When he's crap in bed

Fumbling, slobbering, or downright selfish? Come on girls, if he's not much cop in the sack, we have the power to rebuild him.

It's a tricky subject to broach, but if your sex life goes with a whimper rather than a bang then you have to do something about it.

The other options are suffering in silence followed by an explosion of resentment, or dumping them and leaving the good bits of your current relationship behind along with the bad stuff. If your *ahem* 'physical needs' aren't even close to being met, there's sometimes an overpowering temptation to be unfaithful too.

So, to prevent future heartache all round it's better to do something about it sooner rather than later. You can 'retrain' him (mainly non-verbal) or you can talk it out.

Retraining

The essence of this little project is to reward good behaviour. Even if he's the worst fumbler in the world he'll hit on a few of the right spots eventually, just as a random event. A truly inept lover will then bumble on to do something else that's less enjoyable, so stop him when you've got him where you want.

Breathe heavily, sigh lustily, and groan loudly with passion. You won't have to exaggerate forever, he'll soon learn what you like and will think he's a right stud, without being made to feel like he's been given orders from miss bossyboots. If he really doesn't know what he's doing, buy a really good quality sex manual 'to read together' and make sure you always leave it round at his place.

You want to be touched in a particular place or way, but are sick of asking/ explaining? Just gently guide his hands to where you want them. You want oral sex but he's a bit backwards in coming forwards? Get into bed upside down. You get the idea.

Talking it out

Suppose there's something that you know you really like, but it doesn't happen often enough. Prompt him into action with a choice comment such as: "Do you remember when we went to that restaurant/did it on the beach/wrestled covered in baby oil? That was such a BIG turn on..." Any fella with a bit of common sense will be waving bruschetta/holiday brochures/Dr Johnson's finest at you soon enough.

There's also the one-for-you and one-for-me ploy, which is great for when you'd like to try something new. Whisper in their ear that you'd like to know about their fantasies, and make sure you tell them all about yours. The downside of this one is that when they finally get round to buying those satin sheets you love the look of, they'll be ruined by the chocolate sauce he fancies. Or is that just stuff that happens at TheSite Towers?

Changing his bad ways

Anyway, on to the final bit of problem solving. Easily the toughest problem to tackle is dealing with a bloke who keeps doing things that really turn you off, rather than forgetting to do things to turn you on. You really have to talk to him about it, but pick the right moment. Don't say it just before or during sex, as this will only put him on the defensive.

Say what you didn't like, and give him a chance to talk about things he doesn't like too. Find a compromise wherever possible, and move the conversation on to something positive that you both like and can look forward to ("You know, I really didn't like it the other night when you started talking about your throbbing pork sword/called me a whore/wiped your dick on the curtains afterwards - can we do something else instead?")

If he doesn't get the message then he's a moron, and it's perfectly OK to dump him, you have TheSite.org's permission.