Sex: caught at it

Oh no, they've seen you now. And you have to hide the blushes on all four of your cheeks.

You wanted privacy

There is nothing worse than going away somewhere private for a bit of a romp with your beloved, then having someone walk in on you while you're in the middle of the act. Whether it's a nosy drunken flatmate, a hotel chambermaid, or the window cleaner, they were definitely not invited to the private show. Check that your partner is not too upset afterwards, remember they may be even more embarrassed than you.

Firstly, a little prevention is worth 10 clean-up operations. Make sure the door is properly locked, draw those curtains, or be damned sure the 'do not disturb' sign is clearly displayed. Secondly, if they already know that they should knock before opening the door, feel free to tell them to get out in no uncertain terms. If it was an honest mistake, cover your modesty as best you can and ask them politely to come back later, on account of how you're erm, a bit busy.

You may need to set ground rules with housemates or landladies about walking into rooms unannounced. If you're living with your parents but are old enough to move out or be paying them rent then the same thing applies, just approach the subject with some delicacy, and make sure you are being treated as an adult, not a naughty child. Failing that, fit a big old lock on the door.

You were up to no good

If you have crossed some moral boundaries, be prepared for the consequences. Breaking taboos can often be exciting and thrilling, but people can get hurt both physically and emotionally. If you have been sleeping with someone much older or younger than yourself, someone who is in a relationship with another person, or a relative or best friend of your current partner, watch out.

In addition to being embarrassed by getting caught with your pants down, you run the risk of a confrontation with an angry parent, husband, or girlfriend. It could get violent. You could get arrested, be responsible for a family splitting up, or get named in divorce proceedings.

You were in public

Oh that old fantasy, sex in a public or semi-public place. In the library, on the beach, in a cornfield, down a leafy lane, or the back of a taxi on the way home, or wherever else you fancy. The thrill of almost getting caught adds a naughty tingle of excitement to proceedings, but being completely laid bare (sorry) in public is not what most people are after, unless they are hardcore exhibitionists with good legal aid.

You can be charged with a number of offences from indecent exposure to outraging public decency, being drunk and disorderly, or obstructing a public right of way. If you do get arrested, at least try to look sheepish and be very polite to the police officer, they can throw the book at you if they so wish. Cross your fingers and hope they will put it down to youthful stupidity. Then go home and laugh.

You may find yourself with an unexpected audience, or even get a round of applause as you return from the back of the restaurant grinning and readjusting your clothing. In which case laugh it off, take a bow, and make a sharp exit. Or look at your partner longingly and announce to the room: "well you would, wouldn't you? I'm only human..."