Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I don't want to get pregnant...What are my birth control options?

There is a lot of talk about teenage unwanted pregnancies. Yet, according to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy in Washington D.C., the majority of unplanned pregnancies and abortions are actually occurring among women in their 20s. And 4 in 10 of those unwanted pregnancies are happening to twenty plus year old women who have some college education. For some having the baby is the only alternative, whether or not the consequences of this decision may have long term negative outcomes. For others, the new life, though unplanned, brings great joy. Still for others, abortion offers a solution to an unwanted pregnancy, though most women agree that abortion is not a panacea. So how does one avoid becoming pregnant in the first place?



It all begins with birth control options and which one fits your personality, lifestyle and especially your sex life. Even before that, though, you do need to adopt the mantra, "I will be compulsive when it comes to birth control." In order to achieve effective birth control and consistently avoid becoming pregnant, you need to follow the rules of your choice method, all the time. To guide your choice, you need to ask:



* Do I want a long term, in place option?
* Can I remember to take a daily pill?
* Do I have any health conditions that might make certain birth control options a health risk?
* Am I taking any medicines that might interact with certain birth control methods?
* Do I want a method that is easily reversible?
* Do I want the birth control to address other concerns (like STDs)?



You will certainly want to see a doctor and have the answers to those questions ready so that you can make the best birth control choice that will be effective and match your profile. If you choose birth control pills and tend to be forgetful and disorganized - your birth control method will fail because of non-compliance. A device like an IUD might be a better choice for you. If you just want birth control short term, because you are married and thinking about children in the next couple of years, then you may want a type of IUD that is removed after one year. Here's a rundown of the most popular birth control methods:

* (1) Say no to sex, or total abstinence.
* (2) Barrier methods - condom, sponge, cervical cap
* (3) Hormone methods - Birth control pills
* (4) Hormone methods - Norplant, NuvaRing, IUD
* (5) Emergency contraception - pill or copper IUD (a choice that is selective for a specific situation only)



You may find that at different points in your life your birth control choices will change. The point is to realize that there are a variety of birth control options and with a bit of information and some guidance from your health professional, you will be able to find one that is a "good fit" for both you and your lifestyle.

Abstinence

No sex please, were abstinent. It may sometimes feel like the whole world is shagging non-stop, but there are plenty of people who choose not to put out.

What is it?

Abstinence means avoiding sex. It is short-term celibacy. It's fine to go through periods of your life in which you choose to abstain - the decision to have sex is yours to make, each and every time.

Abstinence doesn't have to mean switching off your sex drive completely. In fact, with a little imagination, abstinence can be very sexy. Instead of rushing into the act, it will make the smaller gestures such as hand holding, massages, bathing together, kissing, and touching all the more sensual.

Why do it? (Or don't)

Abstaining does not mean you are frigid or destined for life as a monk or a nun - it may just be a temporary decision. Taking some time out for your body, mind, and spirit.

You may just need some headspace without the emotions and complications of sex. Maybe you have exams or something else important that you need to concentrate on, so you can't be up all night working through the Karma Sutra. You may just be labelling yourself as celibate while single and waiting for the right person to come along (A little sad perhaps, but nowhere near as bad as looking desperate.)

You may even be one of those people with a high sex drive who takes regular "fasts" from sex - apparently having sex less frequently mean that when you do the results are orgasmic. If so, lucky you...

Abstinence does have other advantages:

  • Less stress: Think about it. No sex also means no worrying about your performance in the sack, who sleeps in the wet patch, how you look naked (unless you are a naturist), whether they're sleeping with someone else, whether you should sleep with someone else, whether to spit or swallow, screaming the wrong person's name and carpet burns.
  • Get a life: Time and energy usually spent having sex, thinking about sex, and trying to get sex can instead be spent on more interesting things, like taking up kick boxing or learning Chinese or making new friends to discuss things other than sex with.
  • Healthy and happy: No sex also means no pregnancy scares, less chance of catching STIs, no struggling with bra catches, no waking up with dog-ugly strangers. You'll also have more cash: all that money usually spent on gifts and bondage gear and special dinners can now be spent on other things...

The obvious downside, however, is not getting any sex.

But what if the perfect shag comes along?

No one ever said it was going to be easy, but if you have chosen to abstain from sex you probably don't want a single moment of passion to undermine your good intentions.

But you may find it difficult to abstain for long periods of time and may even find yourself in a situation where you can't hold back any more. This is one reason why you should never forget your back-up plan, so keep on carrying condoms. Abstinence isn't a permanent choice and you have every right to change your mind whenever you please. So go on, improve your mind and your sex life. Abstain, if only for a little while.

Fuck buddies

Having a 'fuck buddy' suits some people perfectly; recreational sex with no heavy love stuff going on. But can it work for you?

When it works

If it's what you both want, then there's no-strings sex, without the need for the nerve-wracking chatting up that usually leads up to a one-night stand. If you want to get laid regularly, but don't want to commit to a heavy relationship then it has a certain appeal. It's a very personal decision about whether or not it's right for you.

It can be a real thrill to have a passionate fling with someone you wouldn't normally hang out with in everyday life for long periods of time. Sometimes a couple have incredible sexual chemistry, but beyond that they have little in common. The added sense of 'naughtiness' allows some people to cut loose and play out their fantasies. Both partners have to be very clear about what they want from having a 'fuck buddy', and need to talk about their expectations so that there are no misunderstandings.

When the passion burns out, if you were good friends already, you may find you can go back to being just mates and closer ones at that, however sometimes one of you will be too weirded out and you'll lose them completely as a result.

When it doesn't work

If it's two people who like and respect one another, then it can work very well. However, often one person is in love with the other one and hides their true feelings, or falls in love during the relationship. If either of you are going to sleep with other people while keeping a fuck buddy then be honest about it, otherwise there is a strong possibility of someone feeling jealous, betrayed, or having their sexual health put at risk.

Some people who go on about being a fuck buddy are just a bit selfish, or too immature to commit to a relationship. If the relationship quickly becomes one-sided, or you start to feel used, then it's time to knock it on the head, no matter how good the sex may feel.

Test of time

It is often impossible to turn this situation into a regular relationship, if that's what you eventually decide that you want, but it does work out sometimes. What usually happens, though, is that the intensity of the sex eventually burns itself out - and you both find that you've got nothing to talk about. But at least nobody will have a broken heart if you stick to the ground rules.

Mates with your ex

It's the old cliche: "I'd like us to stay friends" - but do we mean it and will it work?

Do we want to?

No: Often the 'dumper' uses this line to soften the blow, knowing full well they won't be calling round for coffee. If you are the dumper, and your ex keeps ringing, you may actually have to be honest. If you were dumped, and they aren't returning your calls, get the message. Friendship is a two-way thing and if only one of you is doing the running, it ain't worth it.

Maybe: We can use the line as security for ourselves; we still want them in our life, and what if we did mess up? It keeps the possibility of making up there. However the other partner may not like this arrangement at all, find meeting is just causing more hurt, and indeed may break off contact completely.

Yes: In some cases, often after long-term relationships, there is so much history there you couldn't ever close the doors on each other. If you enjoy each other's company, why not stay friends? If the sole reason for breaking up is that the love has gone, that doesn't mean the friendship has faded. Tell others if you are remaining amicable, and tell each other when you are going to group gatherings of mutual friends.

How much do you tell each other?

Hot dates, crushes and Saturday night snogs are likely to evoke some jealousy and when your ex meets someone else, you might find it too much and no longer feel able to see them as a mate. If you went straight from the relationship to a close friendship with them, you may feel you are losing them all over again. Talk about how you feel with your ex.

Explain that you feel jealous, and if it is too much, agree to spend some time apart while you get used to the idea. If you are OK with it, then say so too, reinforce the fact that you don't want to get back together and make sure you act like a friend not an ex when you see them both together. This way you won't be seen as a threat.

What if we fall back into bed?

You may build bridges and become mates again, but once you get close you may soon find yourselves back in lust, and maybe back in love. However if you feel your ex is only remaining in your life because they want you back, you will have to bring the topic up and stress that it's not going to happen. If you want them back too, think carefully before running back, remember why you left in the first place.

You can't move on with your life

Keeping an ex in your life makes it hard to move on and rebuild your life. You may decide to take a short break from each other so that you can get used to being apart, and start to get your life in order, before striking up a friendship. However, sometimes a clean break is needed, where you decide it is better to have the good memories, rather than get mad at each other through the difficulties of trying to be friends.

Getting over it

One minute you were planning your lives together, the next you're giving back their CDs. You've become an ex, but how do you deal with it?

Don't:

  • Jump back into bed with them: You may have been the greatest sexual partners since Antony and Cleopatra, but the heartache will last longer than the act.
  • Call and hang up: Call drunk late at night, send rash emails every other minute or indulge in any other stalker-like behaviour. Give it up.
  • Rebound: They won't live up to your ex, your emotions will be haywire and it will all get too serious too soon. You'll also feel 10 times worse if it all goes pear shaped.
  • Avoid going out in case you bump into them: You need to socialise, so get out before life passes you by.

Do:

  • Take some time to yourself: Switch off the mobile, get some videos in, chill.
  • Put some distance between you: Like the Atlantic Ocean. Pack your bags and go somewhere exotic, it's harder to be sad in the sunshine.
  • Accept it is over: You can't move on if you still allow hopes that you will get back together and live happily ever after. You will get over it. You will.
  • Lean on me: Talk to people, it helps get it all out in the open and will help you feel better.
  • Look after yourself. We're talking super pampering here, eat well, sleep well and begin to feel well, whether you eat your favourite food every night or you let your mates take you to places they'd never usually go just to cheer you up, go do it.
  • Write down all the ways your partner pissed you off: We guarantee they won't seem quite as perfect as your rose-tinted memory makes them.

Next

Get out there and do something, it may be cliched but changing your image, trying something new or just getting fit can help you focus on something other than your ex and help you to gain confidence and move on.

Then, one day, someone will mention your ex and you will realise you hadn't thought about them in a while. Result.

Accepting it's over

You've split up with your partner but all you can think about is getting back together. No matter how much you want them back, the best way to move now is on.

When you split up with someone that you still have feelings for it's tempting to let them make all the rules in order to keep them in your life. The problem is, if there's no hope of reconciliation, you're just prolonging the agony - and it will take even longer for your broken heart to mend.

Try to accept that it's over

This is so difficult, but until you accept that the relationship is over you'll probably keep reading 'secret' messages into everything connected with your ex. It's particularly hard to believe you really have been dumped if you're still seeing each other. The best way to get over a relationship is to sever all connection - even if just for a while. Of course this is very difficult if you're in the same job or at uni together - but the less contact you have the better.

41% of you who responded to our Saucy Survey said it's a mistake to go back to an ex for sex after you've split up.

No sex with your ex

After a while, you and your ex might meet up - especially if you lived together and have got to sort out possessions or legal problems. You might spend an evening sorting out these things, and then open a bottle of wine, and maybe then you'll have a kiss and cuddle for old times' sake and one thing could lead to another. Attractive though this sounds - especially if you are still in love with your ex - having sex could break your heart all over again. The chances are that your ex will get up abruptly afterwards and say something like: "This shouldn't have happened," or: "Well that was nice, but it doesn't change anything," and you'll feel as devastated as when you first split up. So make it a rule - NO SEX WITH YOUR EX.

Can we still be friends?

If your ex has said something like: "Of course we must stay friends", be wary. Do you need this person as a friend? Well, perhaps it would be good long-term, but right now you want them as a lover - and being treated simply as a friend will prolong the agony of coming to terms with the split. The truth is that it will probably help your ex's guilt about dumping you, but you're the one who needs help right now, not your previous partner. The best thing to do is to keep your distance for a few months - and after that time, decide whether or not friendship is possible or even desirable.

Mending a broken heart

Feeling broken hearted is just about the worst pain in the world. It can also seem endless - luckily it isn't.

So, you're nursing a broken heart? What you have to remember is that you can get through it. Ask around and you'll find that loads of people you know have had their hearts broken. Most of them are OK now. And one day you'll be OK too. Better than that you'll be fine. But right now, it's hard to believe that.

First love

Getting over your first love is incredibly difficult. This is because we all think our first, real, wonderful, romantic love will last forever. Funnily enough, we don't look at our friends and their early relationships and think that they will last forever. And we know statistically that most people do not fall in love at 17 or thereabouts and stay with that person for life. But knowing these things does not seem to stop us from feeling that our particular first love is golden and timeless and unlike any other. So when it ends it's shattering.

The only comfort is that this romance has shown you how much love you have to give. And people with love to give are attractive individuals that others are drawn to. One day, you'll look back at your first love and realise that it was a great dress rehearsal for subsequent relationships. But you're unlikely to feel that right now.

Treat yourself gently

You can feel so 'knocked' after your heart is broken that you feel seriously ill, or as if you've been in a car crash. So, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or a road traffic accident. Let other people care for you, too. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat lovely foods. Convalesce. And allow yourself to cry - even if you're a bloke. It's horrible at the time, but you'll feel better afterwards. All in all, take life gently - you've had a shock, and your mind and body need time to get over it.

Pep up your social life

Your friends will help you get over it. Soon, they'll be asking you to come out in a group to the cinema or the pub or whatever. At first you won't be in the mood, but soon you'll realize that there are some bonuses to being single again. In fact, you'll find that this is a good time to do stuff that you didn't do with your ex. So now you can go to the sorts of films that you like, or you can listen to your type of music, or go on your type of holiday.

Look back to look forwards

Once you're over the stage of feeling shocked and ill, try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you've worn for so long.

Write a list of the things that you don't miss about your ex. At first you'll be thinking that you loved everything about this person, but you didn't. What about those awful jokes, the rows, how you always had to make the arrangements if anything was to get done, the times when your ex put you down or made you feel stupid or how they didn't like your best mate? There are always elements to our past loves that weren't right, and this is a good time to focus on them.

Starting again

Sometimes when our hearts are broken we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible. This is natural - but unwise. Your best bet is to embrace your single life wholeheartedly for six months or so. Obviously you may end up having sex with other people - but do make sure it's safe sex. However, your emotions are not going to settle for quite a while, so have fun, but don't go looking for anything else serious until you're happy without your ex. You'll know you're getting over your heartache when you can get through a whole day without thinking about them.

Mending a broken heart

Feeling broken hearted is just about the worst pain in the world. It can also seem endless - luckily it isn't.

So, you're nursing a broken heart? What you have to remember is that you can get through it. Ask around and you'll find that loads of people you know have had their hearts broken. Most of them are OK now. And one day you'll be OK too. Better than that you'll be fine. But right now, it's hard to believe that.

First love

Getting over your first love is incredibly difficult. This is because we all think our first, real, wonderful, romantic love will last forever. Funnily enough, we don't look at our friends and their early relationships and think that they will last forever. And we know statistically that most people do not fall in love at 17 or thereabouts and stay with that person for life. But knowing these things does not seem to stop us from feeling that our particular first love is golden and timeless and unlike any other. So when it ends it's shattering.

The only comfort is that this romance has shown you how much love you have to give. And people with love to give are attractive individuals that others are drawn to. One day, you'll look back at your first love and realise that it was a great dress rehearsal for subsequent relationships. But you're unlikely to feel that right now.

Treat yourself gently

You can feel so 'knocked' after your heart is broken that you feel seriously ill, or as if you've been in a car crash. So, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or a road traffic accident. Let other people care for you, too. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat lovely foods. Convalesce. And allow yourself to cry - even if you're a bloke. It's horrible at the time, but you'll feel better afterwards. All in all, take life gently - you've had a shock, and your mind and body need time to get over it.

Pep up your social life

Your friends will help you get over it. Soon, they'll be asking you to come out in a group to the cinema or the pub or whatever. At first you won't be in the mood, but soon you'll realize that there are some bonuses to being single again. In fact, you'll find that this is a good time to do stuff that you didn't do with your ex. So now you can go to the sorts of films that you like, or you can listen to your type of music, or go on your type of holiday.

Look back to look forwards

Once you're over the stage of feeling shocked and ill, try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you've worn for so long.

Write a list of the things that you don't miss about your ex. At first you'll be thinking that you loved everything about this person, but you didn't. What about those awful jokes, the rows, how you always had to make the arrangements if anything was to get done, the times when your ex put you down or made you feel stupid or how they didn't like your best mate? There are always elements to our past loves that weren't right, and this is a good time to focus on them.

Starting again

Sometimes when our hearts are broken we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible. This is natural - but unwise. Your best bet is to embrace your single life wholeheartedly for six months or so. Obviously you may end up having sex with other people - but do make sure it's safe sex. However, your emotions are not going to settle for quite a while, so have fun, but don't go looking for anything else serious until you're happy without your ex. You'll know you're getting over your heartache when you can get through a whole day without thinking about them.

I love my best friend

Do you tell them, or do you keep it quiet? The choice is yours.

Maybe you've always secretly fancied them, or perhaps love has blossomed out of a long-term friendship? How do you find out whether they fancy you too and should you even try in the first place?

Opposite sex

Think long and hard before you make your feelings known to your friend. Be absolutely certain that you want to take the relationship to another level, make sure it isn't a passing crush. Having a quick fling is quite likely to damage the friendship - you could be better off having a fling with someone else you like and not losing your friend.

If you're sure that it's definitely a big lurve thang, is your friend single? If they're in a happy relationship already then it is probably unfair to try to split them up. If your heart is set on them, you'll just have to wait for it to come to a natural end and be there after they've picked up the pieces. Just don't start slagging their partner off or interfering in any other way, no matter how tempting it may be. Of course they might not split up, in which case you have to be realistic and move on to another love interest.

Should your friend be single then start flirting and look for signs that they may be flirting with you too, remembering that there's no such thing as a 100% definite sign, unless they start snogging you. Be wary of using the most common ploy, which is getting horrendously drunk and either grabbing them and slobbering everywhere or droning on about how you've always loved them and how you should get married and have babies together. This is quite likely to make them run away screaming, even if they fancied you a bit in the first place.

Be brave, find a quiet moment, and ask them if they want to go out with you sometime. Yes, as more-than-friends. Let them know there's no pressure and if they say 'no' then you still want to be mates. Be prepared for a knock back, but hope for the best.

Same sex

If your friend is out already, you face the same problems as straight couples if things go wrong: embarrassment and losing a good friend. Should things go your way, the rewards are the same too: a lover you know you already get on really well with. If your mate is not openly gay, and they turn you down, then be wary of a homophobic reaction. Most people are fortunately not like this, but it doesn't hurt to think ahead.

If they say no

Be nice, no matter how disappointed you feel. You may have built things up in your own head, but they just didn't see things in that way. Make an effort to keep in touch, but don't get too hung up about the great love that never was. Chalk it down to experience. Keep them as a friend, but make sure your life doesn't revolve around them. Have fun with other people and try to find someone else that you fancy.

If they say yes

Lucky you. Go for it.

Unrequited love

You want to take them home to meet your folks but they don't even know you exist. If you're caught up in Shakespearean love story, read on.

What is unrequited love?

Let's say you fall for someone big time. You don't even have to be dating. It can be a crush that turns to a fantasy, maybe an obsession. Whatever the case, if the object of your affection doesn't share your feelings it can spark a sense of loss, yearning and frustration that may prove hard to overcome

Why do things get so out of control?

Every experience is unique, but a pattern has to build for the sense of love to become so strong that it threatens to overwhelm. For example, just spending a lot of time thinking about that person, without actually seeing them, can cause your feelings to grow out of proportion.

How do I deal with it?

Only time can help get strong emotions into perspective. You can't fall out of love with someone overnight, after all, and in some ways you need to grieve for this lost love. It's easy to become withdrawn from everyday life when you're bewitched by someone who doesn't feel the same way, but it's vital that you get out and fill your time constructively.

Surround yourself with friends and lean on them to help regain control. Talking will help get things in perspective, but if that makes you feel uncomfortable (blokes, are you listening?) then just time spent having a laugh in their company can remind you that there's more fun to be had being a free agent.

Afraid to commit?

Do the words 'long relationship' have you running for the nearest plane? Get it right and commitment doesn't have to mean you're signing your life away.

When some people think of commitment they think of an all-conquering love, growing and improving with age. To people like me it conjures images of standing in the rain, weighed down by shopping bags, a bad perm and the five clinically obese thugs I will doubtlessly spawn for children. My every day spent in drudgery.

Traditionally it was the male of the species who clung onto bachelorhood, but not anymore. The days when a girl thought swapping herself for a box of oranges and a donkey-plough was a shrewd business move and a ticket to freedom have passed. Now we have as many lifestyle choices as we have the imagination for. But still there's a hankering for a life set to the theme of Hovis ads with all the family wearing identical side partings to signify their harmonic oneness.

Fashion statement

The wedding ceremony had its heyday in 1970. Spurred by the post-war baby boom there were 390,000 marriages in England and Wales in that year alone. By the end of 2001 the number of 18-49 year old married women had dropped from around 75% in 1979 to around 50%.

But the opinion continues to reverberate - if you're not in a pair then something is wrong. Obsessive magazines will advise you how to tell if your partner is psycho by looking at their socks and that's just the lad mags. Peruse the women's glossies and it takes an even more sinister turn: How To Make Him Commit; Get Him Down The Aisle; Make Him Love You Forever - YES FOREVER!

As more of my mates announce they are buying/ moving/ getting engaged, I can't help but congratulate them through gritted teeth. "Aren't you worried about such a commitment?" I ask tentatively and they scream back "But we love each other!" as if they were the first people ever to do so.

What if it all goes wrong?

Consider that one in three marriages ends in divorce. And then think those break up statistics only cover those who bother getting hitched. Surely we should tread into partnership with trepidation? But I suppose we all think our relationship is different. I just hope if it all ends in counselling sessions they don't come crawling back to me, moaning endlessly about what went wrong, with their mental health as limp as an over-cooked noodle.

Of course, you never have to pick up another person's socks unless you want to. But what if one of you dreams of wedding photos on the mantelpiece and co-ordinating toothbrushes in the bathroom, while the other breaks out in hives whenever the C word is mentioned?

Christine Northam of Relate explains: "If a person has grown up in a happy environment that was part of a successful committed relationship, most will want to repeat the experience for themselves. Alternatively, there are all sorts of reasons why a person might be apprehensive about the same thing.

"At Relate, if a person is afraid of commitment we tend to look towards the childhood experiences of that person. Perhaps they experienced divorce or the loss of one parent and fear going through that again?The problem occurs when a couple find they can't talk through the issues by themselves, then they can contact a counsellor for help."

Single and happy

Who says single has to mean sad? If you're sick of the associations, start holding your head up high - right now it's great to be single.

Until relatively recently being single held a certain amount of stigma, and in some quarters it still does. Women who did not marry were dubbed spinsters, and were described as 'left-on-the-shelf' if they hadn't entered wedlock by their early twenties, implying that they were unwanted. You never hear of eligible spinsters, do you? Men fared slightly better as bachelors. This sounded like much more fun, and implied a carefree lifestyle, but even they were looked at as strange if they hadn't settled down by their mid-thirties.

Successfully single

Today it's becoming more and more common for both sexes to wait longer before settling down, caused partly by wanting to play the field or perhaps concentrating on a career over a relationship. This is more likely to be down to a conscious decision to be single, rather than an inability to find a partner. Your Gran may be pestering you about when you're going to settle down, but if you're happy with your life then don't go changing.

Even if you are single because you've split up with your last partner, it doesn't mean that life has to be an ordeal. It hasn't suddenly transformed you into half a person, lacking something essential. Instead think of it as the key to a wealth of new opportunities.

Making the most of singledom:

  • It's different for everyone. Try making a long list of all the things that make you happy, and make sure that you do at least some of them regularly.
  • Stay in touch with your mates, keep all your lines of communication open, and get out and about.
  • Don't rush into looking for someone new, most people can smell desperation a mile off, and it isn't attractive.