Answer :
Sensate Focus is a sex therapy technique for couples, which involves giving each other pleasure through a series of exercises intended to rejuvenate your sex life. In most of these exercises people are asked to give or receive pleasure without having intercourse. At first, you will be taking turns giving or receiving touch, in order to pay attention to your own senses. Sensate Focus techniques were originally developed by famed sex researchers Masters and Johnson. The techniques can improve your sex life by increasing your satisfaction when you do have intercourse.
Here is more information about what it is, why it works, and HOW TO DO IT...
WHO IS SENSATE FOCUS FOR?
If want to have sex more frequently, feel more intimate with each other, and have more pleasure from sex, then Sensate Focus is for you. Both partners need to agree to try it together. It works best if you have some past experience together of having enjoyed your sex life together at some time (like maybe when you first started having sex). But if you haven't it is still worth trying.
WHY SENSATE FOCUS WORKS:
1) You are thinking and talking about sex with your partner. If you are working on improving your sex life as if it is a project in your life, then you're on the same side of an issue, instead of arguing (or feeling alienated) by it.
2) Touching stimulates desire. It reminds you why you fell in love, and why you felt desire for each other to begin with.
3) You will be having uninterrupted "protected" time to enjoy each other and to enjoy sexual pleasure.
4) It motivates you to have sex. You will remember how much you enjoy sex, and that the "work" aspect of it is worth it.
5) It desensitizes you to get over your fears about having sex with your partner, which could have been based in a fear of being good enough in bed, or maybe a fear of pleasing someone else.
6) It takes pressure off of you about sex how much sex you should be having. The explicit instructions about what to do sexually allow you to feel sexy and sexual without either of you request it of the other. It is an assignment that you both agreed to do at the start. You no longer need to have a fear of failing at sex, or any other concerns about what to do, or if you are good at it. Touching can help you both feel more comfortable with your bodies, with each other, and with sex. You have permission to feel pleasure.
7) It helps you start to be nicer to each other by giving pleasure to each other. That can make you both feel more like having sex with each other.
HOW TO DO IT:
SENSATE FOCUS STEP-BY-STEP
You should both be completely naked for these activities. Also, set a sensual mood (candles, dim lighting...). Do not have the TV on, turn the phone ringer off, turn your clocks around, and, of course, if you have children lock your door (or send them to a babysitter, relatives or friend's house).
Activity 1 : Take turns giving each other pleasure through touching without talking, but make breasts and genitals off limits -- and do not have sex or an orgasm (neither of you). With your partner flat on the bed, for 30 minutes, touch your partner as if you are giving a massage. Do not talk during this time. Unlike a regular massage, however, don't try to touch your partner only to make him or her feel good. Just do what interests you and what feels good to your hands when you are touching your partner. Focus on what you want to do. Pay attention to how your partner's body feels including the body's curves and skin. Think about the temperature, texture, softness, ruffness, and so on. When 30 minutes are up, then your partner should give the touching 'massage' to you for 30 minutes. You should be aware of the sensations you feel. And remember: Don't talk during the touching. This will help you really focus on how it feels. Finally: no matter how turned on you get at this point, do not have sexual intercourse or orgasm. The objective is to think about what touch feels like, and to give and receive pleasure for a full hour total, without the "goal" of orgasm for either of you..
Activity 2: Include touching each other's breasts and genitals and you each instruct each other about how to touch. A night or two after Activity 1, now make advances in that activity. First talk about what felt good in Activity 1, and how and where you like to be touched. Now, have your partner get flat on the bed, adn your partner non-verbally tells you what to do while you touch. You must start with touching his or her body, excluding the genitals at first. Stay focused on the physical sensations. Do not try to make your partner have a sexual response. Orgasm is not allowed at this point, and still not intercourse! To get more direction about what how your partner enjoys being touched, your partner should put his or her hand on top of yours while touching, in order to direction the location, pressure and speed of touch. Do not talk, just use this non-verbal communication to work together, share control, and become more in tune with each other. The switch roles. You should each receive 30 minutes of touching.
Activity 3: Now start mutual touching instead of taking turns. (This will begin to make your sexual touching feel more natural, since most people don't take turns touching during sexual contact.) Mutually touch each other anywhere for 30 minutes total. Try to do what you have learned that your partner likes. This will help you both pay attention to each other's body, rather than thinking about your own pleasure. No matter how aroused you may become, intercourse is still off limits at this point.
Activity 4: Continue mutual touching and then try rubbing in a sexual way. For 30 minutes, mutually touch, and try the woman on top position, but do not put the penis in the vagina. Instead, the women should rub the penis and his pubic area against her clitoris and vaginal opening regardless of if there is an erection or not. They can use a lubricant if that makes it more pleasurable. She should try to orgasm this way. Still no intercourse.
Activity 5: Begin sexual contact. Get in the positions you had enjoyed during the past couple of activities. Then put the penis into the vagina, and rather than just move and thrust the way you had done during sex in the past, instead, focus on the physical sensation of the feeling of the penis in the vagina. Move only slowly to feel it for a few minutes. Then thrust and move anyway you want, still while paying attention to the physical sensation. Then if either partner is starting to focus on what to do to have an orgasm, stop and look into each other's eyes, staying connected, but slowing down your intercourse. After a total of 30 minutes of this slow connected intercourse (which may include stopping and starting and even loss and regaining of erection) then you may both orgasm. Repeat Activity 5 two to three days later, and move on to Activity 6 two to three days after that.
Activity 6: Have intercourse, any way you want - any time. If you want to commit to saying that you will try to do it twice a week, then give that a try. You sex life should feel as if it as improved at this point.
If Sensate Focus does not work for you, then you may want to see a sex therapist in your area. I do not see patients, but I can explain how you can find a sex therapist in your area.
How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?
Answer :
FINDING A QUALIFIED SEX THERAPIST
Choosing the best therapist for you is about choosing someone you feel comfortable talking with, and who can help you. There are some things that you should always look for. You should choose a sex therapist who:
* is trained specifically in sex therapy (not just marital therapy, family therapy or general therapy)
* is certified in sex therapy by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
* has a Ph.D. in sex therapy or a closely related field from a nationally accredited university, or has an MD (I will explain this more later)
* has an established practice, and has been seeing sex therapy clients for years
* does NOT go on television or radio on a regular basis, and does not primarily write books. Even if a sex therapist on the Today show, or a sex therapist on Oprah seems appealing, please realize that that person is not someone who should be your sex therapist. This is not a dedicated full time sex therapist. You should go to an actual full time therapist only
* is open to talking with you on the phone the first time you call, and will describe to you what to expect during your first session
Each session usually is between 45 minutes and 1 hour long. Most often, people see a sex therapist once a week, yet you may require more frequent or less frequent visits, depending on your situation. Sex therapy may last for weeks, or months, or years; this also depends on the situations presented. Fees for sex therapy are usually around $150 per hour, yet may be as low as $50 per hour, or as high as $350 per hour. It depends on the therapist and the location. Your health insurance may or may not cover sex therapy, depending on your policy. If your insurance does not cover, some sex therapists may reduced their rates for people who do not have the means to pay, so always ask if their rates are "negotiable" or "on a sliding scale."
Most importantly, find a sex therapist you are comfortable talking with. You will be discussing intimate details of your life, so you should feel as if you trust the sex therapist, and can open up to him or her.
HOW TO FIND A SEX THERAPIST
For referrals to sex therapists in your area, go to the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists. This is the organization that certifies sex therapists. The site is: www.AASECT.org. From the main page, click on "For the Public". Then click on "Locate a Professional". Then click on your state on the map or list show. Then when you see the list of names of people on the left and their occupation on the right-- make sure that you choose a sex THERAPIST (not a sex counselor, not a sex educator).
Also, only choose someone who has an MD (a medical doctor or psychiatrist who is a sex therapist) or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university (someone who is a psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, or therapist). In my opinion, you should not choose someone whose Ph.D. is from a locally accredited, or non-accredited institution, such as the "Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality" or "Maimonides American Academy of Clinical Sexologists" or "Newport University". These are NOT nationally accredited Ph.D. programs. Those are private nontraditional programs that may be accredited locally or on a state level, but not nationally. You should only choose a therapist who has an MD or Ph.D. from a nationally accredited university. (There are hundreds of nationally accredited universities, but just to give you examples of what I mean by "nationally accredited university" some examples include: New York University, University of California at San Diego, Harvard University, University of Minnesota, Indiana University, Teachers College, Columbia University... you get the idea.)
Can having a few drinks hurt a man’s sexual performance?
Answer :
One drink can lower inhibitions, and get a couple to relax and enjoy sex. But if someone has 3 or 4 or more drinks (more than 4 ounces of alcohol) then it will hurt sexual performance. A man may lose his erection and a woman may find it very difficult to orgasm. In addition, alcohol often causes people to incorrectly use condoms and birth control, creating an increased potential for unintended pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted disease. It also contributes to bad decision making, so that you might have sex with someone you wouldn’t want to otherwise.
I have little to no sex drive, which makes dating difficult because I know I am bound to disappoint. What can I do?
Answer :
There’s plenty you can do, both on your own and with a new partner. For starters, consider seeing a doctor to have your general health examined and your hormone levels checked. Many illnesses can affect sex drive. Also, hormone levels can have a huge impact on libido, and treatments can help in some cases. If you’re found to be in tip-top form physically, you may want to see a sex therapist, who can discuss with you whether your past sexual relationships or attitudes toward sex are dampening your drive. (You can find a sex therapist in your area by searching the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists at www.aasect.org.) Finally, consider discussing this issue with the next person you’re dating and feel seriously about—that may be scary, but this gives you the opportunity to explain that the issue is with you, not whether you’re attracted to your date. Plus, it shows you care enough about this person to be upfront and are want to work on it—and that’s something any date will appreciate.
I don't think that my husband and I have sex as much as other people. How much do they do it, and how much should we?
Answer :
Americans have sex an average of 113 times per year—that’s a little over 2 times per week. Still, that doesn’t mean having sex more or less often is a problem. The more important question you should be asking yourself is this: Are you and your partner both satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having? If you answer this question yes, then you have nothing to worry about! Whether you’re doing it once a day or once a year, if it makes you both happy it's fine.
If, however, there’s a marked imbalance between the amount of sex you and your partner want to have, then it can help to have a discussion about what can be done to make sure both parties are happy. Maybe, for example, your partner’s so pooped by the time he or she goes to bed at night that you’re better off trying to initiate some fun in the morning.
Regardless of how you compare to others, if you feel low sex drive is your (or your partner's) issue, then for more information, you should consult a medical doctor or sex therapist. Low libido is often caused by medication, stress, or some other factors, which can be resolved by a visit to a doctor.
I am a 42 year old virgin. I ache for the touch of a female, and want to know what it feels like to make love. But I get scared and shake when I talk to a woman. Though, I'm glad I won't catch something or die from a sexual sickness. It is terrible to go through life without the touch of a hand or kiss or love. Can you help me?
Answer :
It is rare that someone is still a virgin at age 42. In fact, only about 2% of Americans are still virgins at that age. (Most Americans lose their virginity in their mid-teens, late-teens, or early twenties. About 95% of Americans have lost their virginity prior to marriage, by age 25 or 26, according to research, including studies by the National Center for Health Statistics, as well as Finer, 2007).
As you described, usually when someone has remained a virgin that long, it shows that he or she has many irrational and rational fears of sex, such as the fear of disease that you mentioned, as well as severe social and emotional issues. Unlike in the very unrealistic movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" in which the man moved quickly into dating, affection, and kissing a woman -- in real life, most men this age with this issue would most likely feel excruciatingly uncomfortable even talking to a woman, as you described. The good news is that this is something that you will be able to work through in therapy. I recommend that you start therapy right away so that you stop missing out on affection and physical love in your life.
Work with a sex therapist who specializes in these issues. To find a sex therapist in your area, search on the web site for the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists [aasect.org]. Make sure that you find someone with a Ph.D. from a well known, accredited university, and who has worked in the field for a long time. [Read my answer about what else to look for in a sex therapist in my response to the question "How can someone find and choose a sex therapist?" under the category of “Sexual Problems."]
You will learn that you do not need to fear diseases if you are sexually active, because you can be effective at responsibly practicing safer sex (using condoms), and you will also learn what else is at the root of your other issues connected with sex. You’ll find out how to take the steps to deal with your social and emotional issues, and then how to gradually talk to, touch, kiss, then some day make love to a woman. It will take dedication on your part to work through your fears and insecurities, and it will take time to meet a girlfriend who can be patient with your evolving sexuality. But it will be worth it to add this important part of the human experience to your life.
I ejaculate too quickly, within about a minute or two, or sometimes only 30 seconds. How can I last longer?
Answer :
PREMATURE EJACULATION is the most common sexual problem of men -- about 30% of men suffer from it at some time. But there are several tried-and-true clinically tested ways that you can delay ejaculation until you want to.
Overall, you need to learn how to be more in tune with your body and your excitement, and you need to learn to recognize when you’re about to ejaculate. Then you need to learn how to control or delay the process. The following techniques should be useful to help treat premature ejaculation.
STOP AND START TECHNIQUE – WITH COUNTING
You can try to treat your premature ejaculation with the counting and stop-start technique. It will allow you to learn how to pinpoint your level of sexual excitement, and keep it at a level that will give you pleasure without bringing you to the point of no return. To control ejaculation, a man must be able to recognize the feeling before the point of no return, and relax just enough that he does not reach the point of no return until he is ready.
Your sexual excitement increases as you get closer to orgasm. In order to understand how to control the level of excitement, first you have to label each level. Think of your sexual excitement as being on a scale from 0 to 10. Zero means that you don’t feel any arousal. Ten would be what you feel during orgasm. Try to get your body and mind to stay at an even level of excitement during sex (around level 7 or 8) without getting to the “point of no return,” which would be around level 9.
You can practice this technique while you’re masturbating:
-- Each time you notice that your sexual excitement has increased, label each stage with a number from 0 to 10. Try to figure out where 7 and 8 are for you.
-- When you feel like you’re getting near level 8 of arousal, slow down or stop for a few seconds, to try to bring it down a notch, remaining at or just below 7 so you don’t lose control and don't reach level 9, which would put you on the brink of orgasm. Keep yourself at your 7 to 8 level as long as possible, and stop or slow down to do this.
-- The best way to do this is to stop masturbating when you reach about level 8. Take a break for 30 seconds or a minute or so. Then start again when your excitement gets down to about 5 or 6. You should practice this at least several times each week, so that you eventually can masturbate for about 30 minutes without ejaculating until you’re ready. Once you’ve mastered these counting and stop-start skills, you can try the same sort of thing during intercourse.
When you’re having intercourse, stop thrusting and ask your partner to stop moving for a minute until your excitement mellows out a bit. You can also remove your penis from the vagina and change sexual positions to give yourself a little time to slow things down. Having an understanding partner with whom you can talk about this activity is helpful.
THE SQUEEZE TECHNIQUE
A more advanced technique is the squeeze technique. To do this, you still need to become familiar with the feelings that you get when you’re close to orgasm. Then, when you’re having intercourse and you feel very close to the point of no return, you should stop thrusting and tell your partner not to move so that your ejaculatory response is not triggered. Next, you or your partner should squeeze your penis using a thumb and one or two forefingers in one of two places: either at the very base, or at the ridge under the head of the penis. (If you need more instruction, you can see an illustration of exactly where to squeeze in my book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex.) Putting pressure in either of these places will cause your excitement to decrease, and the feeling of getting close to ejaculation will be reduced.
I'm in a great marriage, however my wife has never performed oral sex on me, and refuses when I ask. Do you have any ideas on how to change her mind?
Answer :
Talk with her at a time when she's in a good mood, and you have time and privacy to talk. Start by telling her that you love her and you love making love with her, but that you are curious why she won't perform oral sex on you. If she won't give any reasons then you will have a tough time understanding why she doesn't want to do it. I hope she will tell you openly if she has fears about it, or negative experiences associated with it. Knowing this sort of information can help the two of you get closer, and it may help you understand if she will at some point be ready to have oral sex on you, or if she will never do it because of a trauma associated with it.
If she's just afraid that she won't know what to do, or if she's afraid that she won't like it, then you can reassure her that at first all you'd like is some penile kissing and licking (not deep throating! and no ejaculating!). Also, ask her if you can have an "oral love night" in which she should not put her mouth on your penis and you should not put yours on her vulva, but rather you both use your lips and tongues on other parts of each other's bodies. So that night, first shower together and brush your teeth. Then once you've dried off, kiss each other's necks, suck on each other's toes, nipples, fingers, and lick your way around each other's stomachs and backs. Slowly kiss your way from her neck down her entire body to her toes. The idea is just for you both to be more oral together. Then next time that you have sex, try to integrate more oral activities into love making, again, not necessarily involving genitals, but just more licking, kissing, sucking. Over time that can evolve into oral sex on your penis and her vulva.
Another tip: try 69 to get her use to the idea of oral sex -- with you both on your sides, so she doesn't get smothered. If she's wiling to try these things, do not ejaculate if she goes down on you. That should only happen later after she's become more used to giving oral sex. She should not be put in a position in which she feels like she's "servicing" you, but rather, ask her to think of it as just an alternative way to feel good. If she likes receiving oral sex that will help.
Reassure her that sex techniques do not come naturally, and if she's willing to try experimenting with oral techniques, that it could be fun. Never push her head down there, always be clear about what feels good, and talk clearly about the issue of if you'll ejaculate and when and where. Also, if you can together look at a book that discusses oral sex technique that could help her. My book (The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex) has step-by-step techniques on how she can do it -- but if you don't want to buy my book, then browse for other sex books that are only about oral sex.
Overall, present these ideas to her as if this is a project that you want to work on together as a fun way to spice things up - not something that she "should" do or that is "lacking".
I'm a guy who can get off just fine on my own and during oral sex, but for some reason I am unable to climax during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me, and how can I change?
Answer :
Perhaps your penis prefers the feeling of your hand or her mouth. Or it could be that you feel inhibited by the risks of pregnancy or diseases, or by the emotional intimacy of ejaculating during intercourse. If your psychological issues seem deeply rooted, then a therapist can help.
To try to get over this on your own, find a partner who you trust and love, use condoms to reduce your risks, and try to get the stimulation you need. Experiment to find positions in which her vagina may feel tighter, such as from behind or maybe sitting. When you know those positions, use your hand get very close to orgasm, until the last minute when you enter her vagina to climax. Or alternate between your hand and intercourse off and on until you are about to climax and then force yourself to finish with intercourse. If she’s willing to play these ways, then you may be able to have orgasms during intercourse after all. Be sure to tell her: “it’s not you it’s me.”
Finally, remember that everyone enjoys sex differently. If you and she are happy with the way things are, then you should not pressure yourself to change. Perhaps you will change in your own time, or maybe you'll be happy just the way you are.
My new girlfriend and I have sex every night, but I know that won't last. What should I do if I am not in the mood? What about when she is not in the mood?
Answer :
How you deal with the first night that one of you doesn't want to get it on speaks volumes about your sexual potential together. If you complain or freak out, because she is not in the mood, then she may think that you care more about your sexual needs than about her feelings. She will think that sex is more important to you than love or affection. Therefore, if she is not in the mood, be loving to her by asking if you can still hold her. Or if you really want to have an orgasm, ask her if you can hold her while you masturbate. If you are the one who is not in the mood, the best way to act to save the night is to remain loving and affectionate. Or you can ask her if she wants to masturbate in your arms. If you are too tired to have sex, then the best way to tell her is to say, “Tomorrow night, I will seduce you, and I will plan something very special!” This serves two purposes: first, it lets her know that you are not rejecting her, and second, it gives her something to fantasize about and look forward to. Just be sure to follow through on your promise: Tomorrow, be prepared to strip for her and make love like you never have before.
If I have to have a testicle removed, how will it affect my sex drive? Will I ejaculate half as much, or does the remaining ball work overtime to compensate?
Answer :
Having a testicle removed (such as for treatment of testicular cancer) should not affect your sexuality. Your lone testicle should make enough sperm to maintain fertility, and enough testosterone to keep your sex drive normal. However, if you have your testicle removed and then sense that your sex drive has taken a dive, get your testosterone tested by your doctor just to be sure.
Also, if only the testicle is removed and no other glands or nerves are damaged, then your quantity of ejaculate should seem about the same. This is because only 5 percent of semen comes from the testicles. Sixty to 75% is from the seminal vesicles; 20% is from the prostate gland, and about 5% is from other glands. If you feel self conscious about your loss of a ball, talk with your doctor about getting a surgical implant. Research in the Journal of Urology found that receiving a testicular implant greatly increases self-esteem. While some guys love being a one-balled wonder, others would rather have a pair, even if one is useless and made of silicone.
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