How To Talk Dirty

1. Step 1: Be inquisitive

   If you don't know what to say, try asking sexy questions.
   Ask
   'shall I pull your macro lever towards my mount?'
   or
   'do you like it when my lens hood is locked for shipping?'
   This is a great way to include your partner in the dirty talk, as asking questions will draw them into a conversation.

2. Step 2: Be commanding

   Another way of talking dirty is to take control and issue instructions firmly. This is a great way of dominating, and getting your partner to do exactly what you tell them.
   Try ordering your partner to:
   
   'Rotate my mount clamp ring'
   or
   'Take my rear lens cap off'
   or
   'Tighten my locking knob clockwise'.

3. Step 3: Be descriptive

   A gentler way to talk dirty is to talk about how something makes you feel. Use phrases such as:
   
   'It feels so great when you oil my lens main body'
   Or
   'I love the way you polish my fulcrum with your deep focal length '
   Or even:
   'Wow! I can't get enough of your tight-fitted wide-angle adaptor'
   
   And don't forget, if you're enjoying yourself, say so. Your partner will be flattered, and you'll probably end up getting more of what you want.

4. Step 4: Be adult

   Remember, dirty talk is for grown-ups. Cute, cuddly comments like:
   
   "I love your ickle-wickle 8-millimetre attachment'
   
   are not for now.
   They will make you sound childish and inexperienced when you should be using words that you can say with passion and conviction.

5. Step 5: Be rude

   Once you start getting into it, show you really mean what you say by adding a few old-fashioned Anglo-Saxon expletives that you won't find in any manual
   As long as you don't cause offence, relax and feel free to experiment. And remember, while using the odd dirty word can be sexy, it's actually more about how you say it rather than what you say.