so, lucky you...

Abstinence does have other advantages:

• Less stress: Think about it. No sex also means no worrying about your performance in the sack, who sleeps in the wet patch, how you look naked (unless you are a naturist), whether they're sleeping with someone else, whether you should sleep with someone else, whether to spit or swallow, screaming the wrong person's name and carpet burns.
• Get a life: Time and energy usually spent having sex, thinking about sex, and trying to get sex can instead be spent on more interesting things, like taking up kick boxing or learning Chinese or making new friends to discuss things other than sex with.
• Healthy and happy: No sex also means no pregnancy scares, less chance of catching STIs, no struggling with bra catches, no waking up with dog-ugly strangers. You'll also have more cash: all that money usually spent on gifts and bondage gear and special dinners can now be spent on other things...

The obvious downside, however, is not getting any sex.

But what if the perfect shag comes along?

No one ever said it was going to be easy, but if you have chosen to abstain from sex you probably don't want a single moment of passion to undermine your good intentions.

But you may find it difficult to abstain for long periods of time and may even find yourself in a situation where you can't hold back any more. This is one reason why you should never forget your back-up plan, so keep on carrying condoms. Abstinence isn't a permanent choice and you have every right to change your mind whenever you please. So go on, improve your mind and your sex life. Abstain, if only for a little while.

Fuck buddies

Having a 'fuck buddy' suits some people perfectly; recreational sex with no heavy love stuff going on. But can it work for you?

When it works

If it's what you both want, then there's no-strings sex, without the need for the nerve-wracking chatting up that usually leads up to a one-night stand. If you want to get laid regularly, but don't want to commit to a heavy relationship then it has a certain appeal. It's a very personal decision about whether or not it's right for you.

It can be a real thrill to have a passionate fling with someone you wouldn't normally hang out with in everyday life for long periods of time. Sometimes a couple have incredible sexual chemistry, but beyond that they have little in common. The added sense of 'naughtiness' allows some people to cut loose and play out their fantasies. Both partners have to be very clear about what they want from having a 'fuck buddy', and need to talk about their expectations so that there are no misunderstandings.

When the passion burns out, if you were good friends already, you may find you can go back to being just mates and closer ones at that, however sometimes one of you will be too weirded out and you'll lose them completely as a result.

When it doesn't work

If it's two people who like and respect one another, then it can work very well. However, often one person is in love with the other one and hides their true feelings, or falls in love during the relationship. If either of you are going to sleep with other people while keeping a fuck buddy then be honest about it, otherwise there is a strong possibility of someone feeling jealous, betrayed, or having their sexual health put at risk.

Some people who go on about being a fuck buddy are just a bit selfish, or too immature to commit to a relationship. If the relationship quickly becomes one-sided, or you start to feel used, then it's time to knock it on the head, no matter how good the sex may feel.

Test of time

It is often impossible to turn this situation into a regular relationship, if that's what you eventually decide that you want, but it does work out sometimes. What usually happens, though, is that the intensity of the sex eventually burns itself out - and you both find that you've got nothing to talk about. But at least nobody will have a broken heart if you stick to the ground rules.

Mates with your ex

It's the old cliche: "I'd like us to stay friends" - but do we mean it and will it work?

Do we want to?

No: Often the 'dumper' uses this line to soften the blow, knowing full well they won't be calling round for coffee. If you are the dumper, and your ex keeps ringing, you may actually have to be honest. If you were dumped, and they aren't returning your calls, get the message. Friendship is a two-way thing and if only one of you is doing the running, it ain't worth it.

Maybe: We can use the line as security for ourselves; we still want them in our life, and what if we did mess up? It keeps the possibility of making up there. However the other partner may not like this arrangement at all, find meeting is just causing more hurt, and indeed may break off contact completely.

Yes: In some cases, often after long-term relationships, there is so much history there you couldn't ever close the doors on each other. If you enjoy each other's company, why not stay friends? If the sole reason for breaking up is that the love has gone, that doesn't mean the friendship has faded. Tell others if you are remaining amicable, and tell each other when you are going to group gatherings of mutual friends.

How much do you tell each other?

Hot dates, crushes and Saturday night snogs are likely to evoke some jealousy and when your ex meets someone else, you might find it too much and no longer feel able to see them as a mate. If you went straight from the relationship to a close friendship with them, you may feel you are losing them all over again. Talk about how you feel with your ex.

Explain that you feel jealous, and if it is too much, agree to spend some time apart while you get used to the idea. If you are OK with it, then say so too, reinforce the fact that you don't want to get back together and make sure you act like a friend not an ex when you see them both together. This way you won't be seen as a threat.

What if we fall back into bed?

You may build bridges and become mates again, but once you get close you may soon find yourselves back in lust, and maybe back in love. However if you feel your ex is only remaining in your life because they want you back, you will have to bring the topic up and stress that it's not going to happen. If you want them back too, think carefully before running back, remember why you left in the first place.

You can't move on with your life

Keeping an ex in your life makes it hard to move on and rebuild your life. You may decide to take a short break from each other so that you can get used to being apart, and start to get your life in order, before striking up a friendship. However, sometimes a clean break is needed, where you decide it is better to have the good memories, rather than get mad at each other through the difficulties of trying to be friends.

Getting over it

One minute you were planning your lives together, the next you're giving back their CDs. You've become an ex, but how do you deal with it?

Don't:

• Jump back into bed with them: You may have been the greatest sexual partners since Antony and Cleopatra, but the heartache will last longer than the act.
  
• Call and hang up: Call drunk late at night, send rash emails every other minute or indulge in any other stalker-like behaviour. Give it up.
  
• Rebound: They won't live up to your ex, your emotions will be haywire and it will all get too serious too soon. You'll also feel 10 times worse if it all goes pear shaped.
  
• Avoid going out in case you bump into them: You need to socialise, so get out before life passes you by.

Do:

• Take some time to yourself: Switch off the mobile, get some videos in, chill.
  
• Put some distance between you: Like the Atlantic Ocean. Pack your bags and go somewhere exotic, it's harder to be sad in the sunshine.
  
• Accept it is over: You can't move on if you still allow hopes that you will get back together and live happily ever after. You will get over it. You will.
  
• Lean on me: Talk to people, it helps get it all out in the open and will help you feel better.
  
• Look after yourself. We're talking super pampering here, eat well, sleep well and begin to feel well, whether you eat your favourite food every night or you let your mates take you to places they'd never usually go just to cheer you up, go do it.
  
• Write down all the ways your partner pissed you off: We guarantee they won't seem quite as perfect as your rose-tinted memory makes them.

Next

Get out there and do something, it may be cliched but changing your image, trying something new or just getting fit can help you focus on something other than your ex and help you to gain confidence and move on.

Then, one day, someone will mention your ex and you will realise you hadn't thought about them in a while. Result.

Accepting it's over

You've split up with your partner but all you can think about is getting back together. No matter how much you want them back, the best way to move now is on.

When you split up with someone that you still have feelings for it's tempting to let them make all the rules in order to keep them in your life. The problem is, if there's no hope of reconciliation, you're just prolonging the agony - and it will take even longer for your broken heart to mend.

Try to accept that it's over

This is so difficult, but until you accept that the relationship is over you'll probably keep reading 'secret' messages into everything connected with your ex. It's particularly hard to believe you really have been dumped if you're still seeing each other. The best way to get over a relationship is to sever all connection - even if just for a while. Of course this is very difficult if you're in the same job or at uni together - but the less contact you have the better.

41% of you who responded to our Saucy Survey said it's a mistake to go back to an ex for sex after you've split up.

No sex with your ex

After a while, you and your ex might meet up - especially if you lived together and have got to sort out possessions or legal problems. You might spend an evening sorting out these things, and then open a bottle of wine, and maybe then you'll have a kiss and cuddle for old times' sake and one thing could lead to another. Attractive though this sounds - especially if you are still in love with your ex - having sex could break your heart all over again. The chances are that your ex will get up abruptly afterwards and say something like: "This shouldn't have happened," or: "Well that was nice, but it doesn't change anything," and you'll feel as devastated as when you first split up. So make it a rule - NO SEX WITH YOUR EX.

Can we still be friends?

If your ex has said something like: "Of course we must stay friends", be wary. Do you need this person as a friend? Well, perhaps it would be good long-term, but right now you want them as a lover - and being treated simply as a friend will prolong the agony of coming to terms with the split. The truth is that it will probably help your ex's guilt about dumping you, but you're the one who needs help right now, not your previous partner. The best thing to do is to keep your distance for a few months - and after that time, decide whether or not friendship is possible or even desirable.

Mending a broken heart

Feeling broken hearted is just about the worst pain in the world. It can also seem endless - luckily it isn't.

So, you're nursing a broken heart? What you have to remember is that you can get through it. Ask around and you'll find that loads of people you know have had their hearts broken. Most of them are OK now. And one day you'll be OK too. Better than that you'll be fine. But right now, it's hard to believe that.

First love

Getting over your first love is incredibly difficult. This is because we all think our first, real, wonderful, romantic love will last forever. Funnily enough, we don't look at our friends and their early relationships and think that they will last forever. And we know statistically that most people do not fall in love at 17 or thereabouts and stay with that person for life. But knowing these things does not seem to stop us from feeling that our particular first love is golden and timeless and unlike any other. So when it ends it's shattering.

The only comfort is that this romance has shown you how much love you have to give. And people with love to give are attractive individuals that others are drawn to. One day, you'll look back at your first love and realise that it was a great dress rehearsal for subsequent relationships. But you're unlikely to feel that right now.

Treat yourself gently

You can feel so 'knocked' after your heart is broken that you feel seriously ill, or as if you've been in a car crash. So, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or a road traffic accident. Let other people care for you, too. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat lovely foods. Convalesce. And allow yourself to cry - even if you're a bloke. It's horrible at the time, but you'll feel better afterwards. All in all, take life gently - you've had a shock, and your mind and body need time to get over it.

Pep up your social life

Your friends will help you get over it. Soon, they'll be asking you to come out in a group to the cinema or the pub or whatever. At first you won't be in the mood, but soon you'll realize that there are some bonuses to being single again. In fact, you'll find that this is a good time to do stuff that you didn't do with your ex. So now you can go to the sorts of films that you like, or you can listen to your type of music, or go on your type of holiday.

Look back to look forwards

Once you're over the stage of feeling shocked and ill, try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you've worn for so long.

Write a list of the things that you don't miss about your ex. At first you'll be thinking that you loved everything about this person, but you didn't. What about those awful jokes, the rows, how you always had to make the arrangements if anything was to get done, the times when your ex put you down or made you feel stupid or how they didn't like your best mate? There are always elements to our past loves that weren't right, and this is a good time to focus on them.

Starting again

Sometimes when our hearts are broken we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible. This is natural - but unwise. Your best bet is to embrace your single life wholeheartedly for six months or so. Obviously you may end up having sex with other people - but do make sure it's safe sex. However, your emotions are not going to settle for quite a while, so have fun, but don't go looking for anything else serious until you're happy without your ex. You'll know you're getting over your heartache when you can get through a whole day without thinking about them.

Mending a broken heart

Feeling broken hearted is just about the worst pain in the world. It can also seem endless - luckily it isn't.

So, you're nursing a broken heart? What you have to remember is that you can get through it. Ask around and you'll find that loads of people you know have had their hearts broken. Most of them are OK now. And one day you'll be OK too. Better than that you'll be fine. But right now, it's hard to believe that.

First love

Getting over your first love is incredibly difficult. This is because we all think our first, real, wonderful, romantic love will last forever. Funnily enough, we don't look at our friends and their early relationships and think that they will last forever. And we know statistically that most people do not fall in love at 17 or thereabouts and stay with that person for life. But knowing these things does not seem to stop us from feeling that our particular first love is golden and timeless and unlike any other. So when it ends it's shattering.

The only comfort is that this romance has shown you how much love you have to give. And people with love to give are attractive individuals that others are drawn to. One day, you'll look back at your first love and realise that it was a great dress rehearsal for subsequent relationships. But you're unlikely to feel that right now.

Treat yourself gently

You can feel so 'knocked' after your heart is broken that you feel seriously ill, or as if you've been in a car crash. So, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or a road traffic accident. Let other people care for you, too. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat lovely foods. Convalesce. And allow yourself to cry - even if you're a bloke. It's horrible at the time, but you'll feel better afterwards. All in all, take life gently - you've had a shock, and your mind and body need time to get over it.

Pep up your social life

Your friends will help you get over it. Soon, they'll be asking you to come out in a group to the cinema or the pub or whatever. At first you won't be in the mood, but soon you'll realize that there are some bonuses to being single again. In fact, you'll find that this is a good time to do stuff that you didn't do with your ex. So now you can go to the sorts of films that you like, or you can listen to your type of music, or go on your type of holiday.

Look back to look forwards

Once you're over the stage of feeling shocked and ill, try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you've worn for so long.

Write a list of the things that you don't miss about your ex. At first you'll be thinking that you loved everything about this person, but you didn't. What about those awful jokes, the rows, how you always had to make the arrangements if anything was to get done, the times when your ex put you down or made you feel stupid or how they didn't like your best mate? There are always elements to our past loves that weren't right, and this is a good time to focus on them.

Starting again

Sometimes when our hearts are broken we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible. This is natural - but unwise. Your best bet is to embrace your single life wholeheartedly for six months or so. Obviously you may end up having sex with other people - but do make sure it's safe sex. However, your emotions are not going to settle for quite a while, so have fun, but don't go looking for anything else serious until you're happy without your ex. You'll know you're getting over your heartache when you can get through a whole day without thinking about them.

I love my best friend

Do you tell them, or do you keep it quiet? The choice is yours.

Maybe you've always secretly fancied them, or perhaps love has blossomed out of a long-term friendship? How do you find out whether they fancy you too and should you even try in the first place?

Opposite sex

Think long and hard before you make your feelings known to your friend. Be absolutely certain that you want to take the relationship to another level, make sure it isn't a passing crush. Having a quick fling is quite likely to damage the friendship - you could be better off having a fling with someone else you like and not losing your friend.

If you're sure that it's definitely a big lurve thang, is your friend single? If they're in a happy relationship already then it is probably unfair to try to split them up. If your heart is set on them, you'll just have to wait for it to come to a natural end and be there after they've picked up the pieces. Just don't start slagging their partner off or interfering in any other way, no matter how tempting it may be. Of course they might not split up, in which case you have to be realistic and move on to another love interest.

Should your friend be single then start flirting and look for signs that they may be flirting with you too, remembering that there's no such thing as a 100% definite sign, unless they start snogging you. Be wary of using the most common ploy, which is getting horrendously drunk and either grabbing them and slobbering everywhere or droning on about how you've always loved them and how you should get married and have babies together. This is quite likely to make them run away screaming, even if they fancied you a bit in the first place.

Be brave, find a quiet moment, and ask them if they want to go out with you sometime. Yes, as more-than-friends. Let them know there's no pressure and if they say 'no' then you still want to be mates. Be prepared for a knock back, but hope for the best.

Same sex

If your friend is out already, you face the same problems as straight couples if things go wrong: embarrassment and losing a good friend. Should things go your way, the rewards are the same too: a lover you know you already get on really well with. If your mate is not openly gay, and they turn you down, then be wary of a homophobic reaction. Most people are fortunately not like this, but it doesn't hurt to think ahead.

If they say no

Be nice, no matter how disappointed you feel. You may have built things up in your own head, but they just didn't see things in that way. Make an effort to keep in touch, but don't get too hung up about the great love that never was. Chalk it down to experience. Keep them as a friend, but make sure your life doesn't revolve around them. Have fun with other people and try to find someone else that you fancy.

If they say yes

Lucky you. Go for it.

Unrequited love

You want to take them home to meet your folks but they don't even know you exist. If you're caught up in Shakespearean love story, read on.

What is unrequited love?

Let's say you fall for someone big time. You don't even have to be dating. It can be a crush that turns to a fantasy, maybe an obsession. Whatever the case, if the object of your affection doesn't share your feelings it can spark a sense of loss, yearning and frustration that may prove hard to overcome

Why do things get so out of control?

Every experience is unique, but a pattern has to build for the sense of love to become so strong that it threatens to overwhelm. For example, just spending a lot of time thinking about that person, without actually seeing them, can cause your feelings to grow out of proportion.

How do I deal with it?

Only time can help get strong emotions into perspective. You can't fall out of love with someone overnight, after all, and in some ways you need to grieve for this lost love. It's easy to become withdrawn from everyday life when you're bewitched by someone who doesn't feel the same way, but it's vital that you get out and fill your time constructively.

Surround yourself with friends and lean on them to help regain control. Talking will help get things in perspective, but if that makes you feel uncomfortable (blokes, are you listening?) then just time spent having a laugh in their company can remind you that there's more fun to be had being a free agent.

Afraid to commit?

Do the words 'long relationship' have you running for the nearest plane? Get it right and commitment doesn't have to mean you're signing your life away.

When some people think of commitment they think of an all-conquering love, growing and improving with age. To people like me it conjures images of standing in the rain, weighed down by shopping bags, a bad perm and the five clinically obese thugs I will doubtlessly spawn for children. My every day spent in drudgery.

Traditionally it was the male of the species who clung onto bachelorhood, but not anymore. The days when a girl thought swapping herself for a box of oranges and a donkey-plough was a shrewd business move and a ticket to freedom have passed. Now we have as many lifestyle choices as we have the imagination for. But still there's a hankering for a life set to the theme of Hovis ads with all the family wearing identical side partings to signify their harmonic oneness.

Fashion statement

The wedding ceremony had its heyday in 1970. Spurred by the post-war baby boom there were 390,000 marriages in England and Wales in that year alone. By the end of 2001 the number of 18-49 year old married women had dropped from around 75% in 1979 to around 50%.

But the opinion continues to reverberate - if you're not in a pair then something is wrong. Obsessive magazines will advise you how to tell if your partner is psycho by looking at their socks and that's just the lad mags. Peruse the women's glossies and it takes an even more sinister turn: How To Make Him Commit; Get Him Down The Aisle; Make Him Love You Forever - YES FOREVER!

As more of my mates announce they are buying/ moving/ getting engaged, I can't help but congratulate them through gritted teeth. "Aren't you worried about such a commitment?" I ask tentatively and they scream back "But we love each other!" as if they were the first people ever to do so.

What if it all goes wrong?

Consider that one in three marriages ends in divorce. And then think those break up statistics only cover those who bother getting hitched. Surely we should tread into partnership with trepidation? But I suppose we all think our relationship is different. I just hope if it all ends in counselling sessions they don't come crawling back to me, moaning endlessly about what went wrong, with their mental health as limp as an over-cooked noodle.

Of course, you never have to pick up another person's socks unless you want to. But what if one of you dreams of wedding photos on the mantelpiece and co-ordinating toothbrushes in the bathroom, while the other breaks out in hives whenever the C word is mentioned?

Christine Northam of Relate explains: "If a person has grown up in a happy environment that was part of a successful committed relationship, most will want to repeat the experience for themselves. Alternatively, there are all sorts of reasons why a person might be apprehensive about the same thing.

"At Relate, if a person is afraid of commitment we tend to look towards the childhood experiences of that person. Perhaps they experienced divorce or the loss of one parent and fear going through that again?The problem occurs when a couple find they can't talk through the issues by themselves, then they can contact a counsellor for help."

Single and happy

Who says single has to mean sad? If you're sick of the associations, start holding your head up high - right now it's great to be single.

Until relatively recently being single held a certain amount of stigma, and in some quarters it still does. Women who did not marry were dubbed spinsters, and were described as 'left-on-the-shelf' if they hadn't entered wedlock by their early twenties, implying that they were unwanted. You never hear of eligible spinsters, do you? Men fared slightly better as bachelors. This sounded like much more fun, and implied a carefree lifestyle, but even they were looked at as strange if they hadn't settled down by their mid-thirties.

Successfully single

Today it's becoming more and more common for both sexes to wait longer before settling down, caused partly by wanting to play the field or perhaps concentrating on a career over a relationship. This is more likely to be down to a conscious decision to be single, rather than an inability to find a partner. Your Gran may be pestering you about when you're going to settle down, but if you're happy with your life then don't go changing.

Even if you are single because you've split up with your last partner, it doesn't mean that life has to be an ordeal. It hasn't suddenly transformed you into half a person, lacking something essential. Instead think of it as the key to a wealth of new opportunities.

Making the most of singledom:

• It's different for everyone. Try making a long list of all the things that make you happy, and make sure that you do at least some of them regularly.
• Stay in touch with your mates, keep all your lines of communication open, and get out and about.
• Don't rush into looking for someone new, most people can smell desperation a mile off, and it isn't attractive.

69 - Sideways- sex position

Sideways 69 puts a twist on the traditional 69 position, by having both partners lay sideways. A nice variation for when neither party feels like having the other laying on top of them, many people find that it is a lot easier on their necks... and if you keep rolling, you'll find yourselves on the opposite side of things; in the Inverted 69 position.

69 - Sitting- sex position

The Sitting 69 position requires the lifting partner to have considerable upper body strength.

To get into this position the lifting partner needs a fair amount of strength and a little bit of patience... The lifter should start by sitting down in a fairly high chair and help their partner manoeuvre into position, with the lifted partner placing their head between the lifter's legs while wrapping their own legs loosely around the lifter's neck and shoulders, and the arms tightly around the lifter's back.

The lifting partner wraps their own arms tightly around the back of their partner (keeping their own back as straight as possible), while paying very close attention to their partner's head and neck so as not to knock or strain them.

Kneeling 69 Sex Position,69 - Kneeling

More strength is required than for the Sitting 69, but it is considerably easier than Standing 69. The lifting partner will require considerable upper body strength. The position is lower to the floor than Standing 69 and is therefore safer and requires less overall strength on the part of the lifter.

To get into this position the lifting partner needs a fair amount of strength and a little bit of patience... The lifter should kneel down and help their partner manoeuvre into position (perhaps off the edge of a couch or bed), with the lifted partner placing their head between the lifter's legs while wrapping their own legs loosely around the lifter's neck and shoulders, and the arms tightly around the lifter's back.

The lifting partner wraps their own arms tightly around the back of their partner (keeping their own back as straight as possible), while paying very close attention to their partner's head and neck so as not to knock or strain them.

kamasutra pictures animated-Inverted 69

Inverted 69, the inverted cousin of the traditional 69 position, is a great way to change the angles on the original. The top partner needs to make sure to position their genitals at the right height, as the bottom partner's mobility tends to be a little restricted.

Kamasutra Positions animated poses pictures videos

The 69 Sex Position is considered one of the best oral intercourse positions as it allows both partners to stimulate each other at the same time. Since the smaller partner may not enjoy having a substantially larger partner on top, in the standard form of 69, as in the animation above, the male is below.

Kamasutra Positions- 68-His

One short of the Sidways 69 Position, this arrangement is called the His 68 position. The performer lies down with the receiver on top of them, facing the same way, in a head-to-toe fashion. The position is great for both fellatio and analingus, just make sure to put a pillow under the giver's head to reduce the neck strain. Conveniently, this position affords excellent opportunities for the performer to use their hands all over their partner's body.

Kamasutra positions- 68 Hers

One short of the 69, this arrangement is called the Her 68 position. The performer lies down with the receiver on top of them, facing the same way, in a head-to-toe fashion. The position is great for both cunnilingus and analingus, just make sure to put a pillow under the giver's head to reduce the neck strain. Conveniently, this position affords excellent opportunities for the performer to use their hands all over their partner's body.

How To Talk Dirty

1. Step 1: Be inquisitive

   If you don't know what to say, try asking sexy questions.
   Ask
   'shall I pull your macro lever towards my mount?'
   or
   'do you like it when my lens hood is locked for shipping?'
   This is a great way to include your partner in the dirty talk, as asking questions will draw them into a conversation.

2. Step 2: Be commanding

   Another way of talking dirty is to take control and issue instructions firmly. This is a great way of dominating, and getting your partner to do exactly what you tell them.
   Try ordering your partner to:
   
   'Rotate my mount clamp ring'
   or
   'Take my rear lens cap off'
   or
   'Tighten my locking knob clockwise'.

3. Step 3: Be descriptive

   A gentler way to talk dirty is to talk about how something makes you feel. Use phrases such as:
   
   'It feels so great when you oil my lens main body'
   Or
   'I love the way you polish my fulcrum with your deep focal length '
   Or even:
   'Wow! I can't get enough of your tight-fitted wide-angle adaptor'
   
   And don't forget, if you're enjoying yourself, say so. Your partner will be flattered, and you'll probably end up getting more of what you want.

4. Step 4: Be adult

   Remember, dirty talk is for grown-ups. Cute, cuddly comments like:
   
   "I love your ickle-wickle 8-millimetre attachment'
   
   are not for now.
   They will make you sound childish and inexperienced when you should be using words that you can say with passion and conviction.

5. Step 5: Be rude

   Once you start getting into it, show you really mean what you say by adding a few old-fashioned Anglo-Saxon expletives that you won't find in any manual
   As long as you don't cause offence, relax and feel free to experiment. And remember, while using the odd dirty word can be sexy, it's actually more about how you say it rather than what you say.

Sexual Problems

What is Sensate Focus and how can it help couples?

Answer :

Sensate Focus is a sex therapy technique for couples, which involves giving each other pleasure through a series of exercises intended to rejuvenate your sex life. In most of these exercises people are asked to give or receive pleasure without having intercourse. At first, you will be taking turns giving or receiving touch, in order to pay attention to your own senses. Sensate Focus techniques were originally developed by famed sex researchers Masters and Johnson. The techniques can improve your sex life by increasing your satisfaction when you do have intercourse.

Here is more information about what it is, why it works, and HOW TO DO IT...

WHO IS SENSATE FOCUS FOR?

If want to have sex more frequently, feel more intimate with each other, and have more pleasure from sex, then Sensate Focus is for you. Both partners need to agree to try it together. It works best if you have some past experience together of having enjoyed your sex life together at some time (like maybe when you first started having sex). But if you haven't it is still worth trying.

WHY SENSATE FOCUS WORKS:

1) You are thinking and talking about sex with your partner. If you are working on improving your sex life as if it is a project in your life, then you're on the same side of an issue, instead of arguing (or feeling alienated) by it.

2) Touching stimulates desire. It reminds you why you fell in love, and why you felt desire for each other to begin with.

3) You will be having uninterrupted "protected" time to enjoy each other and to enjoy sexual pleasure.

4) It motivates you to have sex. You will remember how much you enjoy sex, and that the "work" aspect of it is worth it.

5) It desensitizes you to get over your fears about having sex with your partner, which could have been based in a fear of being good enough in bed, or maybe a fear of pleasing someone else.

6) It takes pressure off of you about sex how much sex you should be having. The explicit instructions about what to do sexually allow you to feel sexy and sexual without either of you request it of the other. It is an assignment that you both agreed to do at the start. You no longer need to have a fear of failing at sex, or any other concerns about what to do, or if you are good at it. Touching can help you both feel more comfortable with your bodies, with each other, and with sex. You have permission to feel pleasure.

7) It helps you start to be nicer to each other by giving pleasure to each other. That can make you both feel more like having sex with each other.

HOW TO DO IT:

SENSATE FOCUS STEP-BY-STEP

You should both be completely naked for these activities. Also, set a sensual mood (candles, dim lighting...). Do not have the TV on, turn the phone ringer off, turn your clocks around, and, of course, if you have children lock your door (or send them to a babysitter, relatives or friend's house).

Activity 1 : Take turns giving each other pleasure through touching without talking, but make breasts and genitals off limits -- and do not have sex or an orgasm (neither of you). With your partner flat on the bed, for 30 minutes, touch your partner as if you are giving a massage. Do not talk during this time. Unlike a regular massage, however, don't try to touch your partner only to make him or her feel good. Just do what interests you and what feels good to your hands when you are touching your partner. Focus on what you want to do. Pay attention to how your partner's body feels including the body's curves and skin. Think about the temperature, texture, softness, ruffness, and so on. When 30 minutes are up, then your partner should give the touching 'massage' to you for 30 minutes. You should be aware of the sensations you feel. And remember: Don't talk during the touching. This will help you really focus on how it feels. Finally: no matter how turned on you get at this point, do not have sexual intercourse or orgasm. The objective is to think about what touch feels like, and to give and receive pleasure for a full hour total, without the "goal" of orgasm for either of you..

Activity 2: Include touching each other's breasts and genitals and you each instruct each other about how to touch. A night or two after Activity 1, now make advances in that activity. First talk about what felt good in Activity 1, and how and where you like to be touched. Now, have your partner get flat on the bed, adn your partner non-verbally tells you what to do while you touch. You must start with touching his or her body, excluding the genitals at first. Stay focused on the physical sensations. Do not try to make your partner have a sexual response. Orgasm is not allowed at this point, and still not intercourse! To get more direction about what how your partner enjoys being touched, your partner should put his or her hand on top of yours while touching, in order to direction the location, pressure and speed of touch. Do not talk, just use this non-verbal communication to work together, share control, and become more in tune with each other. The switch roles. You should each receive 30 minutes of touching.

Activity 3: Now start mutual touching instead of taking turns. (This will begin to make your sexual touching feel more natural, since most people don't take turns touching during sexual contact.) Mutually touch each other anywhere for 30 minutes total. Try to do what you have learned that your partner likes. This will help you both pay attention to each other's body, rather than thinking about your own pleasure. No matter how aroused you may become, intercourse is still off limits at this point.

Activity 4: Continue mutual touching and then try rubbing in a sexual way. For 30 minutes, mutually touch, and try the woman on top position, but do not put the penis in the vagina. Instead, the women should rub the penis and his pubic area against her clitoris and vaginal opening regardless of if there is an erection or not. They can use a lubricant if that makes it more pleasurable. She should try to orgasm this way. Still no intercourse.

Activity 5: Begin sexual contact. Get in the positions you had enjoyed during the past couple of activities. Then put the penis into the vagina, and rather than just move and thrust the way you had done during sex in the past, instead, focus on the physical sensation of the feeling of the penis in the vagina. Move only slowly to feel it for a few minutes. Then thrust and move anyway you want, still while paying attention to the physical sensation. Then if either partner is starting to focus on what to do to have an orgasm, stop and look into each other's eyes, staying connected, but slowing down your intercourse. After a total of 30 minutes of this slow connected intercourse (which may include stopping and starting and even loss and regaining of erection) then you may both orgasm. Repeat Activity 5 two to three days later, and move on to Activity 6 two to three days after that.

Activity 6: Have intercourse, any way you want - any time. If you want to commit to saying that you will try to do it twice a week, then give that a try. You sex life should feel as if it as improved at this point.

If Sensate Focus does not work for you, then you may want to see a sex therapist in your area. I do not see patients, but I can explain how you can find a sex therapist in your area.

How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?

Answer :

FINDING A QUALIFIED SEX THERAPIST

Choosing the best therapist for you is about choosing someone you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you. There are some things that you should always look for. You should choose a sex therapist who:

* is trained specifically in sex therapy (not just marital therapy, family therapy or general therapy)

* is certified in sex therapy by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists

* has a Ph.D. in sex therapy or a closely related field from a nationally accredited university, or has an MD (I will explain this more later)

* has an established practice, and has been seeing sex therapy clients for years

* does NOT go on television or radio on a regular basis, and does not primarily write books. Even if a sex therapist on the Today show, or a sex therapist on Oprah seems appealing, please realize that that person is not someone who should be your sex therapist. This is not a dedicated full time sex therapist. You should go to an actual full time therapist only

* is open to talking with you on the phone the first time you call, and will describe to you what to expect during your first session

Each session usually is between 45 minutes and 1 hour long. Most often, people see a sex therapist once a week, yet you may require more frequent or less frequent visits, depending on your situation. Sex therapy may last for weeks, or months, or years; this also depends on the situations presented. Fees for sex therapy are usually around $150 per hour, yet may be as low as $50 per hour, or as high as $350 per hour. It depends on the therapist and the location. Your health insurance may or may not cover sex therapy, depending on your policy. If your insurance does not cover, some sex therapists may reduced their rates for people who do not have the means to pay, so always ask if their rates are "negotiable" or "on a sliding scale."

Most importantly, find a sex therapist you are comfortable talking with. You will be discussing intimate details of your life, so you should feel as if you trust the sex therapist, and can open up to him or her.

HOW TO FIND A SEX THERAPIST

For referrals to sex therapists in your area, go to the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists. This is the organization that certifies sex therapists. The site is: www.AASECT.org. From the main page, click on "For the Public". Then click on "Locate a Professional". Then click on your state on the map or list show. Then when you see the list of names of people on the left and their occupation on the right-- make sure that you choose a sex THERAPIST (not a sex counselor, not a sex educator).

Also, only choose someone who has an MD (a medical doctor or psychiatrist who is a sex therapist) or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university (someone who is a psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, or therapist). In my opinion, you should not choose someone whose Ph.D. is from a locally accredited, or non-accredited institution, such as the "Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality" or "Maimonides American Academy of Clinical Sexologists" or "Newport University". These are NOT nationally accredited Ph.D. programs. Those are private nontraditional programs that may be accredited locally or on a state level, but not nationally. You should only choose a therapist who has an MD or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university. (There are hundreds of nationally accredited universities, but just to give you examples of what I mean by "nationally accredited university" some examples include: New York University, University of California at San Diego, Harvard University, University of Minnesota, Indiana University, Teachers College, Columbia University... you get the idea.)


Can having a few drinks hurt a man’s sexual performance?

Answer :

One drink can lower inhibitions, and get a couple to relax and enjoy sex. But if someone has 3 or 4 or more drinks (more than 4 ounces of alcohol) then it will hurt sexual performance. A man may lose his erection and a woman may find it very difficult to orgasm. In addition, alcohol often causes people to incorrectly use condoms and birth control, creating an increased potential for unintended pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted disease. It also contributes to bad decision making, so that you might have sex with someone you wouldn’t want to otherwise.


I have little to no sex drive, which makes dating difficult because I know I am bound to disappoint. What can I do?

Answer :

There’s plenty you can do, both on your own and with a new partner. For starters, consider seeing a doctor to have your general health examined and your hormone levels checked. Many illnesses can affect sex drive. Also, hormone levels can have a huge impact on libido, and treatments can help in some cases. If you’re found to be in tip-top form physically, you may want to see a sex therapist, who can discuss with you whether your past sexual relationships or attitudes toward sex are dampening your drive. (You can find a sex therapist in your area by searching the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists at www.aasect.org.) Finally, consider discussing this issue with the next person you’re dating and feel seriously about—that may be scary, but this gives you the opportunity to explain that the issue is with you, not whether you’re attracted to your date. Plus, it shows you care enough about this person to be upfront and are want to work on it—and that’s something any date will appreciate.


I don't think that my husband and I have sex as much as other people. How much do they do it, and how much should we?

Answer :

Americans have sex an average of 113 times per year—that’s a little over 2 times per week. Still, that doesn’t mean having sex more or less often is a problem. The more important question you should be asking yourself is this: Are you and your partner both satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having? If you answer this question yes, then you have nothing to worry about! Whether you’re doing it once a day or once a year, if it makes you both happy it's fine.

If, however, there’s a marked imbalance between the amount of sex you and your partner want to have, then it can help to have a discussion about what can be done to make sure both parties are happy. Maybe, for example, your partner’s so pooped by the time he or she goes to bed at night that you’re better off trying to initiate some fun in the morning.

Regardless of how you compare to others, if you feel low sex drive is your (or your partner's) issue, then for more information, you should consult a medical doctor or sex therapist. Low libido is often caused by medication, stress, or some other factors, which can be resolved by a visit to a doctor.


I am a 42 year old virgin. I ache for the touch of a female, and want to know what it feels like to make love. But I get scared and shake when I talk to a woman. Though, I'm glad I won't catch something or die from a sexual sickness. It is terrible to go through life without the touch of a hand or kiss or love. Can you help me?

Answer :

It is rare that someone is still a virgin at age 42. In fact, only about 2% of Americans are still virgins at that age. (Most Americans lose their virginity in their mid-teens, late-teens, or early twenties. About 95% of Americans have lost their virginity prior to marriage, by age 25 or 26, according to research, including studies by the National Center for Health Statistics, as well as Finer, 2007).

As you described, usually when someone has remained a virgin that long, it shows that he or she has many irrational and rational fears of sex, such as the fear of disease that you mentioned, as well as severe social and emotional issues. Unlike in the very unrealistic movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" in which the man moved quickly into dating, affection, and kissing a woman -- in real life, most men this age with this issue would most likely feel excruciatingly uncomfortable even talking to a woman, as you described. The good news is that this is something that you will be able to work through in therapy. I recommend that you start therapy right away so that you stop missing out on affection and physical love in your life.

Work with a sex therapist who specializes in these issues. To find a sex therapist in your area, search on the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists [aasect.org]. Make sure that you find someone with a Ph.D. from a well known, accredited university, and who has worked in the field for a long time. [Read my answer about what else to look for in a sex therapist in my response to the question "How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?" under the category of “Sexual Problems."]

You will learn that you do not need to fear diseases if you are sexually active, because you can be effective at responsibly practicing safer sex (using condoms), and you will also learn what else is at the root of your other issues connected with sex. You’ll find out how to take the steps to deal with your social and emotional issues, and then how to gradually talk to, touch, kiss, then some day make love to a woman. It will take dedication on your part to work through your fears and insecurities, and it will take time to meet a girlfriend who can be patient with your evolving sexuality. But it will be worth it to add this important part of the human experience to your life.


I ejaculate too quickly, within about a minute or two, or sometimes only 30 seconds. How can I last longer?

Answer :

PREMATURE EJACULATION is the most common sexual problem of men -- about 30% of men suffer from it at some time. But there are several tried-and-true clinically tested ways that you can delay ejaculation until you want to.

Overall, you need to learn how to be more in tune with your body and your excitement, and you need to learn to recognize when you’re about to ejaculate. Then you need to learn how to control or delay the process. The following techniques should be useful to help treat premature ejaculation.

STOP AND START TECHNIQUE – WITH COUNTING

You can try to treat your premature ejaculation with the counting and stop-start technique. It will allow you to learn how to pinpoint your level of sexual excitement, and keep it at a level that will give you pleasure without bringing you to the point of no return. To control ejaculation, a man must be able to recognize the feeling before the point of no return, and relax just enough that he does not reach the point of no return until he is ready.

Your sexual excitement increases as you get closer to orgasm. In order to understand how to control the level of excitement, first you have to label each level. Think of your sexual excitement as being on a scale from 0 to 10. Zero means that you don’t feel any arousal. Ten would be what you feel during orgasm. Try to get your body and mind to stay at an even level of excitement during sex (around level 7 or 8) without getting to the “point of no return,” which would be around level 9.

You can practice this technique while you’re masturbating:

-- Each time you notice that your sexual excitement has increased, label each stage with a number from 0 to 10. Try to figure out where 7 and 8 are for you.

-- When you feel like you’re getting near level 8 of arousal, slow down or stop for a few seconds, to try to bring it down a notch, remaining at or just below 7 so you don’t lose control and don't reach level 9, which would put you on the brink of orgasm. Keep yourself at your 7 to 8 level as long as possible, and stop or slow down to do this.

-- The best way to do this is to stop masturbating when you reach about level 8. Take a break for 30 seconds or a minute or so. Then start again when your excitement gets down to about 5 or 6. You should practice this at least several times each week, so that you eventually can masturbate for about 30 minutes without ejaculating until you’re ready. Once you’ve mastered these counting and stop-start skills, you can try the same sort of thing during intercourse.

When you’re having intercourse, stop thrusting and ask your partner to stop moving for a minute until your excitement mellows out a bit. You can also remove your penis from the vagina and change sexual positions to give yourself a little time to slow things down. Having an understanding partner with whom you can talk about this activity is helpful.

THE SQUEEZE TECHNIQUE

A more advanced technique is the squeeze technique. To do this, you still need to become familiar with the feelings that you get when you’re close to orgasm. Then, when you’re having intercourse and you feel very close to the point of no return, you should stop thrusting and tell your partner not to move so that your ejaculatory response is not triggered. Next, you or your partner should squeeze your penis using a thumb and one or two forefingers in one of two places: either at the very base, or at the ridge under the head of the penis. (If you need more instruction, you can see an illustration of exactly where to squeeze in my book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex.) Putting pressure in either of these places will cause your excitement to decrease, and the feeling of getting close to ejaculation will be reduced.


I'm in a great marriage, however my wife has never performed oral sex on me, and refuses when I ask. Do you have any ideas on how to change her mind?

Answer :

Talk with her at a time when she's in a good mood, and you have time and privacy to talk. Start by telling her that you love her and you love making love with her, but that you are curious why she won't perform oral sex on you. If she won't give any reasons then you will have a tough time understanding why she doesn't want to do it. I hope she will tell you openly if she has fears about it, or negative experiences associated with it. Knowing this sort of information can help the two of you get closer, and it may help you understand if she will at some point be ready to have oral sex on you, or if she will never do it because of a trauma associated with it.

If she's just afraid that she won't know what to do, or if she's afraid that she won't like it, then you can reassure her that at first all you'd like is some penile kissing and licking (not deep throating! and no ejaculating!). Also, ask her if you can have an "oral love night" in which she should not put her mouth on your penis and you should not put yours on her vulva, but rather you both use your lips and tongues on other parts of each other's bodies. So that night, first shower together and brush your teeth. Then once you've dried off, kiss each other's necks, suck on each other's toes, nipples, fingers, and lick your way around each other's stomachs and backs. Slowly kiss your way from her neck down her entire body to her toes. The idea is just for you both to be more oral together. Then next time that you have sex, try to integrate more oral activities into love making, again, not necessarily involving genitals, but just more licking, kissing, sucking. Over time that can evolve into oral sex on your penis and her vulva.

Another tip: try 69 to get her use to the idea of oral sex -- with you both on your sides, so she doesn't get smothered. If she's wiling to try these things, do not ejaculate if she goes down on you. That should only happen later after she's become more used to giving oral sex. She should not be put in a position in which she feels like she's "servicing" you, but rather, ask her to think of it as just an alternative way to feel good. If she likes receiving oral sex that will help.

Reassure her that sex techniques do not come naturally, and if she's willing to try experimenting with oral techniques, that it could be fun. Never push her head down there, always be clear about what feels good, and talk clearly about the issue of if you'll ejaculate and when and where. Also, if you can together look at a book that discusses oral sex technique that could help her. My book (The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex) has step-by-step techniques on how she can do it -- but if you don't want to buy my book, then browse for other sex books that are only about oral sex.

Overall, present these ideas to her as if this is a project that you want to work on together as a fun way to spice things up - not something that she "should" do or that is "lacking".

I'm a guy who can get off just fine on my own and during oral sex, but for some reason I am unable to climax during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me, and how can I change?

Answer :

Perhaps your penis prefers the feeling of your hand or her mouth. Or it could be that you feel inhibited by the risks of pregnancy or diseases, or by the emotional intimacy of ejaculating during intercourse. If your psychological issues seem deeply rooted, then a therapist can help.

To try to get over this on your own, find a partner who you trust and love, use condoms to reduce your risks, and try to get the stimulation you need. Experiment to find positions in which her vagina may feel tighter, such as from behind or maybe sitting. When you know those positions, use your hand get very close to orgasm, until the last minute when you enter her vagina to climax. Or alternate between your hand and intercourse off and on until you are about to climax and then force yourself to finish with intercourse. If she’s willing to play these ways, then you may be able to have orgasms during intercourse after all. Be sure to tell her: “it’s not you it’s me.”

Finally, remember that everyone enjoys sex differently. If you and she are happy with the way things are, then you should not pressure yourself to change. Perhaps you will change in your own time, or maybe you'll be happy just the way you are.


My new girlfriend and I have sex every night, but I know that won't last. What should I do if I am not in the mood? What about when she is not in the mood?

Answer :

How you deal with the first night that one of you doesn't want to get it on speaks volumes about your sexual potential together. If you complain or freak out, because she is not in the mood, then she may think that you care more about your sexual needs than about her feelings. She will think that sex is more important to you than love or affection. Therefore, if she is not in the mood, be loving to her by asking if you can still hold her. Or if you really want to have an orgasm, ask her if you can hold her while you masturbate. If you are the one who is not in the mood, the best way to act to save the night is to remain loving and affectionate. Or you can ask her if she wants to masturbate in your arms. If you are too tired to have sex, then the best way to tell her is to say, “Tomorrow night, I will seduce you, and I will plan something very special!” This serves two purposes: first, it lets her know that you are not rejecting her, and second, it gives her something to fantasize about and look forward to. Just be sure to follow through on your promise: Tomorrow, be prepared to strip for her and make love like you never have before.


If I have to have a testicle removed, how will it affect my sex drive? Will I ejaculate half as much, or does the remaining ball work overtime to compensate?

Answer :

Having a testicle removed (such as for treatment of testicular cancer) should not affect your sexuality. Your lone testicle should make enough sperm to maintain fertility, and enough testosterone to keep your sex drive normal. However, if you have your testicle removed and then sense that your sex drive has taken a dive, get your testosterone tested by your doctor just to be sure.

Also, if only the testicle is removed and no other glands or nerves are damaged, then your quantity of ejaculate should seem about the same. This is because only 5 percent of semen comes from the testicles. Sixty to 75% is from the seminal vesicles; 20% is from the prostate gland, and about 5% is from other glands. If you feel self conscious about your loss of a ball, talk with your doctor about getting a surgical implant. Research in the Journal of Urology found that receiving a testicular implant greatly increases self-esteem. While some guys love being a one-balled wonder, others would rather have a pair, even if one is useless and made of silicone.

Sex Positions

My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.

Answer :

Trial and error work best when you are trying to find the amount of pressure and friction that feel good to you and your partner during intercourse.

These variations on some common sex positions can usually snug things up:

1) Missionary: She tilts her pelvis down, aiming her vaginal opening toward the mattress, and holds her bent knees up toward her chest while keeping her head elevated on pillows. This will increase pressure against her vaginal walls and shorten her vaginal canal.

2) Sitting: You stand or kneel while she sits on the edge of the bed, sofa, or counter top. When you enter her you’ll be going up at a slight angle, so your penis should hit the top wall of her vagina. You’ll feel pressure and tightness as you hit that wall.

3) Doggy style: Enter her from behind, but open your legs and have her mostly close hers. Then have her angle her body down by resting her head and shoulders flat on the bed. This will help her feel tighter, or you feel bigger…however you prefer to look at it.


What is an idea for a new and exciting sexual position?

Answer :

All you have to do is get creative! Take the basics, and just move around a little, experimenting with wherever your body happens to end up. Put an arm or leg up, or down, or over. Try standing or sitting up during sex. Try doing it in a rocking chair instead of in bed, or even just on the sofa or on the floor. If you need some instruction about new positions, sex books can help. In fact, my book (The Complete Idiot Guide to Amazing Sex) has details and illustrations of some exotic positions. But I will give you a free preview here, of course. Try "The Crab." Here's what to do: The man lies flat on his back. The woman has her back to him, and faces away from him as she sits down on top of his penis, with her legs straddling the outside of his thighs. When the penis is inside her from behind, she leans back on her hands which are at his sides and then onto her feet, lifting up her body, and putting her head back, striving to face up toward the ceiling. In this crablike position, she almost looks like she is doing a back bend. OR try "The Wheelbarrow." In this tricky position, the man stands up while the woman is in front of him, upside down (as if she is about to do a hand stand) with her hands on the floor, and her feet around his waist or on his shoulders (depending on their height). He inserts his penis in her vagina from this position. Most people who try this are probably in for an adventure, just finding out if they can get into this position at all! Overall, have fun experimenting.


I'm a woman who is not quite sure how to move when I am on top. Do you have technique advice?

Answer :

In the woman-on-top position, most often the woman straddles the man’s hips, taking his penis inside her, and then lies on top of him, either with her legs bent behind her (almost in a kneeling position), or stretched out flat along the sides of his legs(front side down). (Yet there are many variations of this position.) The woman can support her weight on her arms when she leans forward, or she can sit all the way up and allow her arms to just dangle or use them to touch him or herself.

In this position, the woman actively controls the speed at which thrusting occurs, and the angle and the depth of penetration. How a woman chooses to move in this position depends on what she wants to feel, or what she wants her partner to feel.

If you're a woman who wants to try to have an orgasm, then try leaning forward slightly and moving in a sliding motion with his penis inside you -- to rub your clitoris against his pelvis as you thrust. In that position, you’ll feel him gently sliding in and out of your vagina, while most of the sensation will be your clitoris rubbing on his pelvis. In this position, your whole body may be very close, or even flat on top of his, with your head close to his.

If you want to feel harder penetration in your vagina, then straighten up, and hoist your vagina up and down on his penis, moving your whole body up and down. Your body will be perpendicular to his. In that position, you can even move your bent legs so that your feet are flat down and you are using your bent legs to push yourself up and down (as if you were mimicking a frog.)

If you want to show your man a full view of your breasts, then you’ll choose to sit up slightly or all the way, so he can see, touch and caress them, which can be extremely arousing for both of you. If you want to kiss him while you’re on top, you’ll lean forward more. If you want to kiss his neck, you’ll be almost flat on top of him. Truly, the key to enjoying the woman-on-top position is feeling confident experimenting with the different sensations you can create during sex. Learn what you enjoy, and what he enjoys, and then you'll have your favorites.


Can you tell me a couple of new and exciting sex positions?

Answer :

Here are two of the newest positions that I've come up with:

1. VERTICAL SPREAD The woman can feel tighter to him and expose her clitoris more by spreading her legs vertically, not horizontally. In missionary position (she's on her back, and his legs are between hers), she grasps behind her own knee of one leg, and keeps her leg straight, extending it up toward her nose. She’ll have one leg resting flat on the bed, and the one pointing toward her head (holding it there). That gives her a vertical spread of her legs and changes the angle of penetration during missionary position sex.

2. HAVING A BALL: (I also wrote about this one in Cosmo recently) Get a medium or large sized exercise ball or large beach ball. The woman lies back on it, with her legs spread, feet flat on the ground, head pointed up or back on the ball, and fingers reaching toward the floor for support. Have the guy kneel between her legs as he enters her. He can continue kneeling while holding her hips as he thrusts, or he can stretch his body over hers and use his feet on the ground for support. She can grab his butt and draw him into her, or keep her hands on the floor for balance as he moves in and out. The exercise ball will roll away if he thrusts too hard or too fast, so he has to restrain his motions—no wild bucking—which will keep his desire on a slow boil. Also, because she has to maintain her balance it forces her to tilt her pelvis upward slightly, so he experiences deep penetration.


Is the 69 position better, anatomy-wise, for men or for women? Does being upside-down matter?

Answer :

Pleasure during 69 (simultaneous, mutual oral) is not related to gender. Also, 69 is not one position – it’s a sex act that can be done in many different positions. You can switch positions until you both feel that your anatomy is being served in a comfortable, pleasurable way. Oral orgasms are contingent on where a tongue is touching the genitals and what other parts of the body are accessible for stimulation. If one of you prefers receiving oral sex when you’re flat on your back, then 69 with one of you on top will work better. If you don’t like doing it with one person on top, or “upside-down” as you say, then instead try side-by-side sixty-nine. With both of you on your sides, 69 let’s you have more freedom with your hands to touch each other’s chest, stomach, thighs, butt. Some people do not like sixty-nine at all because they find it distracting. They may want to focus on their own pleasure when they want to have an orgasm from oral sex. Or they can’t concentrate enough to give oral sex the way they want, if receiving it at the same time. If this is the case, you and your partner can remain in a 69 position, but take turns giving and receiving to enjoy the mutuality of sixty-nine, without the distraction. Also, remember that you when you 69, you can always switch positions, and you don’t need to always do it until you both orgasm. It can be fun for both men and women, just for variation or for a warm up. Finally, realize that when oral sex is at its hottest, you’re not even be thinking about whether your body is upside-down or right-side-up. Just get into it, and do whatever feels good to your body and your partner’s body.


What position is best for the first time?

Answer :

Some couples report that they liked it with him on top, while she has a pillow under her butt, because it allows for her to relax and provides an easy angle for penetration. However, this would only work for her if the guy goes very slowly, and does not thrust fully, at least at first. She needs to be able to tell him to slow down, stop, or keep going. And If she feels that when he is on top she has less control, then perhaps for her first time, she would want to be on top in order lower herself onto him at the pace that’s right for her. Another option might be is side by side in the spoon position. In fact, there are many options, so the couple should discuss it. If the first position doesn’t feel right, you can always move around until you find a position you like. Or you can always stop and try again other time. Be sure to talk about it.


When we're about to have sex, who should insert the penis in the vagina? The man or the woman?

Answer :

As long as you have both already consented to having sex with each other, then either may insert the penis. It’s a matter of personal preferences. Because the woman receives the penis, she may want to have more control over its insertion. Also, she probably knows her introitus (vaginal opening) more intimately the man does; so, she will know if she is lubricated enough, her preferred angle of penetration, and if she needs to hold her labia far apart to allow the penis to enter. Yet, if the man enjoys the feeling of guiding his erection into her, then he may prefer to do it. Some men like to tease a woman by just putting the head in at first. That man would want to do it on his own, so he can play while he puts it in. If a man can not quite find the best angle of entry, or if he’s not aware that he may need to hold her labia to the side to enter, then she can certainly lend a hand. There’s no reason why they can't both help.

If the man is not sure how to do it, here are tips: First touch the entrance of her vagina with your fingers to feel if she is lubricated. If she is not lubricated enough yet, then use some of your saliva to lubricate her vagina, or a store bought lubricant that is condom compatible -- or have more foreplay! If she is well lubricated, then part her labia with the fingers of one hand. Try to find an angle of entry that allows your penis to gently slide into the vagina. If the penis does not slide, guide it with your other hand, as you try to move your position to adjust to the best angle of entry. All during the process, continue kissing and touching, to keep her (and your) level of arousal high. Also, make a deal that the partner who inserts it, needs to also check that the condom is on properly.

During intercourse, if when changing positions the penis comes out, the person who has the easiest and fastest access to it can put it back in. First come, first serve. However: Some men have a fear that if the woman is on top and his penis comes out, then she will thrust back down hard, missing vaginal opening, slamming his erection into her body – which could injure his penis. If that’s your fear, then let her know before sex, that you would like the job of reinsertion - when she’s on top - to be all yours, or at least tell her that you will require that she uses her hands to slowly and carefully reinsert it.

What is an idea for a new and exciting sexual position?

Answer :
All you have to do is get creative! Take the basics, and just move around a little, experimenting with wherever your body happens to end up. Put an arm or leg up, or down, or over. Try standing or sitting up during sex. Try doing it in a rocking chair instead of in bed, or even just on the sofa or on the floor. If you need some instruction about new positions, sex books can help. In fact, my book (The Complete Idiot Guide to Amazing Sex) has details and illustrations of some exotic positions. But I will give you a free preview here, of course. Try "The Crab." Here's what to do: The man lies flat on his back. The woman has her back to him, and faces away from him as she sits down on top of his penis, with her legs straddling the outside of his thighs. When the penis is inside her from behind, she leans back on her hands which are at his sides and then onto her feet, lifting up her body, and putting her head back, striving to face up toward the ceiling. In this crablike position, she almost looks like she is doing a back bend. OR try "The Wheelbarrow." In this tricky position, the man stands up while the woman is in front of him, upside down (as if she is about to do a hand stand) with her hands on the floor, and her feet around his waist or on his shoulders (depending on their height). He inserts his penis in her vagina from this position. Most people who try this are probably in for an adventure, just finding out if they can get into this position at all! Overall, have fun experimenting.

My penis is small. Please tell me what sex positions can make my girlfriend feel tighter during sex.

Answer :

Trial and error work best when you are trying to find the amount of pressure and friction that feel good to you and your partner during intercourse.

These variations on some common sex positions can usually snug things up:

1) Missionary: She tilts her pelvis down, aiming her vaginal opening toward the mattress, and holds her bent knees up toward her chest while keeping her head elevated on pillows. This will increase pressure against her vaginal walls and shorten her vaginal canal.

2) Sitting: You stand or kneel while she sits on the edge of the bed, sofa, or counter top. When you enter her you’ll be going up at a slight angle, so your penis should hit the top wall of her vagina. You’ll feel pressure and tightness as you hit that wall.

3) Doggy style: Enter her from behind, but open your legs and have her mostly close hers. Then have her angle her body down by resting her head and shoulders flat on the bed. This will help her feel tighter, or you feel bigger…however you prefer to look at it.

Sex and drugs

Powders, pills and sexy thrills have been the subject of more songs and urban legends than we can count. Putting some of the more romantic ideas to one side, here's TheSite.org's take on the real highs and lows of chemical lurve.

LSD/ Magic mushrooms

High: Some users report an increased sexual awareness while tripping.
Low: Trips are unpredictable. Hallucinating unpleasantly during sex could be traumatic, while a heavy dose may leave users totally turned off.

Cocaine

High: Cocaine is a stimulant drug. In small doses it can increase sexual arousal and make orgasms and erections easier.
Low: In larger amounts, cocaine can still fuel sexual desire, while decreasing the ability to actually perform properly. Problems achieving erection and orgasm are very common.

Amphetamines (speed)

High: The initial rush may lift the libido, but the feeling is unlikely to last.
Low: Male users may find the penis is less sensitive or responsive, and ejaculation difficult to achieve. As a result, sex can last a long time - which places both partners at risk of chafing (rubbed raw skin). Painfully funny on paper. Pure pain, in reality.

Cannabis

High: Users can feel less inhibited and unfriendly, while the increased sensory perception can turn stoners all touchy-feely.
Low: Blokes on dope risk a reduction in testosterone production, and a drop in sperm count, while females may experience some fertility problems due to changes in ovulation and menstrual cycles.

Ecstasy

High: An increased sense of warmth and empathy towards sexual partner. Some users feel they are more physically aroused, (although others report a loss of sensation and delayed orgasm).
Low: Increases the chances of risky sexual behaviour. A recent study showed users were more likely not to bother using condoms or other forms of contraception. Also, the drug-induced sense of loving everyone around you could mean you wind up sleeping with someone you don't really like at all.

Opiates

High: Drugs such as heroin, morphine and codeine belong to a drug group called opiates, which have a painkilling, detached effect. Codeine, in particular, is a feature in some strong over-the-counter painkilling products, so about the only appeal there, sex-wise, is that headaches won't wash as an excuse.
Low: Opiate misuse can lead to full time problems such as impotence, lowered libido and difficulty attaining orgasm.

Poppers (alkyl nitrites)

High: Some users take poppers during sex because they enjoy the brief, intense head rush and relaxant effect. Particularly popular among gay men.
Low: Alkyl nitrites reduce blood pressure. This means Viagra users should steer clear as the combination could be fatal.

The potential effect of a drug on sex is just one of many factors to consider before taking any substance. Knowledge is power, so get wise to the risks involved right.

Men and sex: top 10 worries

Yes, you heard right. Men worry about sex. Here are the 10 most common thoughts that get their y-fronts in a twist.

1. Will masturbation make me infertile?

There's a lot of myths around about masturbation, as no one really talks about such a private act. The fact is it won't make you blind or infertile, nor is it compulsory. Also, people do it whether or not they're in a relationship - including women. It's just a natural way to get in touch with your body and the pleasure you can get from it.

2. How do I find her clitoris?

The female clitoris is that highly sensitive, and highly sought after erectile sex organ. It's basically a fleshy bump, located at the top of the vaginal lips. Like the penis, the clitoris is packed with nerve endings and serves as the focus of stimulation for women, often resulting in orgasm. As for finding it, and handling it right, the best thing you can do is ask! If you're comfortable with your partner, and feel able to discuss such an intimate subject, then find out how she likes to be touched. With help, respect and experience, you'll soon find your way.

3. I'm too embarrassed to buy condoms

Using condoms means you're sussed about contraception. It means you understand and respect your sexual health and also your partner's. In this view, buying contraception really shouldn't be an issue. It certainly isn't for the person at the till. But if you really can't face it, alone or even with your partner, then condoms are available from vending machines installed in places like public toilets - where you can make the transaction in relative privacy.

4. She's more experienced than me

Your performance in the sack doesn't depend upon how many notches you've racked up on your bedpost. Nor does it matter that she's notched a few more than you. No matter how many times you or your partner have done it, what counts is the way you relate to each other - both physically and emotionally. If you're comfortable in her company, and feel able to communicate on an intimate basis, then sex should be rewarding for you both in equal measure.

5. My girlfriend wants sex and I'm not ready

Lads find it hard to admit they feel pressured into sex, fearing that it's somehow not macho. If you can be honest about your feelings, however, it shows an emotional maturity that your partner should respect.

6. She's not ready for sex

Sex is at its best when both of you feel comfortable with the idea of getting intimate. Rush into it, chances are you'll end up feeling insecure or disappointed. If you respect her, then let her know there's no pressure from you.

7. I can't admit to my mates that I'm still a virgin

Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a man, though a lot of lads lie about their sexual conquests in a bid to cover up their insecurities. Even if they are telling the truth, bragging about it doesn't show much respect for such an intimate act.

8. Can we have sex during her period?

Yes. Providing you're both comfortable with the idea, as there may be some menstrual bleeding, and you're sussed about safer sex. A woman isn't likely to get pregnant during her period, but there's always a chance- especially at the end of her menstrual cycle. What's more, unprotected sex increases the risk of exposure to sexually transmitted infections, period or not!

9. How can I tell if she's really had an orgasm?

Unless she's prepared to let you know, the truth is it's very difficult. Sure, you can look for little signs such as an increase in her breathing rate or a change in her body movement, but you'll never be sure if it's because she's having an orgasm or simply hoping that faking it will stop you looking so anxious! The only way to be sure is by talking about the issue with her. Find out what brings her to orgasm, and when, if at all. Ultimately, sexual communication is at the heart of any good orgasm -male or female -it's just a question of building up the trust and respect between you.

10. Surely size matters a little bit?

The size of a man's penis really doesn't have any bearing on his status as a lover. Women everywhere will vouch for the fact that a caring and considerate guy counts a whole lot more than a bloke with a big dick and no brains. So chuck away your ruler, and start measuring up as a skilled, sensitive and rewarding sexual partner.

Premature ejaculation

Coming too soon is a common problem for men but in many cases it doesn't, ahem, last long. Here are some coping strategies - however it's affecting you.

What is premature ejaculation?

Put simply, it's a term given to explain what happens during sex when a man 'comes' or 'climaxes' too quickly. Some experts interpret premature as meaning ejaculation within two minutes of penetration. Others define it within the context of a sexual relationship, when a persistently early finish causes problems between you and your partner.

What causes premature ejaculation?

Anxiety, stress and abstinence from sex can all play a part. It isn't uncommon for men to suffer from 'performance anxiety', especially at the start of a relationship when the desire to please is often at its greatest.

In most cases, learning to recognise and control the sensations in the penis will slow things down, and communicating with your partner about what is worrying you is also key. Once you've got your concerns out in the open, you can both set about putting them right. Which means one thing: practise!

Regaining control

• Prolonged foreplay: Foreplay with a ban on sex can help reduce anxiety and ultimately delay orgasm.
• Distraction: Mild cases of PE can often be solved by learning the art of distraction. This involves turning your mind to something else when you feel you are getting close to climax.
• The stop-start technique: An exercise practised during manual stimulation or sex, which basically involves slowing down or holding off just before ejaculation. This allows the level of arousal to subside, giving more pre-climax control.
• The Masters-Johnson method: A 'penis-grip' technique developed by therapists of the same names. By learning a special finger grip that stops the urge to climax, it's often possible to re-train a man to last much longer. It's possible to master the technique with a willing partner but it's best if you both learn it properly with a trained doctor, psychotherapist or counsellor.

Other ways to delay premature ejaculation:

So, you've talked about the problem and no amount of practise seems to be making any difference. Don't panic - there are still options:

• Sex after ejaculation: Having ejaculated once, either by masturbation or during sex, men generally take longer to achieve arousal and climax again.
• Thicker condoms: Can reduce the intensity of arousal leading up to climax.
• Psychosexual counselling: If PE continues to be a problem, talking things through with a counsellor could help. Find someone suitable through Relate or the British Association for Sex and Relationship Therapy (BASRT).
• Lessen your expectations: Many men buy into the sex myth that they should be in control. This can lead to a great deal of anxiety, which is linked to premature ejaculation. Recognising that both partners play an equal part will take the focus off the need to 'perform' and help you to relax.